Bare Naked Truth

A little Christmas conviction...

2011-12-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

My favorite Christmas hymn of all time is "O Holy Night". There is one verse in particular that stirs my heart. It says:

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we

Let all within us praise His holy name

Normally this verse just resonates with the passion of my heart for justice, people to be free literally from the people who have enslaved them (such as with sex trafficking) and on a figurative level as in the ways we are all in chains to something due to our fallen, broken human nature (whether it's drugs, overeating, or allowing ourselves to be distracted from the unmet longings of our hearts from hours of tv). Over the past month this song has brought a great deal of conviction to my heart. The past 3 years has been a time of God changing my heart toward Christmas. It has become a time of year where I think more about the people who don't have (be it family/social support or the basics to sustain life) and find myself desiring to turn away from the consumeristic approach of this season to one focused on giving where there is need. This year has been sadly different. I've found myself more focused on what I can ask for to fulfill a very superficial wish list. I can feel in my heart that I've been focusing more on asking for the things I don't need instead of on finding ways to give where there is true need. This verse from "O Holy Night" has been part of that process of conviction. The other day I began thinking of those words "Truly He taught us to love one another" and "Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother; and in His name all oppression shall cease". I felt a twinge in my heart. This is what Christmas is meant to be about. I'm to use this time of year to love extravagantly and to seek out ways to break chains of my brother and sister who is enslaved and to be part of the process of ceasing oppression in His name. How sad it is that Christmas has strayed so very far from this focus...I feel that sadness for my own distracted heart this year.

There are so many different places we can give this year to help change our focus from materialism to be part of loving one another, breaking the chains of our brother and sister, and ending oppression. I thought I would end this blog by giving you some options if your heart is feeling any of the same conviction that mine is. They're just a few organizations that have touched my heart in different ways and for different reasons. There are many options locally and globally. These 3 are just special to me:

Loving South Africa--dedicated to ending the AIDS pandemic in KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa. http://laminc.org
ServLife--focused on orphanages and ending poverty in India, Nepal and other countries in Asia. http://www.servlife.org
Center for Global Impact--an organization dedicated to addressing poverty, disease and injustice in Cambodia, Guatemala and Kosova. http://www.centerforglobalimpact.org
Purchased--educating people about the issues of sex trafficking, human exploitation and abuse. http://www.purchasedevents.org

Glory and Depravity

2011-09-27T15:58:00.000-07:00

Did you know for the past 12 years the weather on this day (Sept. 27th) has been exactly the same? I did. I know because the weather 12 years ago today will forever be imprinted on my mind. It is a memory of perfect blue skies, clear sunshine and pleasant fall temperatures that accompanied the most torturous 45 minute drive I had ever made from campus to my childhood home. It was not more than an hour before that drive that I was being pulled out of my physics class at IU by a campus policeman only to be led to a phone where my dad waited on the other end with news that my mom had died. It's still amazing to me how that morning is full of the dichotomy of glory and depravity that characterizes this life on earth. How could it be that just that morning I felt the glory of God as His peace filled me in my prayer of surrender to His will for my mom; that whether He chose to heal her body by restoring it to health or freeing her from it to be in His presence I would accept it? How could I make the very same drive back home gasping for breath, straining through tears as I felt the full weight of depravity in cancer taking my mom victim at a young age? How could God's glory be shown so clearly in the beauty of the weather that day while the depravity of death touched me to the core of my being with an ache I had never experienced before? Even today as I walked in the same perfect blue skies, clear sunshine and pleasant fall temperatures I was in the midst of that dichotomy of glory and depravity, as I processed the glory of His redeeming work in my story combined with the depravity of the broken parts of it that still remain. I almost feel that the way God recreates the same perfect weather every year on this very day is what the rainbow was to Noah. It is my promise from God that in the end His glory will always outweigh the depravity.

There will come a day...

2011-07-10T08:54:00.000-07:00

As I made my 3 1/2 hour drive from Missouri to Indiana yesterday I came across 2 songs that talked about the physical healing that would one day be a reality for all believers once we're in the Father's presence. It struck me that the focus in these songs, as well as many others, is usually on the healing of the physical. What about the emotional? What about the healing of our identities to be what God intended for us to be when He spoke us into being? These thoughts came as a result of some tough counseling sessions. My counselor and I have been digging into some deeply rooted things that influence who I am and how I relate to others. I found myself despairing, wondering if I was ever going to be free of these things and be able to interact with others on a healthier level. Listening to these songs of healing in the Father's presence made me long for the day when I would be completely free of worry of the opinions of others, able to love with no strings attached, capable of receiving from those who love me without questioning their motives and able to simply be who God created me to be without being afraid of it. I thought of how this is how it must have been for Adam before the fall. Then God brought to mind Psalm 139 and those words "fearfully and wonderfully made" that have echoed in my spirit for several years now. I believe before Adam and Eve made the choice to take things into their own hands that they were able to be who God had created them to be freely, without fear or insecurity and with boldness. I believe they were able to be in the Father's presence and praise God Creator for exactly how and who He had created them to be. Such beautiful and encouraging thoughts for me as I seek to heal from and let go of the things that have detracted from God's original intent for me and embrace who I'm meant to be.

Healing Relationships

2011-06-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

The Lord God said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
Genesis 2:18

When God spoke these words at the beginning of time the result was a wife for Adam. Many of us who are still single at an older age than anticipated cling to that sentence "It is not good for man to be alone". It's a sentence of hope and a potential foretelling that we may still get what we long for. Yet that's not the reason this verse came to mind this morning. The depth of truth that comes with the reality that it's not good for us to be alone has hit me on a different level. One of the big things I've been working through in my counseling sessions lately has been in regard to my fears and insecurities in relationship. The fear can be so great sometimes that I will choose to not speak up even when I'm feeling hurt by someone close to me. Speaking up may offend that friend and drive them away, revealing that the friendship wasn't as solid as I had initially thought. Unfortunately the same mentality occurs when I find close friends disagreeing with me (for whatever reason). I automatically begin to fear that because they're rejecting my opinion about something they must also be rejecting who I am as a person as well. This approach can take a lot of joy out of being in relationship with people. When all you do is spend time assessing what someone is thinking about you throughout your entire interaction you tend to miss out on the beauty of that person or the intimacy of the relationship you have with them. So, in discussing this in a counseling session my counselor inquired if I had ever just come out and asked a friend if they were offended by something I had said or how they interpreted it or me. The very idea scared me to death. After all, what if my worst fears were confirmed? What if they had taken my words negatively? What if they really didn't like a certain part of who I was? By the end of the session my counselor and I had decided I probably wasn't ready to take such a step of vulnerability in my close relationships. God had something else in mind. I was sitting at a winery with 2 women who have taken a very special place in my heart in my journey through counseling school. I truly feel as though God has knit this friendship together for this season (and hopefully many more to come) of life. As we sat and talked one of them asked a question (I can't remember what it was) that was somewhat related to my fears that I had been discussing in counseling. Before I knew it, I was spilling my guts and telling them about my fears and anxieties in relationship, including the fears I had about being rejected by them. Wonder of wonders, these lovely ladies did not reject me, put me down, or tell me all the things they thought were crazy about me. No. Instead they reaffirmed who I was and reminded me of how deeply they care about who I am. The next counseling session I relayed to my counselor with awe the interaction. My heart felt lighter and freer that I was able to express these fears and find that they were, in fact, unfounded. The Holy Spirit used this relationship to bring a bit of healing to my soul. I wonder how many there are in this world lacking in this kind of relationship. How many of the rejected, downtrodden, depressed, anxious, drug addicted, oppressed, promiscuous, lonely, sexually abused and insecure people in this world are in desperate need of such healing relationships? I believe that seeking out these people and loving them into places of healing is exactly what Jesus was setting the stage for His followers to do.

Sanctification

2011-04-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

Make no mistake, counseling school is not for the faint of heart. I knew that coming to seminary and entering training for counseling would have a component of self-revelation. I think I may have underestimated just how much self-revelation there would be. I mean, what did I think I was going to get away with if I was going to be required to go to counseling as a requirement for graduation? I'm in a season of "reality check". Lately God has been speaking to me on so much of my stuff that I've had moments where I just wanted to say, "Forget it! I'm fine the way I am." It's been pretty intense. Why am I so surprised by this? God has always accepted me for the broken person I am and this doesn't change that His love for me is unconditional, but He also loves me too much to let me get away with continuing on blindly in my brokenness. I'm grateful for this, but it's still a little wretched.

Get me outta here!

2011-02-13T05:44:00.000-08:00

I'm reading through the New Testament for one of my classes this semester and started Mark this morning. It's only chapter one and twice there have been references to Jesus going to "lonely" or "solitary" places. I like to think Jesus was a bit of an introvert:) But that's probably only because I am and that makes my introvertedness seem holy:) Seriously, I did have a new epiphany as I read this today. I was thinking about the reality that Jesus had not too long ago come from heaven where He was in the Father's very presence. Meaning the closeness and intimacy we long to have with God was full and complete reality for Him. I can't even imagine! Now He's on earth. He has a job to do. Half the time the disciples are asking Him crazy questions every other parable ("I don't get it!", they're constantly saying) and the other half of the time critics are asking Him crazy questions to trap Him. People are constantly tugging on His sleeve (literally) for a healing, He can't cast out a demon without having to chastise it to not reveal His identity too soon, and then there's that whole deal about people trying to kill Him before it's actually time. This is what He has in exchange for being in the actual presence of the almighty God who is Love. I began to think about my struggle to be quiet before the Lord. I don't have anywhere near the distraction of people trying to kill me or masses of people constantly up in my business for a physical healing or a good lesson. As a matter of fact, being in seminary has actually created more time for me to be in the Lord's presence than when I was working full time. Yet I still struggle to get myself there. At the same time, I think about the amazing reality that Jesus walked this earth knowing exactly how it felt to be in the physical presence of the Father. I think this is another reason why it was so easy for Him to want to seek out time with His Father. He knew what it was like to have perfect intimacy with Him. That thought alone stirs me to want more of that intimacy as well. I don't feel I've adequately put into words how this notion has stirred me this morning. I wish I had a more complete understanding/experience of the potential of having this kind of intimacy with God. I have no question it would revolutionize my life.

(In case you're wondering about the blog title, I imagined that every time Jesus had just spent time ministering to a large crowd that in His head He was thinking "Get me outta here!" and then rushing away to solitude with God at the first possible moment. Again, it's what my introvert mind would be thinking so I like to think maybe Jesus got that too :) )

Confessions of a Target-aholic

2011-01-23T16:35:00.001-08:00

Have you ever seen the movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic"? Quite funny. I had a mental image today of a scene in the movie where the main character is going to a sale. This is after she's found out she's in thousands of dollars of debt from her shopping addiction. She's recently lost her job and found a new job and is vowing to get on track with her spending...and then the sale comes along. In the scene she's in the midst of hundreds of women going nuts over all the name brands and prices. The main character is attempting to use some restraint. She sees the amazing gloves she must have and quickly justifies that because she has hands she must buy them. "I'll buy these and only these!", she declares. When it's all said and done you see her in her bedroom amidst multiple sacks filled with multiple purchases that she never intended to buy. And now you know what it looks like for me to shop at Target. I went to Target this evening to buy a needed pair of snow boots, deodorant and soap. I left Target with snow boots, deodorant, soap, 6 running shirts, 4 pajama shirts, 2 packages (meaning 3 packs in each) of gum, and a package of toothbrush heads. Oh, and 2 boxes of hot cocoa and 2 cans of whip cream. As I walked out I pictured myself picking up the snow boots and shouting "I'll buy these and only these." Part of me has to laugh at myself at the mental image and comparison. I by no means fit the description of a shopping addict. Anyone who knows me well can verify this (I actually abhor shopping most of the time.) And I know I could go off onto some pretty deep tangents filled with analogies and metaphors about always trying to get things we don't need but I don't feel like it tonight. Instead I'll leave it where it is and let you go deeper if you so choose. Maybe I'll get more philosophical in the next entry. :)

Except...

2010-12-02T17:10:00.000-08:00

“Solomon showed his love for the Lord by walking according to the statutes of his father David, except that he offered sacrifices and burned incense on the high places.” 1 Kings 3:3

I never stop being amazed that Solomon did so well in the beginning in binding himself to God and His law. He showed humility in asking God for wisdom instead of riches, built the temple with diligence and prayed a beautiful prayer of dedication when the temple was complete. He walked in the way of the Lord’s statutes because he loved the Lord, except… All it took was one “except” and he was on the road to straying from God. It didn’t affect only his reign but set the stage for a long line of descendants who would love the Lord except…

I know that Solomon is human so the fact that he erred isn’t the greatest of all shocks. However, that word “except” still bugs me. It bugs me because the Lord was incredibly faithful to Solomon and blessed him far and away beyond what He did for David. So how can there be an “except”? When I really meditate on this passage, stop focusing on Solomon and turn inward I realize the “except” bothers me because I, too, am guilty of it. I love the Lord and I can honestly say that love grows as time goes on. I’m amazed at His faithfulness in times of uncertainty and depression, except…I still have a critical spirit, I try to force my plans on God (and even attempt to say they’re God’s plans), negotiate my obedience (saying I’ll do what You say if You do what I’ll say), get apathetic about my relationship with Him—the list could go on longer than I care to admit. I hate that “except”.

Not-so-perfect form

2010-11-24T12:41:00.000-08:00

I love watching my 4 year old nephew run. Several months ago my sister told me that his preschool teacher said he was doing well in everything, but when it came to running he was always last. For some reason I couldn't imagine why this could be. Not long after I found this out, I was babysitting for my nephews and decided to pay attention to his running form. It all came together. His arms where hiked up and pumping hard as if to will himself to go faster, feet were flailing out and knees turned in. It was the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Every time I picture this precious boy running I have to smile. This past weekend I was doing my own treadmill run and for some reason my nephew and his running came to mind. I began thinking of my own running form which has earned more than one person commenting that I make running look effortless. As I thought about this God popped in with some thoughts of His own (since He seems to like to use running to teach me things). I've been reading a book on perfectionism for one of my classes and have been thinking a lot about my own battle of performance perfectionism. I prefer my movement through life to look like I do when I'm running...effortless. In addition, I like to perform consistently well. In some areas of my life I do seem to be able to maintain good form...like with the disciplines of prayer and Bible study. Unfortunately there are other areas where my form seems to look a bit more like my nephew's...like with having a critical spirit. In this area my attempts to keep from having a critical spirit are as clumsy and cumbersome as when my nephew tries to run fast. I'm pumping my arms hard, legs flying, knees knocking and a good deal of the time I'm tripping over myself as I try to improve. God showed me that even in the things in life where my form is quite clumsy, He still looks on me and smiles at my effort just as I do with my nephew. My desire to improve and do well is sweet to Him. He doesn't hide His face in shame that I'm not measuring up in this area (or any area for that matter) to those around me but rather is so very pleased that I'm trying.

I never thought....

2010-10-27T16:28:00.000-07:00

As I was taking an early evening walk with my dog I had a lovely realization that I'm actually starting to get some kind of rhythm in this new life that I'm living right now. As I thought about the fact that I really am living a new life I had a fresh realization of just how big of a deal it is that I quit my job to move to a city where I know no one to be trained in a completely different profession. That thought lead me to the theme of all the things I never thought would happen in my life or the way I never thought my life would be. Here's what it would've sounded like if you had been in my head. I never thought...I would live somewhere other than my hometown...I would live somewhere other than that state I was born in...I would NOT be a teacher...I would still be single and childless by the time of my current age...I would leave the country as many times as I have and even willingly live in another one for more than a month...I would lose a parent before that parent was old enough to see my kids...I would ever get out of a couple periods of depression...I would ever get over a couple heartbreaks...I would be ok with not knowing or having control over the future...I would get past an eating disorder...I would enjoy long distance running...I would be in a place of depth and intimacy that I'm at in my relationship with God.

Some of the things above are a little heavy, some have caused moments of deep grieving for what I want but don't have and some have just flat out surprised me. The beautiful thing is, regardless of which of the 3 above categories my "I never thoughts" fit in they all have the touch of God in them. Depression, heartbreak, healing from eating disorders, my mom's death have all showed me God's comfort and how it touches places of my heart a human can't. It also has lead to a lot of growth and building my faith. Learning to love running, leaving the country and living in another country have created so much enjoyment of the world around me that God has created. I'm learning to enjoy the "I never thoughts"....probably more than I ever thought I would. So I guess you could say I never thought I would enjoy God messing with my plans :)

Life and Death

2010-10-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were." Romans 4:17 (NIV)
"...who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist." (ESV)

I love re-reading old journal entries. It's such an encouraging reminder of where I've been and where God has taken me. As I read through some entries from April of this year the verse above came up a couple times and has spoken encouragement to my heart this morning. Just thought I would share with you what I said. Maybe it's the encouragement you're needing in the season you're in too.

April 25
I start this entry by referencing the above verse from Romans and go on to say the following:
"It's the same God that calls into being confidence in who He's created me to be as if it already fully existed. He's the God of the death of my insecurity. I love it. I love that I can have confidence in God to help me become more secure in the person He has created me to be.

May 5
(To give you some context, in part of the entry I'm referring to a break-up. When I refer to a "calling" I mean going to counseling school which is what I'm now doing. Again, the paragraph in this entry starts with a reference to Romans 4:17)

"I found myself in awe that even as my relationship last year was dying God was simultaneously working on bringing life in the midst of that death. As a relationship that carried many hopes and expectations died God immediately spoke into life a beautiful calling. He really is the God of the living and the dead. I so look forward to the journey ahead. I sense God has an adventure on the horizon. I'm thankful for how He has graciously walked me through the past 6 or 7 months of questions, frustrations, depression and impatience. I'm grateful that He has grown my trust in Him in regard to the decision-making process. I love that the ending to this time of seeking is actually a beautiful beginning to a new chapter in my life story. Thank you, God."

I don't know where you are in your life right now. Maybe your in a time of seeking, refining, or wrestling. Maybe God is taking something from you that you've held tightly. I hope you're encouraged by the fact that even though God may be bringing death to certain things in your life He will faithfully bring life as well.

You Were on the Cross

2010-10-06T07:08:00.001-07:00

This entry is going to seem really long but it's only because I've included the lyrics to a song that has been rolling around in my heart and mind lately. My belief is that if you're a human and you're reading this you'll be able to identify with what the artist is saying. I found myself quite humbled when I first truly listened to the song. I thought of all the times I struggled with disappointment or a feeling of loneliness in the midst of God's refining. I thought of my reaction to God in those low moments and much of the time there was an accusatory hint to my approach to Him. Somewhere on the lines of "How could you let me go through this alone?", "Why are you taking away these hopes and/or dreams I have?", or "Why have you abandoned me when I need you most?". I love this song because it's such a poignant reminder that all those times I accused God of abandoning me, the reality is He knows what I'm experiencing because of Jesus' life on this earth and the abandonment Jesus experienced as He suffered on the cross while His Father looked the other way. Jesus isn't called our Great High Priest for nothing. He knows. He gets it. He's fully aware of how it feels to live in this fallen world and He hasn't, in fact, abandoned us. Better yet, He's created a way out of the fallen-ness of this world without having to leave it. He created victory over our sin, shame, broken hopes and dreams when He suffered that cruelest of all abandonment from His own Father. He's simply waiting for me to stop depending too much on the broken humans around me and do the hard work of coming into His presence and waiting on Him to meet me where I am. Please know that I'm not advocating for trying to work out all things on your own. I'm fully aware of the necessity of a supportive Church community and feel if you're not in one you're not only handicapping your own ability to make it through the tough things of this world but you're also opening yourself up to believing lots of lies of the enemy. Just reminding you that community is full of broken humans who will let you down and that it's necessary to place your first hope in Christ. That's the end of that sermon. Now read the lyrics and if possible find the song to listen to:)

"You Were on the Cross", Matt Maher

Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where when You when all that I've hoped for,
Where when you when all that I've dreamed,
Came crashing down in shambles around me?
You were on the cross.

Pain, could you take way the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me.

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life I wish I never made.

You were on the cross. My God, my God.
All alone, all alone.
You were on the cross. You died for us.
All alone, all alone.
You were on the cross, victorious.
All alone, all alone.

You were there in all of my suffering.
And you were there in doubt and fear.
I'm waiting for the dawn to reappear.

church hunting = dating

2010-09-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

"What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me." Job 3:25

This verse describes perfectly my feelings regarding church hunting. I knew more than 2 months ago as I was preparing to move that the dreaded church hunt would be part of the transitioning process. As the verse says above, it's the thing that I feared and dreaded. Ok, so fear may be a bit strong but dreaded is pretty accurate. Over the past couple weeks I've decided that looking for a church is like all the ups and downs of dating. You want to do it because it will lead to "the one" yet, if you're anything like me, a whole lot of analyzing goes into the process. It's a pretty big deal after all. (If you're wondering at this point if I'm referring to dating or church hunting the answer is yes.) You don't want to be rash when it comes to making a choice that affects your spiritual growth, social life, how you're going to minister and serve, and that affects the lens through which you've been viewing God and the Word. And what if your family isn't so keen on your choice? (Yep, still talking about both). Then there's the whole argument of how many times do you have to try this out before you say you've given it a good shot. Should I feel some emotional draw right away? If I don't is that an indicator that it's not "the one" or do I give it a few more tries? How many tries is adequate before you can say you put in a good effort and can officially and comfortably deem it not "the one"? God, can't I just know right away if this is it or not and skip the whole trial and error process? To be honest, I feel like this about church hunting right now 10x more than I do about dating. In the words of an old PT school classmate's little sister, "I don't want to get there, I just want to be there!"

If you're wondering where all these deep sentiments regarding the church search are coming from just attribute it to introvert overload. Still love being in St. Louis, am glad for the decision I made go to seminary and am thankful to God to get such a lovely opportunity in this phase of my life to be trained to minister well. However, my little introvert self has about reached the limit of meeting new people in jobs, school and in the process of church hunting, and it's getting a little tiresome. About 6 months ago I was starting to wonder if I was beginning to convert to extrovertism. This move has showed me otherwise. Ah well. C'est la vie. This too shall pass.

Wabaday

2010-08-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

Wabaday...not just fun to say, also the name of the street I'll be living on in a little over a week. I was looking on Covenant's website for housing opportunities when I came across it. I was actually looking at it for the 2nd or 3rd time to see if there were options I had ruled out that I might need to stop being picky about and start considering. Then I came across this particular ad that hadn't been there the last time I had looked. I called the number listed and that night found myself on Wabaday looking at a 2 bedroom house for a rent that was ridiculously too good to be true. As I talked to the owner of the house it became more and more evident that this was the provision God had been asking me to wait on. For starters, the owner informed me that he and his wife had been praying for the past 2 weeks about what to do with the house since it had been on the market all summer and not selling. Interestingly enough it was exactly 2 weeks ago that my apartment fire occurred leaving me with the dilemma of where to live. The 2nd sign of God's provision is kind of a minor detail but nonetheless fun for me. I had painted my kitchen, was in the process of painting another room and had the color picked out for my livingroom before having to make the decision to not stay. I was a little bummed because I loved the color schemes I had chosen. Then I walk into this house and wouldn't you know it but the kitchen and livingroom where both painted the colors I had chosen and the extra room was painted very close to the same blue I had chosen. So there it is ladies and gentleman. God at His finest doing exactly what He was asking me to trust Him to do...surprise me with His provision.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

2010-08-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

I wish you could've been in my head today. I'm pretty sure you would've left at the end of the day thinking "schizophrenic". Today was orientation at Covenant Seminary. I had the sense of "I'm really going to do this" mixed with "This is exactly where I'm supposed to be" all at once. It was lovely. I was excited. It wasn't going to last. As we sat through orientation one of the professors pointed out that for the first month and a half we would have the same emotions one had when they went to church camp as a teenager. It's that feeling of elation at getting to study the word, making exciting discoveries about God and self, and getting to spend so much time around other believers who are equally excited to both grow in the faith and be a resource to others as they grow in their faith. He followed this comparison by saying "Then on about September 20th it's going to end." Now, I'm not naive. I had already figured out that the excitement I was feeling was part of the newness of it all and that it was probably going to end at some point. I just didn't expect it to end 4 or 5 hours after he made the comment. I figured I had at least a month, ya know. Be that as it may, I did not. The reason for the low after the high was related to circumstances totally unrelated to school and it wasn't even that big of a deal. Yet it still set the stage for God to remind me that I had a choice to make. He was reminding me of what He spoke last week---that He wanted the chance to surprise me with His provision---and He was calling me back to that decision I had made to trust Him. The bonus round of this challenge is He was calling me to trust that in the midst of my low. So as I finished my run up I told God I'm still all in, He just may have to give me a little more of an idea of what it looks like to trust Him when it comes to this situation with my apartment.

In other news, God did show me a way He has provided that was unexpected. I received a notification from my gas company in Indy saying they had miscalculated how much I was supposed to be paying monthly and they actually owed me $151. What THEY don't know is they probably figured it up exactly right (because the house I lived in was older and not the most stellar in the area of insulation) but God decided to use that venue as a reminder that He has all sorts of ways He can provide for me over the next 3 years. It's up to me to see it for what it is....another words, more than coincidence, more than a mistake that someone else has made (the gas co. in this case), more than an accident.

Alright, God.

Learning to be surprised by God

2010-08-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

A while back I mentioned in a blog that I was waiting to hear back from a seminary if I had been accepted to their counseling program. Well, I was and I'm officially in St. Louis awaiting fall semester to start. But don't get the idea that just because classes haven't started that school isn't already in session. Oh no. Classes in the school of life are very much ongoing right now. The current class: faith; the current lesson: letting God surprise me. This lesson was initiated my last week in Indy. I was packing up my house to leave, making arrangements for who would drive down with me, arranging with the school for help on the St. Louis side to unload my van, while also coordinating those final hang out times. I thought I was doing a pretty darn good job being organized balancing these different aspects of preparing to move. And then life happened. A beautiful woman of God who had been graciously walking the journey of cancer was mercifully released from her battle and no doubt swept into the arms of Jesus. Lovely for her, sucky for the rest of us. Her funeral was scheduled for the day I initially intended to leave. I had absolutely no trouble making the decision to stay the extra day to celebrate the glory of God through her life---I don't hold quite that tightly to the plans I've made. However, all of a sudden my brain was in a tailspin about how I was going to pack my moving van while at a funeral, who was going to drive down with me (far fewer people were able to go down on Sunday versus the original Saturday) and questioning if there would be anyone on the other end to help unload (that was especially stressful knowing there were fewer people able to drive down with me). To add to that, my moving van of choice (Uhaul) was not cooperating with the whole "hold the reservation" thing and at one point I was certain I did not have a van to move my things from one state to the next. In the midst of the chaos flowing through my brain and the acid flowing in my stomach God spoke. Somehow through that mess He was able to get a message through to my heart. The message: "Give Me a chance to surprise you with My provision." He was asking me to lay down the stress and the constant running of my mind in order to let Him pull everything together. It would appear I didn't pass this test because now, 2 weeks later, I've been given a retake of the test. Yesterday evening I experienced the joy of an electrical fire in my apartment. Minimal damage but serious enough of an issue that I'm going to have to move. As I packed up my stuff to go to a hotel last night my mind started again with the chaos and my stomach with the acid. My beautifully planned week before starting school next week was going down the toilet. As I scrutinized over any possible solution to my dilemma the Teacher spoke up and helped me cheat a bit..."Give Me a chance to surprise you with My provision." It hit me that the same lesson was in progress, class was very much not dismissed and I had a chance to improve the results from the last time this test was presented to me. I really have no idea how to not plan in order to provide for myself but I guess that's what faith is anyway; choosing to trust the unseen over that which can be seen. As I muddle through this one I'll try to keep you updated on how God works. I know in my heart that it could be quite exciting and fun so I'm determined to learn how to let God do His thing. Should be interesting!

The Tricky Season of Peace

2010-03-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

For the past 2 weeks I've been quite consciously aware of a deep and lovely peace resting on my spirit. If you've followed any of my blog entries over the past 5-6 months you will have picked up on a good deal of wrestling as God has taken me on a journey of transforming and renewing my mind. This weekend it seems more evident to me that there has been a shift inside. I'm not daily having the mental and emotional battles with God, I'm not constantly questioning what's coming next (even though I'm still waiting for a seminary in St. Louis to decide if they'll have me or not), and the Jacob-like wrestling match with God has been settled (yes, I do indeed have quite the limp too--but I'm ok with that). I really can't put into words just how grateful I am to God for how He has closely walked with me into this lovely place. In the same way I'm aware of how my spirit has been given the space to relax I'm noticing something else. In the season of schizophrenia, aka refinement (see my entry "Are you sure this is the only way to do this?" for an explanation on that one) there are certain benefits. In that place I'm more alert to the enemy's strategy, sensitive to God's voice, humbled at His feet and calling out more consistently for more of Him. It even makes me more outwardly focused because I want people who are in their own wilderness to know they have God to love them through it. This season of peace can be strangely tricky because my spirit relaxes a little (quite thankfully, by the way), but then I find myself dropping my guard. Things in the world start to feel right again and I kind of forget a little that I need Jesus every bit as much and more. I seem to kind of forget that others are still in a wilderness and need Jesus to get them through it. As I sat in a church service yesterday listening to a message about the wilderness, God gave me the gentle reminder that the pressure may be off but I'm still not allowed to get sucked into pursuing the desires of my heart over God. Jesus must still stay above those things. During a time of quiet in the service I made a conscious decision to remember that God is still the only One who fully satisfies the deepest needs of my soul. I made the decision to choose to continue to ask for more and more of Him even though the need for Him doesn't feel as pressing as it does in the schizophrenia season of life. Yep, seasons of peace can be tricky but I'm willing to learn the balance of living with the awareness of the wilderness season but with the peace and rest that I'm enjoying right now.

For as long as we both shall live...

2010-02-21T18:40:00.000-08:00

If you don't recognize the phrase in the title then you clearly haven't been to as many weddings as I have.:) (Just kidding...sort of.) Anyway, it's commonly spoken in a wedding during the vows. Tonight it popped in my head during the sermon at my church. In all honesty, I don't think my pastor was saying anything at all that had anything to do with weddings but this is the analogy that came to mind in reaction to something he said that got my brain working. Don't ask me what exactly he said because, basically, I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that wedding vows with God became the theme in my brain. I began thinking about how in the wedding the bride and groom make certain strong vows to each other. Here is a sample: On this day I affirm the relationship we have enjoyed, looking to the future to deepen and strengthen it. I will be yours in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in failure and in triumph. Together we will dream, will stumble but restore each other, we will share all things, serving each other and our fellow humanity. I will cherish and respect you, comfort and encourage you, be open with you, and stay with you as long as we shall Live, freed and bound by our Love. God spoke to me tonight that this is how He wants each individual relationship with Him to look. He so desires that we would love Him in sickness or health, in plenty and want, in failure and triumph, etc. He aches to dream with us, to walk with us when we stumble and then restore us, and to serve humanity with us. He wants us to cherish and respect Him as He does us. He craves the opportunity to be trusted enough to allow Him to comfort and encourage us, but also for us to be open with Him.....for as long as we shall live. Sadly none of these vows are our human tendency when it comes to God. We're usually with Him in health and angry in sickness, praising Him for the plenty and cursing Him for the want, confident about Him in triumph and suspicious of Him in failure...you get the picture. Here's the clincher. The whole reason He wants us to bind ourselves to Him like this is for the last 6 words of the vow in italics "...freed and bound by our Love".

I'm finally coming to a place in this season of my life where the reality of God as my everything is reaching a new level of depth. Unfortunately, the process to getting there included a lot of vow breaking (so to speak) with not accepting the negatives (like failure and emotional wants). Grateful is an understatement for the feeling I have in regard to how He has stuck with me when I stumbled, as well as for how He continued to cherish, comfort and encourage me in my lowest of moments. I'm overwhelmed by the beautiful reality that my faithlessness has not nullified His faithfulness (Romans 3:3). Thank You, Jesus, for the freedom I have because I am bound by Your love.

Crunchy

2010-01-03T11:06:00.000-08:00

When someone has asked me how things are going for me these days one of my favorite descriptors of this season is "crunchy". I can't remember where I picked up using this word (and when I look it up in the dictionary there's no definition that fits the way I use it) but whenever I'm going through a season, circumstance or even a moment that's kind of edgy and not so easy to swallow crunchy is how it feels to me. The past 2 weeks the sermons in church have touched on some of the crunchiness that's going on in my soul. 2 weeks ago one of my pastors was talking about why Christians have such a hard time calling God "Father" or "Abba" or even "Daddy". My pastor mentioned the common reason given is many of us struggle to see God in that way because it seems irreverent (that could be a whole other blog, by the way). While I agree that's a reason that is true for some I also feel like there's something deeper that referring to God so intimately strikes in us. My feeling is we're afraid to approach God so intimately because we're afraid of what that intimacy might do to us. If we really come to God and view Him and His love the same way we would view a father's or a daddy's, what might that make us feel compelled to do to in order to please Him? What might it make us let go of to maintain that intimacy? How might it refocus our attention in order to keep this connection with our Daddy? Basically, how might this kind of intimacy wreck our lives? You know what I'm talking about. You've been there too. You've heard the soft whisper, felt the gentle prodding in the midst of the noise and activity of live. You know good and well it comes from a Father who is just trying to draw you near. And what do we do? What's the alternative to this intimacy that turns life on it's head? Living life running after what our hearts desire without a second thought as to wether it's flesh or Spirit, placing things that could be good in that wretched place of idols that firmly block the path to our Satisfier. We're not really so much afraid to offend God with an informal salutation. We're afraid to offend our flesh with the implication that maybe we've given its voice, along with its motivation for living, a little too much value and attention. I'm learning that it really is such a very good thing to be giving up the things I've put a lot of emphasis on in the recent past to make room for deeper intimacy with God. This stripping away is by no means easy or comfortable but my Father is being ever so gentle with my heart in the process. He is indeed a good Daddy.

I was running! (please read in your best Forest Gump impression:) )

2009-11-22T06:14:00.000-08:00

Warning: this blog may initially seem like it doesn't have a point but it does. So make sure you keep reading through all the initial runing stuff. :) )

I went for a run this morning. The miracle in that is I wasn't running a race. I hate running in the morning so about the only time I do it is if I'm in a race. Yet somehow when I woke up I got this crazy idea that I might actually enjoy a run. Besides the fact that it would be a morning run I was suprised at my desire to get out so early because my last run was 30 minutes of wind sucking torture (this irked me greatly because the day before I ran a decent paced 6 miles with little trouble). However, with little thought or hesitation I found myself going straight from PJs to running gear. You can probably guess what happened...the run was great. When I finished and was doing my walking cool down I got the chance to soak in the post-run feeling I love so much--hot, sweaty (not a great look for me, let me tell ya), muscles aching, endorphins rushing, and the feeling that my body had just been cleansed of all the crap I ate the evening before (should've known better than to buy those peanut butter M&Ms!). When I got back in the house I sat down to rest and began wondering what pace I kept throughout the run, and ended up with a lovely realization. It went something like this: "I wonder how fast I was running. I know it wasn't as fast as a few years ago. Then again, I'm not as crazy as I was a few years ago either." This thought made me laugh, and it also gave God a chance to make His point about this morning run.

Alright, so here's the point of the run and this blog.

For the past 4 years running has been very much a spiritual experience for me. Spiritual in the sense that God has shown me many things about myself through running. This morning it was all about learning to listen when He prods me to do something (yes, I believe he prodded me to run this morning...don't necessarily feel like He does that with all details of my life all the time but He did this morning). He may be asking me to do something I've done before and maybe that something left a bad taste in my mouth the last time, but He's asking me to trust that if He's the One leading me there then I can trust it to be ok. Just as my run ended up being great in spite of the circumstances I can trust that whatever He asks me to do will be great in spite of past or present circumstances. The other thing He spoke to me is in regard to that thought process regarding my pace. Now, there are a gazillion lessons packed up in this one that God has taught me about myself but I'll just stick to what He showed me today. 4 years ago I got on a ridiculous running kick that was stimulated by an event that showed me just how much I really don't have control over my life and what happens in it. The result was lots of stress and anxiety, and therefore lots of crazy-paced running. Recently I've been again walking through some things that again show me that I don't have complete control over what happens in my life. Initially the result was stress and anxiety but because of those lessons of the past I was able to handle things healthier quicker than a few years ago; therefore not as much running and certainly not that crazy pace I once enjoyed (yes, I enjoyed it...I'm competitive with myself after all!). God was graciously showing me this morning where I am in the process of being a healthier person and more like the one He intended me to be. It's almost ridiculous to me how much God loves me in this moment. He ever so gently showed me so many lessons through things that I love and brought encouragement to my soul. Doesn't this make you want to go out for a run now? ;)

Are you sure this is the only way to do this?

2009-11-14T13:44:00.000-08:00

The question that is my title for this blog is one I'm asking of God these days as He prepares me for a new season. Ya see, I've entered what we in the Christian world like to call "refining". This is the tame term we like to put on a process that is usually quite wretched for the one being refined. I'm thinking about initiating a change in the Christian terminology for this season to a phrase that is more realistic. I vote that instead of using the word "refine" we call this the "season of schizophrenia." Hang with me a second and you'll see it really fits. Schizophrenia is defined as being characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. When I think about my seasons of refinement in the past as well as this current season, this description totally fits. As God begins to show me things inside myself and way of thinking that He wants to change I start out feeling pretty excited to hear His voice and anticipate the change He is about to do that will make me more like Jesus. However, as time goes on I begin to see just how much of my way of thinking is off and also that I really am not as excited to give it up as I thought. This is the withdrawal from reality and illogical pattern of thinking phase. I find myself just wanting to get away from the truth He is showing and I may walk that illogical pattern of thinking that holds onto my beliefs and way as being right. If I hold too tightly to the illogical pattern of thinking or withdraw too long from the reality He's trying to lead me into, I then enter the delusions phase. The delusion usually involves me thinking that I've got it under control and that my way of thinking really will still work just as well as the way of thinking He's trying to transform my mind to. The varying degrees of emotional, behavioral or intellectual disturbances is present throughout the entire process. I may find that one moment I'm so excited that the God of the universe is speaking to me and being near me, and the next moment I may be telling Him to back up off this territory of my heart because He's hurting me a little too much. My behavior can go from one of worship to distancing myself from Him for fear of what He may say or try to change next. I think the intellectual disturbance part is pretty obvious...I'll teeter back and forth from my personal knowledge of His faithfulness to stay with me and the truth that His ways and thoughts are higher than mine to this crazy thought that He's just out to take everything that I hold dear away from me. So you see that schizophrenia and refinement really aren't so far off from each other :) Don't be scared. I have no intention of turning my back on God just because He's doing some crazy tough things inside of me. However I also wanted to be quite bare and naked before you about my struggle in refinement so maybe you would feel the freedom to feel the same way. Luckily for us all God is able to handle our wrestling. I may be "schizophrenic" in my walk about 50% of the time right now but the other 50% of me is fully hopeful that this season will make me better able to walk in the season that's coming soon.

Bigger than Me

2009-09-20T14:37:00.000-07:00

Friday night a good friend and I went to listen to a band from Toronto called Red Rain. I'd never heard of them but liked them right away. A line from one of their songs hit me. It was simply this: "This is way, way, way, way, way bigger than me." It got sutck in my head partially because of the obvious repetition. They sung that line 3 times in 30 seconds at one point which means I heard the word "way" quite a bit. It was fitting for them to say that word in particular so much. Think about it--why do we repeat things? We do it to make sure the listener gets it that this is a main or important point. It's a way of conveying the magnitude of something. In the case of this song and this line, the writers/singers were trying to make it understood that this life we live in and that God is authoring isn't just big; it's not just a little bigger than my little self (and all my little dreams, desires, problems, etc); it's way, way, way, way, way bigger than me. On a smaller "me" scale I received some comfort in that. I was reminded that in the midst of the loads of questions I have for God about why He has orchestrated my life the way He has the past several months, the reasons are bigger than just me. Partly because His reason for doing things hasn't been done in the vacuum of my life alone (meaning His actions are a result of His work in the lives of others around me), and partly because His modus operandi is for His glory (which happens to be way, way, way, way, way over my head). On a more global scale, His unfathomable ways comfort me as I read through a book that completely exposes (in detail) the pain of girls caught in the viscious cycle of sex traffiking, loss of innocence of Ugandan children forced to murder, the hopelessness of men and women forced into back-breaking labor to pay an unpayable debt and the stark, seemingly unstoppable evil of the oppressors. Though sometimes I really don't get God's thought processes when it comes to my own pain or the pain of others, I do have a baseline trust in His love. So I'm glad to know that in the midst of all the unexplainable crap of this world I can lean on the truth that it and He are way, way, way, way, way bigger than me.

Ah-ha Moment

2009-09-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

Don't you love light bulb moments from God? I had such a one this past Saturday. It had been a long week for me emotionally (for lots of reasons that I'll spare details on for brevity sake) and I had just gotten off work. I was feeling like it may be best for me to be around people as opposed to being in my house all evening, letting my mind get sucked into that not so helpful cycle of analyzing and over-analyzing. Only one problem...didn't seem to be anyone to hang out with. I made a few phone calls and sent a couple texts with the result being unavailable people or just having to leave voice mails in the hope of a return call. It was a beautiful (and that may be an understatement) afternoon and I had already decided I was going to take my new bike out for its first ride so I figured that would give people time to call me back, and it would keep me from having to wait in my house where the viscious analyzation cycle takes place. So I hopped onto my bike and headed north on the monon. For several blocks (ok, so all the way from 51st street to about 106th) I was kind of in a negative mode of thinking and really not getting full enjoyment from the ride. I was having a nice pity party for the fact that I didn't seem to have any friends (yes, an exaggeration). At about 106th street I ran into the park that had been in progress of being built the last time I was in the area (quite a while ago) and was now finished. I welcomed the new thing to explore and got off the monon to head through the park. As I was riding I began to really take in just how gorgeous the day was, how perfect the temperature was, and how this little park made me truely feel like I was out in God's creation. And then I caught myself thinking the following thought..."I wish I had someone to share this with." And not a split second later came the response from God..."What about Me?" Ouch! That question was followed by an explanation from Him that He had actually created that moment for me. The amazing day, the new bike to take out for a ride, getting off work early enough to enjoy being outside, how being outside just spoke to and resonated with my spirit...He'd created all of it for that space of time for me to enjoy...with Him. All of a sudden I re-realized that lesson I mentioned in a recent blog about how God has been speaking to me through Romans 12:2 and how my mind needs to be transformed and renewed. It clicked just how much I conform to the pattern of this world that I must have a human being to share all meaningful experiences with. Yet here my God was showing me that He knows my heart, what I love, the things that refresh me and He wants to not only give those things to me but He wants to SHARE them with me. The rest of that ride had a totally different feel to it. There was a different level of enjoyment to it and I became ok with the possibility that the rest of the evening may not be spent in the presence of another person, but rather it might just be spent chilling and relaxing with my God. It was certainly a nice ah-ha and one I look forward to God speaking more to in the coming days and weeks.

Are we there yet???

2009-09-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up my family and I went on vacations every summer to somewhere in the USA. Since we're a family of 5 we didn't fly...we always drove. That made for a LOT of driving when travelling to places like Colorado. My sisters and I were the typical impatient car travellers (and if you've ever driven through Kansas you would know why), frequently asking the ever common "Are we there yet?" and "How much longer?" type of questions. My dad's response most times was on the lines of this "Sit back, relax, enjoy the ride and I'll tell you when we get there." A few years ago or so I was struggling with something that involved me not knowing answers about what was coming in the future. I can't remember the specific situation, but I do know for sure I wasn't doing so well with the waiting God was having me do. I know I was going to Him with similar questions of "how much longer" while also using the same whiny voice I used with my dad when I was trying to get him to give me answers regarding the proximity to our destination. As I was struggling with the waiting God reminded me of my dad's response. And then He made it clear that my dad's response was the same one that applied to my journey with Him. Well, I'm back on a journey of waiting again. I have brewing within me a significant restlessness that I really don't know what to do with. I believe I've started on a new journey to something new, and I'm yet again asking God "how much longer" before I get some new direction or instructions. And He's yet again giving me the same answer...."sit back, relax, enjoy the ride and I'll tell you when we get there". I'd like to say that after hearing God tell me that multiple times as I've entered new seasons in the last 5 years that I'm doing a good job sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the journey but I would be betraying my blog title if I said that. But then, tomorrow is a fresh day with a fresh start and a fresh attempt at enjoying the journey, and He did say His mercies are new every morning...so there's hope for me yet:)

Everything

2009-08-28T19:23:00.001-07:00

Welcome to another blog entry inspired by music. The song is "Everything" by Tim Hughes. I was listening to this song for the millionth time today (it was literally on repeat for my entire trip from home to work this morning) when something about it hit me at a deeper level. I began thinking about the level of detail involved in declaring God to be in my breathing, sleeping, and thinking (and by thinking I don't mean those moments of deep contemplation but the moments where the thoughts are random). Some Christians might say that focusing on God in every thought, breath, moment of sleep or aspect of work is over-spiritualizing things. And to those people I would say, "You've obviously never struggled with depression before." This is one of those moments where I don't want to live up to my blog's name but will choose to lay aside my pride and do it anyway. Only because the topic is one that still hits my pride where it hurts. Since about 2005 I've been dealing with the fact that depression is a recurrent struggle I have. For me it's not every single moment or day of my life. It comes more in seasons. Sometimes I know the instigator and sometimes I don't. There's a lot in regard to this part o fmyself that I'm still trying to figure out but 2 things I know: 1)I don't like how it makes me feel so unlike my true self and 2)It is absolutely necessary that God is in every single moment of that season of lows. I can't even begin to imagine how I would get thorugh a day during a low without inviting God to be in each moment. Some days I'm not sure if I would be able to function well if I didn't. This leads me to another part of the song that I feel such joy in my spirit each time I hear and sing along with it. The line is "Christ in me the hope of glory." As a human and apart from Christ I'm totally defeated when it comes to this issue. But when I invite Christ in there's not only hope, but hope of glory. That goes far and away beyond simply getting through the day and speaks to the possibility of actually being able to add something positive to my part of the world. I by no means have it all figured out when it comes to working through the blue funk (see one of my really early blogs to clear up confusion on that term) but praise God there's hope.

Help my unbelief!

2009-08-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

If you would've asked me earlier this year if I believed in God's love for me I would've said without hesitation, "Absolutely!" After all, hadn't He just taken me through an amazing time of service in South Africa, walked with me faithfully through some tough healing, provided me with tons of great travelling experiences, etc? "Of course I know He loves me" I would tell you. Not to mention I've been through some tough, heart-breaking experiences in the past 10 years including my mom's death, hard core battling against anorexia and head on combat with depression. I've seen God work and move faithfully in so many ways. "Yep, no question. I know God loves me." A few months ago I was arguing with God (that's right, the same God that I claim to know loves me) and out of my heart comes anger. I began accusing God of mishandling my heart. As I spewed forth those accusations God spoke ever so gently and told me to think about what I was saying. He reminded me that the enemy is an accuser and I was going right along with him in making Him out to be a conniving Deity that is out to do what He will with me without a single thought for who I am and what I want. In that moment I had a realization--I don't really belive God's love for me. All these years I've told myself I get it and I really do believe He loves me but there has been evidence of many times when I felt the sting of disappointment in unmet expectations, and my first reaction has always been to be angry with God. Why? Because I really didn't trust His love for me. This time as God reminded me that the accuser was getting the better of what I knew to be true I felt my heart soften. For the first time I began having a new outlook on Him and even a new trust in the indescribable depth of love He has for me. A few weeks ago He impressed on my heart Romans 12:2: "Do not be conformed any longer to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is; His good, pleasing and perfect will." Since He first impressed that verse on me He has since revealed that the way He is calling me to have a transformed and renewed mind is to change my outlook on how much He really loves me and longs to satisfy my heart, along with all it's desires. And not the kind of satisfaction that comes by simply giving me all my desires, but the kind that comes simply from Him giving Himself to me. This is not an easy mind-shift to make. I've been seeing just how much I've been conforming to the pattern of this world in believing that I know God loves me when my expectations are met and when I want them met. It's actually kind of scary how much I've conformed to that pattern. I invite you to do some heavy inspection of your own heart.
When you say you know God loves you, is it really just lip service? Are there times in your life when God didn't show up the way you expected and the ache of disappointment outweighed your previous confessions of knowledge of His love? Would you really be satisfied if it was just you and Him, or do you know their would be pieces of your heart, of yourself that would be distracted by the other things you want out of life? Harsh questions? If you really do ask them, yes they're harsh. I'm feeling the sting of them as God presses in to help me fully believe what it means to be loved by Him. On the other hand, I'm feeling something else as well. It's summed up in a verse that I'll close this entry off with. Praying that His love becomes more real to you than it ever has!

He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Trusting the Rule Maker

2009-08-02T06:26:00.001-07:00

I was reading this morning in Mark 9:19-29 about the healing of the young boy with a demon. In the passage it talks about how the disciples tried to give it a go driving the demon out but were unsuccessful. Jesus shows up and gets the job done. The disciples expressed to Jesus confusion at why they were unable to do this and His reply is "This kind can come out only by prayer." (v.29) As I read this verse I began to wonder if in hearing this the disciples didn't think "Stop changing the rules Jesus!". I'm not going to lie, if I were them that's what I'd be thinking. After all, at this point He had given them "authority to drive out evil spirits" (Matthew 10:1) and they had already been actively doing just that. Now here they are in a situation where they find themselves unsuccessful and Jesus tells them that it's because they were doing it wrong. Seems a little frustrating. I kind of feel like that's what happens in my life sometimes. I feel like I'm on track. I'm seeking the Lord, He's working, I'm being obedient to whatever He's calling me to on this part of my journey, and then it happens. Something unexpected pops up, a disappointment hits a deep place in my heart, I feel the sting of unmet desires and expectations. That's when I want to say "Stop changing the rules Jesus!" Recently I've been playing a song over and over that addresses this issue. The name of it is...wait for it...."God Moves in Mysterious Ways." The part that's been speaking the most to my own somewhat confused spirit follows:

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense

But trust Him for His grace

Behind a frowning providence

He hides a smiling face

His purposes will ripen fast

Unfolding every hour

The bud may have a bitter taste

But sweet will be the flower

Blind unbelief is sure to err

And scan His work in vain

God is His own interpreter

And He will make it plain

In His own time

In His own way...

Honesty compels me to confess that my least favorite part of those lyrics is the fact that God is His own interpreter and He'll make it plain when He's good and ready. However, my own life experience (short though it may be) also compels me to admit that it's true that I'm judging the journey He lays out for me with some quite feeble sense; and that many times I've seen evidence of His smiling face and the sweetness of the flower (even in the midst of the bitterness). So as much as I want to question God's rules of the game for my life at this particular moment I'm going to choose to sit still and let God unfold what He will when He's ready. I look forward to maybe telling you about it on here someday.

So maybe that's what faith is...

2009-06-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

As you've probably noticed from my last couple of blogs God is doing some speaking and refining in me these days. As rough as it has been some days and moments I'm excited to be hearing the voice of God speak so clearly so frequently right now. The moments when I haven't been so excited involve moments when I'm highly frustrated, anxious and even just a little mad when I don't quite see the fruit of my obedience to His specific commands to me. I am the impatient sort, no doubt. (If I'm told to do something, especially if God told me, then I expect a result. Not necessarily a bad expectation but my problem comes when I put a timeline on the result. But that's really a different blog.) I want to see God move in response to my obedience to Him. But because He's not responding here recently in the timeline I anticipated I've been frustrated down to the deepest parts of my soul. My response to that has been going to sisters in Christ that I can trust for good counsel, lots of prayer, more prayer and meditation in the Word. Even after that I've still found myself crying out for God to move before I lose it altogether. This was especially bad last night. It was to the point where the only thing I could say was "Do something quick God!" As my day went on today I was blessed by the distraction of work. And by the time I got home I noticed a calm in my spirit. As I thought back over the day, the previous evening and other moments of frustration in the past couple days I had a realiztion. Even though I was really battling with my flesh I never left being obedient to what God has told me to do so far. I realized that even though I was crying out, I was also walking in faith. It occurred to me that my view of faith is largely a vision of people who hear God and quietly accept His commands and are able to surrender all their anxieties to Him after maybe a small battle. Whoever said that it's not faith if you have to struggle, get frustrated and do a whole lot of crying out? In some ways, I think staying faithful in those moments when you're flesh is screaming to do the opposite may be more purely faith than when it comes without quite as much of a struggle. I'm encouraged. Thank You Jesus.

Taste and See

2009-06-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

In the devotional I did this morning the reference is Luke 8:26-39. It's the story of Jesus casting out of a man a legion of demons, and sending them into a herd of pigs that then plunged to their death. As the people in the nearby town heard what Jesus had done verse 37 states "...the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear." I don't know about you but whenever I read that verse I wonder why they were afraid. Why would they ask the Son of God to leave when they had just seen a work of his healing and freeing power in one of their own? My journey with God this week shows I've been a bit of a hypocrite toward the Gerasenes people. This week God has challenged me in regard to something in my "possession" (and I use that word loosely...especially after this week). It's something that's perfectly fine, not evil or intended for evil. Yet as I saw Jesus approaching this thing of mine from a distance I all of a sudden found myself overcome with fear. Like the Gerasenes people I wanted to ask Him to leave. Thankfully He didn't, but it took me a day or 2 to open my hands and stop grasping what was in my possession so Jesus could take a look and see how I was handling it. Through spending much time in His presence God showed me many things about what I was holding, bringing healing and freedom through truth. The whole process made me take a good hard look at how I view God, His love for me and His goodness. This morning after I read the previous mentioned passage I decided to do a word study on "good", in the context of God being good. I came across Psalm 34:8 which says "Taste and see that the Lord is good...". This lead to some thoughts. First off, this concept of tasting indicates an active experience of Him. If I want to know a food is good to me I'm not going to base that only on the presentation of the food or someone elses response to it. I can't tell it's good just by standing at a distance and observing. Instead, I'm going to take a risk, taste it, and experience it for myself. The same with Jesus. I can stand at a distance and see what He's doing for others and say it's good, but I can't know that about Jesus in my own life until I engage myself in experiencing Him. Just as with food, there's a risk. With food I don't know what taste is going to hit my tongue, and with Jesus I don't know what experiences I'll get on my way to seeing that He is indeed good. So I'm now holding much more loosely this thing in my life that I've allowed God to get fully involved in. I'm choosing to let Him be totally in the middle of it and to do with it what He will. I'm still not sure what experiences are going to come to me as I continue to surrender it to Him but I do know that in the end I will taste and see that He is good.

Housecleaning

2009-06-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

I have a confession. I have a bad habit. A habit of letting the cleanliness of my house slip to the point where the grime and dust actually make me feel uncomfortable being there. Recently my house had gotten to that point. I'm sure in the previous weeks (since the last cleaning) I had plenty of opportunities to prevent things from getting to this point but I always had a reason not to..."I'm too busy", "This is my only day off and I want to use it to rest", or "I just don't want to." Yeah, just not a big fan of housecleaning. This week something happened that lit a fire under my butt. My landlords are trying to sell the house and someone wanted to come look at it. Since I think my landlords are great and I know they want this house off their hands I all of a sudden had some new motivation to clean. As I got the process started of cleaning crumbs off the kitchen counter and organizing the clutter on tables an anticipation started to bud. As I wiped down mirrors and began to sweep, the possibilities of a clean house began to grow. And as I finally finshed the task of mopping all my hardwood floors the reality of cleanliness finally set in. When I finished I remember thinking "Things feel so good when they're organized and in their place."

Recently I've been playing and replaying a song by Sanctus Real called "Whatever You're Doing". There's a line that goes "It's time to face up. Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out." Just like I had to face up to the fact that I needed to clean my house to help it be more marketable for my landlords I've reached a point in the past week where I had to face the fact that some things inside me needed cleaning. Over the years (I don't know how many years) I allowed some very obstructing dirt and grime gather in places in my heart. It was subtle and it was gradual...kinda like the dust on my hardwood floors. Just like the process of cleaning my house this time around, a motivating factor lit a fire in my heart that there was work to do. This time however, the work isn't mine. Jesus is the one doing the cleaning. He's gently yet firmly revealing to me the places the dirt has settled and what kind of dirt it is. He's showing me how to face up to it and what is necessary to clean it up. Even after 2 days of this heart cleaning I'm amazed at how much cleaner and lighter things feel inside of me. Things are getting organized and put in their place...and it feels good. I'm starting to be able to breathe and let it out. I'm aware that Jesus isn't done heart cleaning. There's still some residual dust and dirt underneath some places in my heart that needs to be dealt with. But it's ever so worth the work to get everything back in the place God intended it.

Psalm 51 Thoughts and a Confession

2009-05-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

Have mercy on me , O God, for my selfishness.
According to Your steadfast love and abundant mercy blot out my self-consumption.
Wash me thoroughly from pride and cleanse me from my high and mighty thoughts of myself.
For I know how I think more of me than You, and this is ever before me.
Against You, You only have I caused pain and heartache.
Behold, I was brought forth in intolerance and impatience, and in unwarranted self-righteousness did my mother conceive me.
Behold, You delight when I own up and fess up, and I finally let Your wisdom sink in deep in my heart.
Purge my ugliness with Your infinite beauty and I shall be clean;
wash me with Your grace and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness in the freedom You've given me;
let the parts of me that have been broken from pride and self-seeking rejoice.
Hide Your face from my critical spirit and blot out all my tendencies to control things.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from the peace of Your presence, and take not the counsel of the Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation from myself and uphold me with a willing spirit to surrender to You.
Then I will teach other people who share my brokenness Your ways, and together we'll return to You.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation and my tongue will sing aloud of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips so that I will give credit where it's due and praise You.
For You will not delight in my ever-inadequate sacrifice, or I would give it;
You will not be pleased with my measly peace offering.
The sacrifice You cherish is my broken spirit;
my broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

God is with me.

2009-03-14T07:18:00.000-07:00

I just noticed that I've been a blogger for a little over a year now. It's interesting to think back to the journey that pushed me to start it, all the things I've blogged about and to look at where I am now. I'm pleasantly overwhelmed these days at God's goodness. Not goodness as defined by those who promote prosperity gospel type messages where everything is going my way and I'm walking down the street whistling a happy tune. Goodness in the sense that God is with me. Preparing to live in another country, being immersed in a culture counter-intuitive to who I am, walking through some deep spiritual battles (mine and others), returning home and trying to acclimate to changes that happened behind my back :)...none of this was easy. At least half of the time these things were downright painful. Yet, God was (and is) with me. He comforted me beyond what words can describe when my heart was lonely or breaking. He taught me. He spoke to me. He healed me. He was with me. He is with me. Can you wrap your head around the depth of this? Don't read this sentence in the simplicity of the 4 little words that comprise it. Read it in the light of your life, your struggles, your heartbreak, your victory, your pain, and your laughter. Repeat it to yourself and let it sink in. The more I repeat it to myself right now the more my heart appreciates the full message of it. Right now in my life I'm in a mixed phase. There's a vast amount of joy in my heart as I'm living in freedom in who I am in ways that I've NEVER had before. It's so beautiful. At the same time I'm walking in a place where a job that has created a family in my co-workers and a ministry I'm passionate about in treating my patients may be taken away from me. The thought of it has broken my heart yet God is reassuring me that He is with me. With that reassurance I'm able to continue enjoying the freedom while resting in His presence as He comforts and reassures that He's on it and has a plan. Do you have this? Are you able to walk in this peace and reassurance? He is with you. You may be walking through or have walked through things that make it hard to believe this but I'm asking you to take a risk and sit still. To really think about your life circumstances. You might suddenly see how He's been there. Or maybe you just need to take a risk to let Him be there and see what He does. I pray that you'll be able to rest in His presence in the end.

It's ugly, and a bit like a mini-sermon

2009-01-04T03:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I blogged anything. Mostly because I'm not a good "casual" blogger. I don't do a very good job taking the routine things of my life and making it interesting enough for the world to read. I feel like it has to be something deep. I recently realized I actually have tons to blog about since I've been processing and analyzing a lot as I continue to readjust to life in the USA. I just didn't want to write about it because some of it is a little ugly. Then I reminded myself of my blog name--bare naked truth. I've been holding back from living up to that title by not sharing the nitty gritty of some of my emotions these days. So ready or not, here it comes.

In a nutshell, I've been mad at God. Mostly because I've been lonely for the past few months. Or rather because I've been lonely and not feeling adequately comforted by Him. While I was in South Africa all (yes all--I'm not exaggerating) of my closest relationships changed. Not good for a person who invests deeply in a few relationships and doesn't tend to have multiple casual relationships to call on. Coincidentally, or maybe as a result?, my singleness has also been an issue. I've prided myself (oops) on how well I've handled my singleness over the past several years with a degree of contentment and by not putting my life on hold until it can be shared with a man. While I'm still not putting it on hold, I'm also not handling things like travelling with contentment (my solo 36 hour journey to Russia was downright painfully lonely at times). I've never felt the ache of singleness in this way. I don't even know how to approach it as I'm seemingly inconsolable by wise words from friends and currently pressing into God gets me only so far. Now, before you jump on the bandwagon of "God is your everything", "Keep pressing in", "press in harder", "He's teaching you something",etc. let me just say "Shut up". :) Just kidding...kinda ;) True as these words may be they're really not helpful. In fact, not only do I (and many others who go through this or any other pain for that matter) already know it but some of us are even already doing exactly what we need to do to "get through it". Yet we still hurt. Sometimes, I think the only answer is to just let it hurt. Yuck. As I write this I'm reminded of the night Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was obviously feeling the pain of His calling in those moments (In the ESV Matthew 26:38 and Luke 14:32 He says, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death." Ouch!). He even took a stab at getting out of it altogether. Mark 14:36 indicates He bluntly stated "Remove this cup from me" and then indicates He prayed it a 2nd time. Luke 22:43 says that an angel appeared to strengthen Him, but then v.44 follows with the statement that He was still in agony and prayed more earnestly so that His sweat became like drops of blood. Jesus was inconsolable too! I think anyone reading these verses would agree that Jesus was pressing into His heavenly Father (just like we all advise one another to do in hardship) yet He still hurt like crazy. When I add to that the reality that this life on earth is so incomplete and at times, well, crappy in comparison to the eternity we're created for it all of a sudden doesn't feel so strange that we would have pain that is inconsolable. There's still too much separation between what God meant for us when we were first created and what is during this life on earth. In light of that, it's not so shocking that we would all feel pain that won't go away quickly, easily or with the usual words of advice. As I think of all this I'm slightly comforted for the 1st time in a few months. Jesus, my great High Priest, gets my inconsolable pain. Hmmm...interesting. I'm not so mad any more. Still a little achy and I'm sure in later moments I'll be really achy, but not mad.

Music and Lyrics

2008-11-09T17:16:00.000-08:00

We stand and lift up our hands.

For the joy of the Lord is our strength.

We bow down, and worship Him now.

How great, how awesome is He.

------------------------------------------

Name above all names.

You are worthy of all praise.

My heart will sing how great is our God.

What's listed above are the lyrics to 2 songs I sang in 2 different churches this weekend. I've sung them both many times and, in all honesty, probably wasn't fully thinking about what I was singing. This time after I sang them I had some thoughts; especially for the first one listed above. As I listened to a man speak about his ministry to the homeless and forgotten in Toronto I began to wonder something. I began to wonder if the Christians who sing this song in very comfortable churches, with the temperature set just right, the padding on the chairs, good friends nearby and no fear of retaliation for worshipping God really understand what it means for the joy of the Lord to be their strength. Do we really understand how great and awesome God is when we're fully able to go out and make enough money not only to meet our own daily needs but also to pad ourselves in comfort and luxury? I have to wonder. I'm not saying that all Christians should intentionally go and sell everything they own, make themselves homeless and go to the point of starvation just to experience the full awesomeness of God and to get to the point where we really know the joy of the Lord as our strength. I do think we should do some heavy reassessing of whether or not the joy of the Lord is our strength at all; or if our job, family, relationship, and comforts are our strength. Reality is these things are temporary and not even promised. God could remove any one of these things at any time. Personally, I would rather be in a place where I cling to these things lightly and to God tightly so that if that happens my world won't shatter beneath me.

As for the second song lyrics my biggest wondering was how much we are singing that song with a truly worshipful attitude. I live in a country with full religious freedom. I should be joyfully singing at the top of my lungs that Jesus is the name above all names, worthy of all praise and great. Yet so often we sing those lyrics half-heartedly, with a tinge of boredom and just a breath away from a yawn. I wonder what it would look like if my pursuit of God, if my church's pursuit of God, if American Christian's pursuit of God became so full on that we saw God for all that He really is...I wonder how that would affect our passion in singing these lyrics. I sure hope I get to find it.

A friendly reality check

2008-10-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

My heart has been hearting a bit the past 2 weeks. It's not because of the high gas prices, the rising price of groceries, the bailout that didn't happen and then did, questions of where the economy is going or which president we will soon elect. None of those things at all actually. Rather my heart is hurting at everyone else's response to all of these things. There's so much talk about how everyone is fearful of the uncertainy of the future for America because of all the above listed circumstances. I'd like to invite you along for a friendly reality check. According to UNICEF 26,500-30,000 children die everyday due to poverty. And they're not doing it in America (maybe some but not most) but in a third world village which most of us try to ignore exists (after all if we know it exists we might just have to do something about it). UNICEF also numbers about a billion people that have entered the 21st century unable to read or write. In America the opportunity to learn these basic skills are there; we have just taken it completely for granted (by the way, the main reason people in 3rd world countries haven't learned these basic skills is because their income isn't going toward education but to that pesky thing called survival). The UN 2006 Human Development report points out that millions of women spend hours in a day collecting water (whereas in America we spend hours in a day wasting it). The number of children who died of AIDS in 2007 numbers 290,000 and mainly due to lack of funding to purchase the life saving anti-retrovirals. I'm only scratching the surface. I could give you enough stats to make this blog entry alone go on for pages. The reality is even with the somewhat shaky things that are occurring in the USA right now, very few (if anyone) reading this blog will have to worry about the things I just mentioned. My biggest fear is that in the midst of the disillusion about what "hard times" look like the people of this country who have the resources to make a change in the world will instead freeze up in unjustified fear and horde the very resources necessary to save a person's life. When I was in South Africa staring some ugly poverty in the face God presented a question to me that I'm now going to present to you: "Do I have a right to save for my future and therefore rob someone else of their now?". God has called us to love our neighbor (Matt 22:39), do unto the least of these (Matt 25:39-41), spend ourselves on behalf of the hungry, free the oppressed and captive, clothe the naked, and shelter the homeless (Isaiah 58). And He didn't say to do it only when it looked like the economy was swinging in your favor. He simply said to do it. And for those of you who are still scared, He also said that if you did these things you would call for help and He would answer, He would satisfy your needs, strengthen your frame, and make you like a well-watered garden and spring whose waters never fail (Isaiah 58:9,11). Bascially we have no excuses. So what are you going to do with your fear now? Are you going to choose to continue to respond in fear to the current circumstances of our country? Or are you going to choose to follow the directives of God and trust that He'll hold up His end of the bargain? Hmmm. I guess this wasn't such a friendly reality check after all. Then again, poverty has never been a friendly problem.

Wish I had words!

2008-09-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

Some days I really wish I wasn't a non-verbal introvert. Ok so maybe I'm not completely non-verbal but when it comes to things that I really care about or am passionate about I can't seem to come up with adequate words to describe or explain what I'm thinking or have experienced. For those of you who know me, I guess you can consider this your warning for how I may do trying to unpack my 5 months in South Africa. Especially if you simply ask me "How was your trip?". Honestly, asking me to adequately answer that question right now is like trying to kiss your own elbow...can't be done. However, unlike the issue of trying to kiss my own elbow:), I really do want to be able to somehow convey what I've seen, heard, experienced and learned from God as a result of my time away. I think I'm asking you to be patient. Don't lose interest if the only answer I give you to the above question is "intense". I promise there is really more to share. I have a couple suggestions for how you can help me through the "unpacking" process. The first is to check in on my blog. I'm much better at writing how I feel. Then you can ask questions or make comments related to what I've written. The second suggestion is to ask specific questions. Asking me the very broad and painfully general question of "How was your trip" only puts an ulcer in my stomach thinking of how I'm going to respond. Your patience and help in this is greatly appreciated!

I know I've not been good about posting on here since I got back but that's because I don't have internet access at home. I hope to change that soon which will increase the likelihood that I'll be able to blog more. Thanks!!

Don't stop reading!

2008-09-08T11:37:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to let you all know that even though I'm back from South Africa the blogging won't stop. I'm finding this a good way of sharing with people who don't live near me what God has shown me. I won't be able to put that in this post (still processing) but just wanted to encourage you to keep checking in. Comments are always appreciated:) Thanks for your support!

Love, Amber

Family

2008-08-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

So I'm down to my last 6 days here in South Africa. Half the time my mind has been spinning at how quickly time has gone by and the other half of the time my mind has been spinning at the knowledge of the beautiful friendships I have...old and new. I have old friends back home blessing me like crazy by making sure my house is clean and put together. I have new friends here who have treated me like family and encouraged me greatly through lots of struggles, and who have blessed me with their words regarding how God used me. It seems as if one of the big things God wanted to open my eyes to this year is the beauty of the body of Christ. When I first came to Indianapolis 8 years ago I was the type of person to sway towards fierce independence and even isolation. Nobody needed to help me with anything because if I let someone in on my deal they'll certainly mess it up. I'm so glad God hasn't let me get away with that way of living and thinking for too long. I definitely wouldn't have survived here in that mindset! Truth of the matter is the body of Christ is vital. We are in need of each other to laugh with, cry on, talk to (or verbally process if you're some of my friends;) ), build up, push forward, rebuke and discipline, break before, learn from and even depend on. I have been meeting a lot of people lately who have been expressing their deep love for the Church. In the recent past I've been a skeptic. After all, the Church is made up of a bunch of humans so how good can it really be? But I'm starting to fall in love as well. There's too much evidence of how my family in God has been necessary these past 5 months for me to deny that I need them.

Can I also share with you my heart in this? Though I'm not as skeptical now my heart does still hurt a bit. I mean, it's beautiful that people have been loving me so well but I'm also painfully aware that there are many in this world in desperate need of the same love and yet are still walking this life very much alone. I've blogged before about how there are enough financial resources for us all to take care of one another. God has been reinforcing to me lately that there are enough emotional resources for us to take care of one another as well. Can I ask you to just search your heart and your neighborhood for how you can be an emotional resource for someone? Maybe even be open to the possibility that God wants to move your neighborhood to another country to love on someone who otherwise would walk this life alone?

Just around the bend.

2008-08-25T00:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend I visited with a couple who run an organization that LSA supports (Metro Ministries). I was actually spending time checking out the other organization they run called Project O. I'll get into more detail about the experience in another blog. There was something that struck me as we were riding in 4-wheelers to an out of the way part of the township. We were riding up a decently steep hill and I could see that at the top of the hill we would have to go around a bend in the road. Something told me that once we got around the bend there would be a breathtaking view on the other side. I wasn't disappointed. I was treated with a view of a beautiful valley, rolling hills and a dam. As I took it all in God spoke, as He often does to us when we're in the midst of His creation. I realized that this 45 second part of our drive and the view on the other side is quite representative of the past 5 months and the months to come. A lot of the time I've been here the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual demands have been similar to the work that goes into climbing up a hill...the process is sometimes slow, it gets tiring, seems never ending and at times you just want to stop altogether and be done with it. However, when you think about all the work you've done to get where you are, the thought of going back down doesn't seem acceptable either. So you keep plugging away and God is gracious to encourage you that there's something special at the end of the journey. As I'm winding down my stay (I'll be leaving South Africa exactly 1 week from today) I'm finding myself getting to the top of this hill. Thing is, the view isn't quite in site. I'm now approaching the bend. I'm not really sure what's around the bend but everything in me (meaning all the knowledge and evidence I have of a faithful God) tells me there's something beautiful coming. How ridiculous would it be to get to the top of the hill and stand at the beginning of the bend without at least peaking around the corner to see what surprises God has? I find this exciting (Ang, Katy, Melissa, Kelly, Amy and Elizabeth...you have full permission to remind me I wrote this when I start whining about how I don't know what I'm supposed to do next!). Dear reader, I don't know where you are on your journey. Maybe you're laboring up the hill...my encouragement is keep working and moving forward for God never fails to give us the strength and grace we need to get to the top. If you're just now approaching the bend...GO FOR IT! Tear around that corner with wreckless abandon to see what He has in store on the other side. And if you've already gone around the bend and are now taking in that breathtaking scene then take some time to just be in that sweet spot in His plan and be quick to glorify the One who always has beautiful things in store, just around the bend.

Grabbing on...

2008-08-08T04:18:00.000-07:00

In my time here in South Africa God has given me some opportunities to build deep relationships with some beautiful women. He's also given me the opportunity to walk with them through some tough stuff (and using the word "tough" is a major understatement by the way). It's been frustrating at times. I'll think some major ground is being won and a breakthrough has occurred, and next thing I know it I'm seeing them take steps backwards. Sometimes the moving back is a direct result of their own choice to not do what it takes to get to a place of healing. I'll then wonder if any progress has been made, if maybe I've tricked myself into believing they ever moved forward. It can be quite frustrating and emotionally exhausting. Last night one of these ladies (who is going to make a major impact on the world around her once she is through her healing process) came to me to chat just a bit. She mentioned something that she's struggled with for years related to some scars from the past. We chatted a bit about how she can deal with that and how she can use the authority she has as a child of God to fight what the enemy is trying to do to her. Today I was thinking about that conversation again and I had a new glimmer of hope. Yes, the process most of these women are in toward healing is long, tedious and exhausting. Yes, it involves taking steps backward at times. At the same time, I felt God revealing to me that sometimes all any of us can do is grab on to even the smallest hope, the tiniest step forward, the most minute desire to be healed and over it. I began to see that even though these women have at times chosen to move backwards, there's still a part of them that's grabbing on to even the little bit of ground they've gained. So I've decided to grab on with them. I'm going to grab on to even the smallest signs that their desire is to be done with it and free to live the life that God really has for them. Because the reality is, someday they won't be merely grabbing on and holding on for dear life to what little they can. Someday they'll be taking great strides forward, conquering their fears and struggles, and leaving little bits of hope in their path for someone else to grab onto as they begin they're own healing process.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10 AMEN!!

P.S.The photos of the women at the top are not meant to be connected with the women I referred to in this blog. I just wanted you to see more of the beautiful women God has placed in my life the past 4 months.

Shout Out

2008-07-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

I just spent the evening with some amazing women. These women have overcome the toughest of life circumstances. They've endured things and situations that would make most people crumble in fear or lose hope. I can honestly say that they have a resilience that is inspiring. It springs from their faith that there is a God that loves them and has a plan for them. Even though they may have their moments of wondering how a loving God could've been present in the midst of some traumatic things, they choose to believe that He is the reason they have made it this far. They've seen evidence of His healing in their lives and that He has empowered them to use their trials to help those around them. Add to that they are all at least 3-5 years younger than me. I can't wait to see how much more amazing they are in another 3-5 years. They are truly going to be used to change the world around them.

Hope

2008-07-03T00:32:00.001-07:00

I just returned from a long weekend in the beautiful Drakensberg Mountains. Words can't express the beauty of this place so I've included a couple pictures. That's really not what this blog is about. This entry is about an encounter I had with one of the guests where I stayed. I stayed at a small guesthouse called the Antbear. It takes on about 10-12 guests at a time. All the guests eat together with the owners for breakfast and supper. This allows for some great conversations among the guests. One evening I was discussing with a newly arrived guest why I was here in South Africa and what I was doing. She had been to Africa before and seemed to have an idea of some of the cultural norms. She was asking me questions about the amount of violence here as well as if I thought people who attended the life skills courses WCA does really left changed. She made some comments about how people will hear things similar to what is taught in the WCA life skills courses but end up going back to life as usual when it's all said and done. As I look back I'm mortified to find that I agreed with her. Later that evening as I got ready for bed God spoke. He reminded me that He didn't send His Son Jesus to this earth to preach a message of hopelessness. Likewise, He didn't send me to South Africa to preach a message of hopelessness. After all, I've encountered so many of the staff at WCA who started out on a dead-end journey but now live changed lives that are marked with freedom and opportunity. They have been touched by God and are changing the generational norms that their families have held for so long. I know that I was too easily swayed by this woman's negativity. Too many in the world today view problems with skepticism. There's enough of that going around that it's time for those of us who know that there is hope to start getting more vocal. Yes, we live in a world with tough issues and people who are struggling and hurting. However, there are many of us that have been blessed financially, emotionally and even spiritually. We can all be used in many different ways to be the hope that many need as they walk through their struggles and trials. If you're wanting to know how you can be a messenger of hope I encourage you to check out the website for Loving South Africa (http://www.lovingsa.org/). They partner with many organizations here in South Africa that are light in the darkness and hope to those living here. You can be part of that quite easily. I'd like to leave you with a verse that I hope will encourage you as it has me.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

The Choice

2008-06-19T22:46:00.001-07:00

It's been a rough week or 2. I'm in the midst of some heavy hand to hand combat against some of my own personal demons. Things that have been a struggle for me since I was 16. So you can imagine that the battle isn't going to be an easy one. The problem is, these past 2 weeks I've been so consummed with the struggle that I've really let my emotions get the better of me. This has caused me to be not the most pleasant person to be around since when I'm really wrestling with something I withdraw, and if someone interrupts the reflection or withdrawing I don't always respond well. So as I talked with God this morning He pointed out how much I've missed out on with Him and where I'm serving because of this. The eye opener came as I was reading Psalm 54. Verse 7 says "For He has delivered me from all my troubles, and my eyes have looked in triumph on my enemies." God showed me that it was time that I start approaching this personal battle with the mindset that I will have triumph over this particular enemy. Joshua 24:15 also came to mind: "...choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...". God is laying before me a choice. I can either choose to serve my emotions, discouragement and the struggle; or I can choose to serve the God who triumphs over all things and brings victory in the face of what at times looks like defeat. I must choose to serve either what is or the One who will make it what it can be (if that makes sense). So I'm going into this day making a choice. I know tomorrow or even later today the choice may be a bit harder to make since my emotions have never been an easy thing for me to have victory over, but I will make that choice to trust the One who triumphs nonetheless.

Prayers of the Righteous

2008-06-03T23:04:00.001-07:00

I apologize that I've been a bit absent lately on posting something that relates to what I've been doing here at WCA. A big reason is there has been some heavy stuff going on here and I didn't quite know how to summarize so as to protect the privacy of those involved and prevent it from being 3 pages long! I still haven't completely decided how to do that so I guess we'll see how this goes:)

So basically the last couple weeks of May were quite bumpy. It's probably safest just to say that there's been a lot of heavy spiritual warfare going on here. I'm choosing to leave out all specifics, except to say God was leading me to fight alongside someone here going through some tough things. In some ways the spiritual warfare has been heavier than what I've ever had to deal with in a situation regarding another person. As I walked through some rough days God reminded me of the story of when the Israelites fought the Amalekites (Exodous 17:8-15). He showed me that my friend was Joshua doing the hand-to-hand combat against their own personal enemy (or the enemy). He then showed me that He had placed me in the part of Moses. Israel's success against the Amalekites was tightly linked to Moses holding his hands up. If his hands stayed up they were winning, if they started to go down they were losing. As my friend at times was too weak to fight the battles on their own, God called me to hold my hands up to Him in prayer for them. When I prayed prayers of boldness and authority my friend had the strength and endurance to continue to persevere against the enemy. The thing is, I'm human. Just as Moses got tired and started lowering his arms, there were times when I'd been in the thick of the battle for so long that my spirit started to get a tired as well. My thoughts would get distracted or I would flat out want to turn off my brain and emotions. That's when God showed me that those of you praying on behalf of me, LSA, and WCA represent Aaron and Hur. Aaron and Hur were side-by-side with Moses holding up his arms for him as he got tired. You all were side-by-side with me in prayer as my spirit got tired. The family of God is so tightly and intimately intertwined with one another. My friend couldn't fight on her own and needed me. My spirit got tired (or I was just plain clueless of what to do next!) and I needed you and the prayers you prayed. The problem is most of us don't realize how integral we are in one another's battles. We think that because we're not the one directly involved in the situation or even because we're on the other side of the world from the situation that there's nothing we can do. May I encourage you to stop downplaying your role in the world? There are heavy battles going on in the world we live in. Men and women are experiencing trauma and struggles that I pray to God you will never have to endure. Your strength, refreshed spirit and spiritual resources are not for nothing. They have power and they provide you with a very necessary role of standing in the gap. Won't you be diligent to seeking out how you can be part of someone else's fight? It's time to start believing James 5:16 to the fullest..."The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

God celebrates me!

2008-05-28T00:11:00.000-07:00

It's only 9am and already I've had such a great birthday experience. That's right, another year older today. Guess I need to change my profile:( As I had time with God this morning I recited Psalm 139. I was moved in a new way that the glorious, holy, majestic, righteous, infinitely loving, timeless and sovereign God that created all things was celebrating with me the day that marks the beginning of my existence on earth. I'm in awe of that reality today. What a beautiful thing. I hope I can continue to make this thought more of a reality in the lives of those God brings across my path for however long I'm here!

I'll let the Word do all the talking...

2008-05-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the Lord your God is giving you, do not be hard hearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother. Rather be openhanded and freely lend him whatever he needs. Be careful not to harbor this wicked thought: "The seventh year, the year for canceling debts, is near", so that you do not show ill will toward your needy brother and give him nothing. He may then appeal to the Lord against you, and you will be found guilty of sin. Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.

Deuteronomy 15:7-11

Opposites

2008-05-18T03:46:00.000-07:00

The Amber of Africa is living in a totally opposite world from the Amber in the USA. Let's start with how I wake up and go to sleep. That would be with 7 other girls in a bunk packed room. Stark contrast from my rather large bedroom back home that sleeps just me. Here, immediately hit with people interaction. Home, well I'll just let my co-workers tell you what it's like to encounter me at the very beginning of the day (my profuse apologies and gratitude for your patience Wiz rehab department). Here, most of the time I leave here only if someone is leaving as well (though this is improving). Home, I leave whenever I want. Here, I love running on hills! Home, avoid hills at all cost. Here, dependent on others for going out and getting around, to go for a run and for what I eat. Home, eat and run whenever I want. Here, I must hide to have my quiet time. Home, I can go just about anywhere and find a place to get uninterrupted quiet (or alone time). I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A CAT! Enough said.

Am I the problem or the solution?

2008-05-11T06:23:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I visited a children's village (or orphanage) in a more rural part of where I'm staying. The building is rather small and has a total of 4 rooms: 2 bedrooms, a livingroom, and a kitchen. The kitchen has broken down cabinets and large bags of bread sit on the floor since there's no storage space. There's no bathroom or bathing area--the one toilet in the house is actually in the middle of the kitchen. There's one bedroom for girls where 8 girls sleep in 4 beds. The boys bedroom is even more cramped with 4 sets of bunks stacked 3 high, 2 boys to a bunk for a total of 24 boys in one tiny room. 32 kids (plus adults) squished into one tiny house. Some of the windows in the house have holes in the glass which is problematic for the coming winter and the cold nights it will bring. The roof leaks in multiple places, rats run freely, and there's no running water. My encounter with this place left my heart broken and quite convicted. The greatest conviction came in the knowledge that each of the needs I saw in this house could be easily met with the great deal of resources available in the USA. A larger house with more room and the proper utilities could be built with little to no sacrifice on the part of any one person. These kids could get clean water daily as well as all the food they need without most people I know (including myself) even feeling much of a change in their lifestyle. Yet what happens? We get caught up in buying a bigger this or more up to date that, we HAVE to try out that new restaurant up the street at $15+ a person, and don't even get me started on what we shell out to see a movie in the theater. All the while these 32 kids are living in below acceptable conditions. If one of these children were one of our own or if it was a grandchild, niece or nephew or little cousin, would we consider this an acceptable way for them to live? Would we not sacrifice or rethink where our money went? So why should it be different just because it's a child whose face we've never seen with a name we've never heard? I realize I'm asking harsh questions and implying some bold things. I'm feeling the full weight of how what I've seen is going to affect how I live my life (and since I'm proclaiming it to the world I'm openning myself to some accountability...whether I want it or not:) ). I'm inviting you to explore your wallet as I explore mine. I'm asking you to ask questions with me: Do I really need _________? Is it worth my money to eat out again this week (or month) when I could be investing it in a place of extreme need? How can I be reinvesting what I have to make a longer term impact instead of using it for the temporary pleasure of dinner and a movie? I by no means have this figured out when it comes to what's ok for me to spend my money on and what's extraneous. I just know that a majority of the time I spend my money on temporary things while others suffer. I know that I can't think back to what I've seen since I've been here and not consider I need to change and seek to be part of the solution. I welcome your thoughts, suggestions, comments and/or criticism on this topic!

No More Excuses

2008-05-08T13:34:00.000-07:00

When we think of extraordinary people our minds usually turn to people like Mother Theresa, Ghandi, and Nelson Mandela. As we think of these people we tend to focus on the sacrifical lives they lived or their profound words of wisdom, and how gifted they were in touching the lives of many people. I don't know about you, but the next thought that usually follows for me is something on the line of, "Wow. I'm glad they had (or have) the gifts and abilities to serve people in this way because I don't have what it takes to do that." That last thought is pretty much a cop-out and excuse to keep living my same comfortable life. It's also an excuse that has been completely killed with an introduction to the life of a man named Sifiso. Sifiso lives in a rural area of a township called KwaNyuswa (about 15 minutes from where I'm staying). He lives in 1 room of an unfinished house that has dirt floors and glassless windows. He's been working on it since the 1990s. Is he lazy? What's he doing with his time anyway? (yes, those questions were a set-up:) ). Glad you asked. Seems his days are actually quite busy and focused on feeding the children in his community. He estimates that he feeds 300 children a day. For many of these kids the meal they get from him will be the only one that day. Some days he is unsure if he or the children will eat anything at all. By the way, did I mention that Sifiso is only 23 years old? I don't know about you but this fact both astonished and touched me deeply. This young man has the potential to further his education, work a good job and live a more comfortable life. Yet he forgoes finishing his own house to make sure the children in his community get a meal. He would rather make plans on how to expand his outreach and empower the small businesses of the women in his community than figure out how to buy the latest technology or trendy clothes. When asked why he's chosen this way of living his answer is clear: "When I feed these children I'm serving Jesus. It's the only way to live and I'll do it for the rest of my life." After meeting this man and seeing how he's chosen to live his life I had a realization. If such a young man can sacrifice his own desires to serve thouse around him in such a simple yet vital way, then I have no excuse. I don't have to aspire to the level of Mother Theresa or Ghandi. I just have to be willing to sacrifice my desire for extreme and usually unnecessary comfort to allow others around me to have their most basic of daily needs met. I can only encourage you to examine your lives with me and be willing to ask the painful question, "Am I willing to continue allowing others around me to suffer so I can live the life I want?".

Graves of the Forgotten

2008-04-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday I was at Makaphutu. That's the children's village (or orphanage) that I stayed at when I came to South Africa in November. As I walked into the house we stayed in I experienced that wonderful nostalgia that you get when you're encountering something tangible that represents good memories. Kind of like when you smell a shampoo that your mother used to use on you when she gave you a bath and you quickly remember the warmth, protection and love you felt when you were little. Unfortunately there was also a not so pleasant memory I experienced on that visit as well. You see, about a quarter of a mile away on a hill (and in line of sight of Makaphutu) sits a house. In the front yard of this house is a grave site. To the naked eye it's just a bunch of mounds of dirt used to cover the dead. The story behind it is far worse. The reality is within each grave lies multiple bodies (10, 20, 30?) of those who represent the forgotten. Human beings who died alone, left this life unclaimed, and then were carelessly dumped in a hole so as to be "properly" disposed of. No individual burial site to indicate that a unique human being rested there. No grave marker to show this person had their own identity. No one to mourn them or the life experiences they did not live long enough to enjoy. During this visit to Makaphutu there was a delivery of bodies which included children. I can't help but weep at the fact that these who are supposed to be outside playing carelessly, enjoying the deepest of belly laughs that only kids can experience, and daydreaming the impossible were at that moment being dumped in a grave with not a single parent to stand there and grieve over their loss. It's just not fair. What's even more unfair is the diseases that caused their deaths were likely treatable but the financial resources just weren't there to give them what they needed. There's nothing so inexcusable as the end of life that could've been very easily prevented. It's hard for me to convey with words just how heartbreaking this is to me. I hope you can at least get a picture of the tragedy this grave site represents and allow yourself to weep as well.

Bonus

2008-04-15T12:43:00.000-07:00

Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

Hebrews 13:3

What were you doing?

2008-04-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

At 6am this morning (well, 6am if you live in Indiana) while you were sleeping, the people you see in this picture were standing in a long line in the sun, hoping that what awaited at the other end would lead to a job. Not a career that would bring about passion, excitement to get up in the morning and the means to fulfill at least some of the other passions we have in life. Simply a job that would provide them a means for living for 5 weeks and maybe a bit beyond. World Changers has spent the past several days assisting a staffing agency with filling a recent mass number of job openings. Today we were at the agency helping to get people registered in order to make the process easier for the staffing agency that will actually place them. This involved standing in the sun for hours handing out forms and educating those who didn't know on what World Changers is all about. At the beginning of our time there, when I was realizing just what a hot day it was going to be I started complaining a bit in my head. "This is going to be a long day in the hot sun. I'm going to be so burned." Then I got a nice little reminder from God. All these people were going to have to suffer in the sun so they could get a job. Why did I think I was above suffering with them? After all, when Isaiah 58 calls me to "loose the chains of injustice...set the oppressed free...and to satisfy the needs of the oppressed", it doesn't add the caveat "And ye shall work for the unjustly treated and oppressed but only to the extent that you would like to suffer. Thou shalt feel free to quit the work when ye are getting a bit too uncomfortable". That made a huge difference in my attitude for the day. God, help it to stick.

Joy comes in the morning...

2008-04-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

I wish I could put into words the loveliness and peace of this morning. Last night it rained. It was the first big rain since I arrived. Nothing unremarkable, just your typical downpour and then a steady rainfall. Yet as I sat outside this morning, it felt as if something was different compared to other mornings. Somehow things look greener. There was a soft breeze and a nice stillness broken only by the sounds of the birds. Even those sounds seem to have a calm about them. Everything seems refreshed. It's as if all creation senses the change, and with the refreshment a restful calm has settled on everything. It brings such calm to my own spirit this morning. With the ache I felt deep in my spirit yesterday as I struggled with something, it's almost as if God sent His own refreshing rain to wash away the build-up of sadness, false thoughts and insecurities so I could once again get to the surface where His presence and deep love can be seen and felt again. The only possible outcome of this can be peace and rest. Thank You God.

All in how you see things.

2008-04-08T23:01:00.001-07:00

This is Fortune. He works at World Changers and will be facilitating life skills courses in the townships. I had a great conversation with him ast night about where he's come from and where he's going. He told me that he used to be heavily into gambling (by playing pool) and at some point began seeing that the life he was living was quite fruitless and without purpose. Then he attended a World Changers life skills course and later the leadership course and his suspicions were confirmed. He realized that God had more of a purpose for him than gambling to make a living. Now Fortune wants to be able to help others see they have a purpose as well. In particular he hopes to work with people with diabilities. As he talked about this vision of his, he said something that struck me. He said, "There is more than just physical disability. Everyone has some kind of a disability. There's something wrong inside all of us." I decided to find an official definition for the word disability. There were multiple definitions I chose 2. The first says this: state of being disabled; deprivation or want of ability; absence of competent physical, intellectual, or moral power, means, fitness, and the like. Another definition states: A disadvantage or deficiency...that interferes with or prevents normal achievement in a particular area. What I liked about this definition is that it mentioned "moral power". I couldn't agree more with Fortune that each one of us has some sort of diability within ourselves that interferes with or prevents normal achievement in a particular area of our lives. That could mean a person is unable to achieve all their goals at their job because of absence of mental or physical competency, or that they're unable to achieve peace in their lives because of a disadvantage of a bad life experience such as abuse. I also strongly believe that the only One who is able to turn our diability into ability is God. Over the past few years I've seen God take my own diability of depression (and some of the bad decisions that played a role in it) and turn it into the ability to encouarge others as they walk through depression. It's taught me how beautiful God is as a redeemer. Fortune views his life in this way as well. I love it. I know God is going to use him to be a great encouragement to many!

P.S.Yes, I know the picture is sideways but what would seem like an easy thing to fix really wasn't because Africa is messing with my computer a bit. So, just pretend like you're cocking your head as if you're confused and you'll be able to see it better:)

2008-04-05T13:33:00.001-07:00

Ever wonder where "the middle of nowhere" or "the end of the road" are? Well, I found out tonight. They're both in South Africa!

The Ugly Side

2008-04-05T01:27:00.000-07:00

Being in an unfamiliar situation where you're forced out of your comfort zone can sure bring some ugly things out of a person. I have only one day under my belt and already I've seen something gross coming out. I hesitated to even blog about this but as my blog site is named "Bare Naked Truth" I didn't want to be a hypocrite or picky on what things I allowed myself to be "naked" about. So here goes. I'm seeing that I'm a very territorial person. (Right now my co-worker who used to be my desk neighbor is laughing as she reads this. She's seen some lovely, subconscious actions that show this trait in me.) Here's the situation that brought it out. I'd only been at WCA for about an hour and already someone was asking to borrow my camera. My first reaction "I don't know them. What if they're careless and break it?" I fought this instinct and let them borrow it, my insides curling as I watched them carry it away, out of my line of protective sight. Not long after I ended up where my camera had been taken. As I saw others using it and taking pictures the 4 year old inside of me screamed "That's mine!". Luckily the Holy Spirit is inside of me and was bringing conviction to these thoughts and I kept my thoughts to myself. This little lesson has made it abundantly clear that there's some grip loosening that needs to happen in the area of what I own. In reality, it's all God's anyway and I'm just borrowing it for a while. Who am I to not share what God has blessed me with? This issue of being territorial along with materialism is one that those of us in the USA (or any first world country) struggle heavily with. I'm seeing more and more what an oppressive thing this is. I'm grateful for this opportunity God is giving me to learn to loosen my grip on the things of this world that are temporary.

Arriving

2008-04-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

Things I love about travelling:
1)Empty seats next to you on the plane to stretch out and sleep.
2)Tylenol PM
3)Enough movies to watch to last you 3 plane trips from D.C. to Jo-burg
4)Meeting new people.
5)Weather that's more amazing and beautiful than where you left (let's just say sunny, no clouds in the skies and 70s for temps...sorry Indy people)

Things I fear:
1)Not being able to communicate clearly enough to those you need help from.
2)Beating your luggage to your destination.

Yep, I'm currently living off of the things in my carry-on which is not a lot. Luckily I'm in an area where I can buy anything I need but I hate the thought of having to buy things I know I already own. It's things like this that teach me how to handle the inconveniences of life. There's a good chance there will be a lot of those in the coming days and weeks so I guess it's good to learn early on how to handle them. I'm hoping for a new handle on this by the time I return to Indy.

Tomorrow I will be at World Changers, which is where I'll be staying over the next 5 months. I look forward to getting acquainted with my surroundings and the people I'll be sharing life with. Stay tuned for more updates...

Weeping and Rejoicing

2008-03-13T14:36:00.000-07:00

"I started the work weeping, I finished rejoicing."

(Written on a Babylonian cornerstone.)

I love this quote. I feel that it's a summary of the past few years of my journey. Due to some choices, events, life circumstances, etc. I went through quite a struggle starting 3 years ago. As I went through that time there was most certainly a great deal of weeping, and plenty of times when I wondered if there would be a day my face wouldn't feel the warmth of salty tears. But, as Psalm 30:5 says "...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." I started the work of refinement, analyzing decisions I'd made, and repenting of times I tried to step in the way of what God was doing with weeping. I finished that work rejoicing in God's faithfulness to walk with me; marvelling at His redemption of all the bad decisions I'd made; resting in His love of the person He created me to be (and not the person I sometimes fear people see). Last week in church Bill (our missions pastor) made the comment that God not only restores those things within us that are broken, He makes them better than they were before they were ever broken in the first place. I thought about that statement in light of my life and I'm so grateful to see the truth in it. I'm so grateful to see the weeping turn to rejoicing!

The Blue Funk

2008-02-26T09:08:00.001-08:00

Ever try to find a way to describe what you're feeling when you're depressed? Not always easy to do. I decided to go to a thesaurus and see what the synonyms for depression are. Despite the heaviness of this term some of the words were actually a little amusing. Here are some of them that made me smile...blahs, blowout, ennui (that's for you Cheryl), lugubriosity (who talks like this??), melancholia, vapors and (my favorite) blue funk. As much as I like the creativity of these terms they really don't describe how I personally feel when I'm depressed. Words or phrases that fit me are more in the lines of heavy, weary, mentally and emotionally exhausted, just trying to get through the day, under a cloud, not myself. The last one especially sums up what I'm thinking about how I feel. You may be asking why the gloomy choice of topic. Mostly because it's a very real struggle that God and I are walking through, but also because I know so many around me that are walking through it as well. I recently cried out to God about why this continued to be a struggle for me when I feel like I do all I can to submit my thoughts and emotions to Him. While I don't feel I've gotten a full answer on this I do know that in the depression have been some valuable lessons about my faith. I don't believe God means to allow me to walk through depression forever just so I will be humbled. I do believe that this struggle and how I handle the lows says a lot about my faith in Him. If I let the low moments take me to a place where all of a sudden God isn't so good after all and how dare He let me continue to go through this, then is it really faith in the first place? I would rather use this time to come to a place where I choose to believe that God is God of the highs and the lows; that all the junk I feel in those moments does not all of a sudden negate His goodness and faithfulness to me in the past; that there's continued purpose in the pain; and most of all that there will one day be freedom from it.

Freedom or Oppression...

2008-02-17T21:27:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes we stay in the known oppression because we're afraid of the unknown freedom."
This is a statement my pastor made in church this morning that really got my wheels turning. Well, it's pretty close to what he said anyway. As I go through this process of putting my life on hold for the next 5 months I see how I fit in with that statement. For the past couple years I've been very restless in my spirit. Though I love my job I've sensed that a bit of change from it might be beneficial. A few years ago if you told me I'd be leaving Indy and my church for this length of time I'd say "No thanks, I'm just fine where I'm at." Yet during this period of restlessness I've found that I'm actually just fine with leaving these places I love for a little while. Up until the past couple weeks that is. As exciting as it is to go on this adventure, as amazing as the opportunity to work with an organization with men and women who love the Lord and want to serve those who are broken and hurting, and as much as I'm anticipating the beautiful relationships I'll get to build there's a part of me that wants to stay in the places that not long ago I was ready to leave. Why? Because putting the life you've known for 8 years on hold is challenging. Doing what God calls you to do is not about to go without resistance. It's just not easy. Yet do I really want to stay in the oppression of restlessness and miss out on the freedom of the plan God has for me for this year? In my rational moments that's an easy question to answer. The trick is committing to it in my not so rational moments. God and His plans are worthy of my commitment regardless of how I'm feeling.