Musings of a Stay at Home Mom

I just want to put a bit of a disclaimer on this post.  Due to the pregnancy losses I've experienced and the many families I know who struggle with loss or infertility, I'm super sensitive to how what might sound like complaining about parenthood comes off to someone longing for the treasured title of "Mom" or "Dad".  So I'm just going to give a forewarning that what you might read in this post could very well sound like complaining about something that I'm deeply aware is a gift.  My intent is simply to vent out my struggles as a stay at home mom, in no small part with the hope that some seasoned Mamas out there might be able to give some advice on how to cope!  If infertility or pregnancy loss is your story and you're sensitive to hearing other parents "complain" (for lack of a better word) about their struggles I encourage you to skip reading this.  Know that I see and, in some situations feel, your pain and have absolutely no desire to give the impression that I take for granted the gift God has given me in being a Mom.

That being said, oh my gosh parenting is freaking hard!  I never realized how schizophrenic I could feel in a given day until becoming a Mom, and more specifically becoming a Mom of 2 (I'm convinced that anyone who has more than 2 children has completely lost it. How on earth did you talk yourself into a 3rd or even 4th child?!).  If you have one and are planning on another, just know that #2 will make you feel like you've hopped on the express train to Crazy Town.  I don't care how good or easy #2 is, the ticket that baby comes out holding still says "express" and "Crazy Town" on it.      I spend my days alternately feeling in love with my sweet toddler who amazes me at who he is becoming, and wanting to pull my hair out because he's losing his cookies over getting a drop of water somewhere on the pajamas (which he refuses to get out of) for the umpteenth time that day.  Don't even get me started on my inability to convince him that said drop of water will in fact dry quickly so there's no need to change for the umpteenth time.  (Oh my gosh, just writing about it makes me want to pull out a chunk of hair.)  And I promise you I never thought I could possibly be mad at a baby.  A baby, ya'll.  In my defense, even though she's only 11 months, she can throw a tantrum like a toddler that includes a scream that will make your toes curl.  As a stay at home mom, I cycle through these emotions of immense love and irritation so many times in a day, by the end of it I'm not sure if I'm ready for my kiddos to go to bed or if I want to spend a couple hours holding my baby girl or watching my 3 year while they sleep.  One moment I can't wait until the day when they're in school all day and the next I'm tearing up at the thought of how fast it is all going.

I mean, what is this craziness of stay at home mommy-hood?!  I'll tell you what it is--sanctification.  Here I always thought God was just all about procreation, being fruitful and multiplying, filling the earth and all that when in reality He knew these small humans would hurl us into the process of sanctification faster than you can say "please stop screaming about the water on your PJs!".  In the last 3 years I have never been more deeply aware of my propensity to anger, control issues, and incredible impatience when said control is being challenged.  And if you're a parent who cares about being a good parent, it's simply not enough to realize your weaknesses.  It's vital that those issues be dealt with lest you hurt the hearts of those small souls in your care.  That challenge to change is also more intense than at any other time in my life.  My struggle is, being with your kiddos all day, every day causes a whole lot of emotional fatigue which makes it really hard, in the moment, to think "Ah, I see this small child is triggering my control and anger issues.  I must prayerfully pause now so that I don't start yelling like a mad woman".  I long to be able to do that but my overstimulated soul tends to lose its will by the end of the day.

Thankfully, God continues to lavish His grace on me as I stumble through this season of being a Mama to young children.  He has taught me how to humble myself with these little humans, to be real about my faults, and to ask forgiveness from the very beings whose actions have tossed me in the throes of my own sin.  I pray that this is laying a solid foundation for them to also learn to be real about their faults, ask forgiveness of those they hurt with their sins and that going to Jesus to change them is vital.   Maybe all these schizophrenic reactions will, by the grace of God,  lead to good after all.

What must I do?

 I've been doing some in-depth study of the book of Mark for the past few months or so. This is a gospel that has many chapters and passages that I've read through multiple times since I was a little girl in Sunday School, yet I'm still finding lessons in it that are so applicable to my life today it's as if they were just written or I was reading them for the first time. That's the amazing thing about the Bible. It's lessons just never. get. old. Anyway, that's a sidenote of this blog. Today I read in Mark 10. In this chapter (vv17-22) is what's known as the parable of the rich young ruler. To summarize a young man approaches Jesus and asks Him, "What must I do to inherit eternal life?". Jesus begins by telling him to follow the commandments, which the young man promptly responds that he's done since he was knee high to a grasshopper (ok maybe not those exact words). I imagine this young man giving himself a mental high five that he's already been doing what he needs to do to live eternally. Jesus wasn't done yet. He goes on to tell this young man that there's something he hasn't been doing, at which point I imagine the young man's face falling and maybe his palms starting to sweat a bit. If he felt some anxiety in that split second before Jesus revealed what he was lacking it wasn't unfounded, for Jesus was basically about to ask of him all that he had. Literally--" '... go and sell all you possess and give to the poor... and come, follow Me.' But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property" (vv21-22). As I was meditating on this passage God reminded me that this young man had asked how he could secure for himself eternal life. I would consider that maybe the biggest existential question anyone could ask. This man felt he had found the one Person who could answer that question (and rightly so). Yet when he heard the answer he actually rejected it.  Y'all, REJECTED it. As in Jesus told him how to live forever and he turned it down because he was too rich.  I'm stunned at the audacity of this young man to turn away from his Saviour for temporary riches. After all, he seemed so genuine in the asking of his question, and even Jesus seemed taken with him (the text mentions that Jesus felt "a love for him ". That's mentioned right before Jesus gives him the bombshell answer that shook him.). If I were to be honest I have to admit my first reaction was to judge the man for choosing the temporary over the eternal. However, in my experience God doesn't let me get away with judging anyone for too long, even if it is a man in a story in the Bible. Instead He turns the tables (Ya know, the whole "if you point one finger at someone else you've got 5 pointing back at you" sort of thing) and begins prodding me to search my own spirit for how I may be like the one I've judged. I found God asking me how many times a day I chose my own agenda over that of His kingdom. How many times a day does He ask me to participate in the eternal work of His kingdom in being a representation of His Son to someone else and I opt for the very temporary activities of life (and that can be anything from taking a nap instead of making a phone call to someone needing encouragement to scrolling through Facebook in a few spare minutes that I could be praying; and that's just a couple of the many examples of how that looks in my life)? Thinking about this is sobering to me in much the same way Jesus' answer must have been sobering to the rich young ruler. Y'all I seriously thought I was past the point where this passage really applied to me.  After all, I've already chosen Jesus and His kingdom. Game over, right? The thing is God hasn't called game over yet. He knows I'm still in need of lots of transformation because I will so often chose the things that are temporarily satisfying (like choosing a McDonalds cheeseburger over a professionally prepared filet mignon from a Michelin star restaurant) over what He has planned for me on a day to day basis. I'm just grateful Jesus feels a love for me the way He did the rich young ruler as I keep turning to Him to show me a better way.

It's Time

I've decided it's time to get back to blogging.  It's been 3 years since my last post. Not sure why I stopped. More than likely a result of a ton of life changes--graduating grad school, moving, returning to an old job while starting a new career, meeting and marrying the love of my life, moving, starting a new job, and getting pregnant. Little one should make an appearance any day now so this may not be the best time to start this up. Thing is, I, like everyone, have things to say. Sometimes those things are actually helpful to other people, especially when I'm bold and say the things that other people might be afraid to say.  I think that's part of why I became a counselor. So I'm going to roll the dice and make a commitment to blogging in what will probably be the craziest of all life changes. Just wanted to let the blogging world know this so you can hold me accountable.

It may or may not knock your socks off...

I'm doing an inductive Bible study on the book of Luke right now.  For those of you unfamiliar with the technique of inductive study, it involves reading and re-reading and re-reading again and then re-reading some more the chapters in a book of the Bible.  As you read you highlight key words and ask certain questions about the text to give you a deeper understanding of what is being said in it.  This morning when I picked up my Bible I decided to read chapter 4 one more time before I moved on. Ya know, in case I missed anything.  You can probably guess where this is going.  As I read I came to a particular verse and found myself wondering how on earth I had missed the wording of this verse before.  BLOGGER'S WARNING:  Before I share it, I'm guessing you're gearing yourself up for a verse that is profound beyond all meaning; one that simply knocks your socks off just at the reading of it.  Here's your warning....good chance that's not what's going to happen.  In fact, I'm thinking when you read it there's a slight chance you're going to think, "So?".  But stay with me as I talk about why it stuck out to me.  Now that that's out of the way, are you ready?  Here it is:

 

And all were speaking well of Him, and wondering at the gracious words which were falling from His lips; and they were saying, "Is this not Joseph's son?" (v. 22)

When I read this verse those 2 little words "gracious words" hit me unexpectedly.  Gracious words.  Something about it sounded so gentle and loving.  I decided to take my study of this tiny phrase a bit deeper and looked up the word gracious in my greek translation Bible (basically has the original greek word and then a more in depth translation of it).  Here's the meaning I found for the word gracious:  joy, favor, acceptance, a kindness granted or desired, a benefit, thanks, gratitude; a favor done without expectation of return; absolute freeness of the loving-kindness of God to men, finding its only motive in the bounty and free-heartedness of the Giver; unearned and unmerited favor.  Wow.  These were the kinds of words Jesus was speaking that caused His hearers to wonder.  Can you imagine having a conversation with someone and feeling joy, acceptance, kindness, and favor with no expectation of the same words in return?  Can you imagine feeling God's loving-kindness and a sense of the speaker's free-heartedness behind those words?  The verse says that these gracious words were "falling from His lips".  Can you hear the ease behind that phrase?  Can you imagine receiving these words from another and knowing that they were not only 100% genuine but also flowing from their mouth as naturally as it is for us to breathe?  Is it any wonder the people were a bit befuddled and asking, "Is this not Joseph's son?".  Isn't He just an ordinary man like the rest of us?  He's not of exceptional breeding or class, is He?  

I felt a great deal of conviction as the meaning of this very short verse set in.  While I'm not able to do exactly as Jesus does because He's infallible, I fully believe God expects me to try.  When it comes to this verse, I'm not totally sure when the last time was that I really tried to speak graciously in such a way that the hearer could sense that it was a natural out-flow from my relationship with the Giver of those words.  Of course, God had to up the ante on this and chose to remind me of some broken relationships in my life where there has been a great deal of anger and pain.  I could sense Him saying that I'm expected to have gracious words for those who hurt me as well as those who love me.  Should I be surprised?  After all, when Jesus spoke these gracious words He spoke to people who He knew would one day betray, abandon, and mock Him.  

I wonder what it would be like to have interactions with people who know me well and love me to respond to gracious words from me that were so of God that they could say, "Isn't this Amber?  The girl who was grouchy with me yesterday morning?  The girl who got a little too upset in traffic last week?".  Or to encounter someone who had never met me before, who was so struck by God's words to them through me that they had to wonder how it was another human was being so kind, when their normal experience of humanity has been one of selfishness and anger?  Kind of sounds like a fun experiment to me.            

A Betrayed Betrayer

There are moments in life where something happens or is said or done to forever change your perspective. These moments are usually so poignant because they come unexpectedly and almost covertly (or sneaky-like, if you will). For me, my perspective on communion will never be the same. I have recently had the opportunity to engage in communion in a couple situations where there was brokenness between me and those with whom I was communing. In the first situation I struggled greatly to sit at the table. How could I commune honestly with someone with whom I had betrayed by my sin and brokenness, and who had betrayed me by theirs? Wouldn't I be staining the Lord's table with my sin if I partook before reconciliation occurred? I shared this struggle with a respected friend, and was surprised by her simple, pointed response to my struggle. "Isn't this what Jesus did?", she gently questioned as I wrestled. Instantly I found myself envisioning the night when the Lord sat with 12 betrayers, broke bread with them, drank from the cup, and then served them by washing their feet. I was overwhelmed by the picture of Jesus supping with His betrayers. And this is why communion, for me, will never be the same. I will no longer go to the table refusing to join in this aspect of Christian fellowship because I have betrayed my brother or sister in Christ or even the Lord Himself. Instead, I will go with humility and gratitude, recognizing that the only One who was ever worthy of the table was Jesus Himself but Who still willingly invited his betrayers to join with Him in intimate fellowship at the table.

Crisis of Faith

It's amazing to me what I've decided should be my first post after not blogging for over 2 months. Truly there have been many things on my mind, many topics I felt stirred to write about. Either procrastination won out in preventing me to write until now or God was just waiting for the heart of all these other topics to come to the surface so I could just get to the point. It's a little irritating really. All these other topics made me feel more spiritual. This entry, on the other hand, is far more telling of my humanity which I most times disdain. Alas and alack, I'm committed to living up to the name of my blog. So here goes nothing.

The past few months of being in counseling has been in a word wretched. Slowly but surely God has been wrestling little bits of control from my hands; control that I had mistakenly thought I had given up long ago. But those control wars were really only the tip of the iceberg of the really big battle. "Do you think you do this in your relationship with God?", my counselor gently asked last week. We had been talking about struggles I have in trusting people and how it causes me to let them come only so far with me before I put up the big red stop sign with flashing lights. I foolishly(?) thought that only my human relationships fell victim to this particular road sign. Until my counselor asked this question that is. My first reaction was "No, of course I don't do this with God". That reaction lasted as long as it took to think the thought. Then I thought, "Well, it's possible I do this", followed immediately by, "Oh yeah. I do this". A sinking feeling in my stomach...I don't trust God. As if that sickening moment of realization wasn't enough the message was reinforced a couple times as the week went on. One such reinforcement came in my study of Psalm with a friend. The chapter for the week was 9 and as I read over it I came across a verse I underlined a few years ago in a time of depression: "Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you" (v.10). Reality check: I don't believe the Lord doesn't forsake us sometimes, I don't trust Him right now, I don't know Him as well as I thought I did.

Trust me when I say this is one of the scariest moments in my relationship with God that I've ever had. I've tried to recover my own faith, remind myself of all the things I've learned about God in the past in times of struggle, tried to push myself back into a place of trust but I just can't. I know my attempts at this are only a tactic to make myself feel better and get out of the discomfort; attempts to feel in control of my own faith again. However, I've clearly come to a point where there is no turning back, no deceiving myself about there being something amiss in my relationship with God. The only choice I have is to continue forward into the crisis no matter how scary or out of control it may feel. As if these realizations weren't enough, some beautiful sisters in Christ have had the gall to give me permission to wrestle with God and rage on (oh yes, there has been rage this week) while they had faith for me, on my behalf, that God would bring me through. Again, this feels so wrong (because that leaves things in the control of others yet again) and yet I know I have no choice.

The formal definition of crisis is "a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, especially for better or for worse, is determined; turning point." I think this pretty much summarizes the current stage my faith is in. Here's depending on the faith of my sisters in Christ that the future trend is for better.

A little Christmas conviction...

My favorite Christmas hymn of all time is "O Holy Night". There is one verse in particular that stirs my heart. It says:

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we

Let all within us praise His holy name

Normally this verse just resonates with the passion of my heart for justice, people to be free literally from the people who have enslaved them (such as with sex trafficking) and on a figurative level as in the ways we are all in chains to something due to our fallen, broken human nature (whether it's drugs, overeating, or allowing ourselves to be distracted from the unmet longings of our hearts from hours of tv). Over the past month this song has brought a great deal of conviction to my heart. The past 3 years has been a time of God changing my heart toward Christmas. It has become a time of year where I think more about the people who don't have (be it family/social support or the basics to sustain life) and find myself desiring to turn away from the consumeristic approach of this season to one focused on giving where there is need. This year has been sadly different. I've found myself more focused on what I can ask for to fulfill a very superficial wish list. I can feel in my heart that I've been focusing more on asking for the things I don't need instead of on finding ways to give where there is true need. This verse from "O Holy Night" has been part of that process of conviction. The other day I began thinking of those words "Truly He taught us to love one another" and "Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother; and in His name all oppression shall cease". I felt a twinge in my heart. This is what Christmas is meant to be about. I'm to use this time of year to love extravagantly and to seek out ways to break chains of my brother and sister who is enslaved and to be part of the process of ceasing oppression in His name. How sad it is that Christmas has strayed so very far from this focus...I feel that sadness for my own distracted heart this year.

There are so many different places we can give this year to help change our focus from materialism to be part of loving one another, breaking the chains of our brother and sister, and ending oppression. I thought I would end this blog by giving you some options if your heart is feeling any of the same conviction that mine is. They're just a few organizations that have touched my heart in different ways and for different reasons. There are many options locally and globally. These 3 are just special to me:

Loving South Africa--dedicated to ending the AIDS pandemic in KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa. http://laminc.org
ServLife--focused on orphanages and ending poverty in India, Nepal and other countries in Asia. http://www.servlife.org
Center for Global Impact--an organization dedicated to addressing poverty, disease and injustice in Cambodia, Guatemala and Kosova. http://www.centerforglobalimpact.org
Purchased--educating people about the issues of sex trafficking, human exploitation and abuse. http://www.purchasedevents.org

Glory and Depravity

Did you know for the past 12 years the weather on this day (Sept. 27th) has been exactly the same? I did. I know because the weather 12 years ago today will forever be imprinted on my mind. It is a memory of perfect blue skies, clear sunshine and pleasant fall temperatures that accompanied the most torturous 45 minute drive I had ever made from campus to my childhood home. It was not more than an hour before that drive that I was being pulled out of my physics class at IU by a campus policeman only to be led to a phone where my dad waited on the other end with news that my mom had died. It's still amazing to me how that morning is full of the dichotomy of glory and depravity that characterizes this life on earth. How could it be that just that morning I felt the glory of God as His peace filled me in my prayer of surrender to His will for my mom; that whether He chose to heal her body by restoring it to health or freeing her from it to be in His presence I would accept it? How could I make the very same drive back home gasping for breath, straining through tears as I felt the full weight of depravity in cancer taking my mom victim at a young age? How could God's glory be shown so clearly in the beauty of the weather that day while the depravity of death touched me to the core of my being with an ache I had never experienced before? Even today as I walked in the same perfect blue skies, clear sunshine and pleasant fall temperatures I was in the midst of that dichotomy of glory and depravity, as I processed the glory of His redeeming work in my story combined with the depravity of the broken parts of it that still remain. I almost feel that the way God recreates the same perfect weather every year on this very day is what the rainbow was to Noah. It is my promise from God that in the end His glory will always outweigh the depravity.

There will come a day...

As I made my 3 1/2 hour drive from Missouri to Indiana yesterday I came across 2 songs that talked about the physical healing that would one day be a reality for all believers once we're in the Father's presence. It struck me that the focus in these songs, as well as many others, is usually on the healing of the physical. What about the emotional? What about the healing of our identities to be what God intended for us to be when He spoke us into being? These thoughts came as a result of some tough counseling sessions. My counselor and I have been digging into some deeply rooted things that influence who I am and how I relate to others. I found myself despairing, wondering if I was ever going to be free of these things and be able to interact with others on a healthier level. Listening to these songs of healing in the Father's presence made me long for the day when I would be completely free of worry of the opinions of others, able to love with no strings attached, capable of receiving from those who love me without questioning their motives and able to simply be who God created me to be without being afraid of it. I thought of how this is how it must have been for Adam before the fall. Then God brought to mind Psalm 139 and those words "fearfully and wonderfully made" that have echoed in my spirit for several years now. I believe before Adam and Eve made the choice to take things into their own hands that they were able to be who God had created them to be freely, without fear or insecurity and with boldness. I believe they were able to be in the Father's presence and praise God Creator for exactly how and who He had created them to be. Such beautiful and encouraging thoughts for me as I seek to heal from and let go of the things that have detracted from God's original intent for me and embrace who I'm meant to be.

Healing Relationships

The Lord God said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
Genesis 2:18

When God spoke these words at the beginning of time the result was a wife for Adam. Many of us who are still single at an older age than anticipated cling to that sentence "It is not good for man to be alone". It's a sentence of hope and a potential foretelling that we may still get what we long for. Yet that's not the reason this verse came to mind this morning. The depth of truth that comes with the reality that it's not good for us to be alone has hit me on a different level. One of the big things I've been working through in my counseling sessions lately has been in regard to my fears and insecurities in relationship. The fear can be so great sometimes that I will choose to not speak up even when I'm feeling hurt by someone close to me. Speaking up may offend that friend and drive them away, revealing that the friendship wasn't as solid as I had initially thought. Unfortunately the same mentality occurs when I find close friends disagreeing with me (for whatever reason). I automatically begin to fear that because they're rejecting my opinion about something they must also be rejecting who I am as a person as well. This approach can take a lot of joy out of being in relationship with people. When all you do is spend time assessing what someone is thinking about you throughout your entire interaction you tend to miss out on the beauty of that person or the intimacy of the relationship you have with them. So, in discussing this in a counseling session my counselor inquired if I had ever just come out and asked a friend if they were offended by something I had said or how they interpreted it or me. The very idea scared me to death. After all, what if my worst fears were confirmed? What if they had taken my words negatively? What if they really didn't like a certain part of who I was? By the end of the session my counselor and I had decided I probably wasn't ready to take such a step of vulnerability in my close relationships. God had something else in mind. I was sitting at a winery with 2 women who have taken a very special place in my heart in my journey through counseling school. I truly feel as though God has knit this friendship together for this season (and hopefully many more to come) of life. As we sat and talked one of them asked a question (I can't remember what it was) that was somewhat related to my fears that I had been discussing in counseling. Before I knew it, I was spilling my guts and telling them about my fears and anxieties in relationship, including the fears I had about being rejected by them. Wonder of wonders, these lovely ladies did not reject me, put me down, or tell me all the things they thought were crazy about me. No. Instead they reaffirmed who I was and reminded me of how deeply they care about who I am. The next counseling session I relayed to my counselor with awe the interaction. My heart felt lighter and freer that I was able to express these fears and find that they were, in fact, unfounded. The Holy Spirit used this relationship to bring a bit of healing to my soul. I wonder how many there are in this world lacking in this kind of relationship. How many of the rejected, downtrodden, depressed, anxious, drug addicted, oppressed, promiscuous, lonely, sexually abused and insecure people in this world are in desperate need of such healing relationships? I believe that seeking out these people and loving them into places of healing is exactly what Jesus was setting the stage for His followers to do.

Sanctification

Make no mistake, counseling school is not for the faint of heart. I knew that coming to seminary and entering training for counseling would have a component of self-revelation. I think I may have underestimated just how much self-revelation there would be. I mean, what did I think I was going to get away with if I was going to be required to go to counseling as a requirement for graduation? I'm in a season of "reality check". Lately God has been speaking to me on so much of my stuff that I've had moments where I just wanted to say, "Forget it! I'm fine the way I am." It's been pretty intense. Why am I so surprised by this? God has always accepted me for the broken person I am and this doesn't change that His love for me is unconditional, but He also loves me too much to let me get away with continuing on blindly in my brokenness. I'm grateful for this, but it's still a little wretched.

Get me outta here!

I'm reading through the New Testament for one of my classes this semester and started Mark this morning. It's only chapter one and twice there have been references to Jesus going to "lonely" or "solitary" places. I like to think Jesus was a bit of an introvert:) But that's probably only because I am and that makes my introvertedness seem holy:) Seriously, I did have a new epiphany as I read this today. I was thinking about the reality that Jesus had not too long ago come from heaven where He was in the Father's very presence. Meaning the closeness and intimacy we long to have with God was full and complete reality for Him. I can't even imagine! Now He's on earth. He has a job to do. Half the time the disciples are asking Him crazy questions every other parable ("I don't get it!", they're constantly saying) and the other half of the time critics are asking Him crazy questions to trap Him. People are constantly tugging on His sleeve (literally) for a healing, He can't cast out a demon without having to chastise it to not reveal His identity too soon, and then there's that whole deal about people trying to kill Him before it's actually time. This is what He has in exchange for being in the actual presence of the almighty God who is Love. I began to think about my struggle to be quiet before the Lord. I don't have anywhere near the distraction of people trying to kill me or masses of people constantly up in my business for a physical healing or a good lesson. As a matter of fact, being in seminary has actually created more time for me to be in the Lord's presence than when I was working full time. Yet I still struggle to get myself there. At the same time, I think about the amazing reality that Jesus walked this earth knowing exactly how it felt to be in the physical presence of the Father. I think this is another reason why it was so easy for Him to want to seek out time with His Father. He knew what it was like to have perfect intimacy with Him. That thought alone stirs me to want more of that intimacy as well. I don't feel I've adequately put into words how this notion has stirred me this morning. I wish I had a more complete understanding/experience of the potential of having this kind of intimacy with God. I have no question it would revolutionize my life.

(In case you're wondering about the blog title, I imagined that every time Jesus had just spent time ministering to a large crowd that in His head He was thinking "Get me outta here!" and then rushing away to solitude with God at the first possible moment. Again, it's what my introvert mind would be thinking so I like to think maybe Jesus got that too :) )

Confessions of a Target-aholic

Have you ever seen the movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic"? Quite funny. I had a mental image today of a scene in the movie where the main character is going to a sale. This is after she's found out she's in thousands of dollars of debt from her shopping addiction. She's recently lost her job and found a new job and is vowing to get on track with her spending...and then the sale comes along. In the scene she's in the midst of hundreds of women going nuts over all the name brands and prices. The main character is attempting to use some restraint. She sees the amazing gloves she must have and quickly justifies that because she has hands she must buy them. "I'll buy these and only these!", she declares. When it's all said and done you see her in her bedroom amidst multiple sacks filled with multiple purchases that she never intended to buy. And now you know what it looks like for me to shop at Target. I went to Target this evening to buy a needed pair of snow boots, deodorant and soap. I left Target with snow boots, deodorant, soap, 6 running shirts, 4 pajama shirts, 2 packages (meaning 3 packs in each) of gum, and a package of toothbrush heads. Oh, and 2 boxes of hot cocoa and 2 cans of whip cream. As I walked out I pictured myself picking up the snow boots and shouting "I'll buy these and only these." Part of me has to laugh at myself at the mental image and comparison. I by no means fit the description of a shopping addict. Anyone who knows me well can verify this (I actually abhor shopping most of the time.) And I know I could go off onto some pretty deep tangents filled with analogies and metaphors about always trying to get things we don't need but I don't feel like it tonight. Instead I'll leave it where it is and let you go deeper if you so choose. Maybe I'll get more philosophical in the next entry. :)

Except...

“Solomon showed his love for the Lord by walking according to the statutes of his father David, except that he offered sacrifices and burned incense on the high places.” 1 Kings 3:3

I never stop being amazed that Solomon did so well in the beginning in binding himself to God and His law. He showed humility in asking God for wisdom instead of riches, built the temple with diligence and prayed a beautiful prayer of dedication when the temple was complete. He walked in the way of the Lord’s statutes because he loved the Lord, except… All it took was one “except” and he was on the road to straying from God. It didn’t affect only his reign but set the stage for a long line of descendants who would love the Lord except…

I know that Solomon is human so the fact that he erred isn’t the greatest of all shocks. However, that word “except” still bugs me. It bugs me because the Lord was incredibly faithful to Solomon and blessed him far and away beyond what He did for David. So how can there be an “except”? When I really meditate on this passage, stop focusing on Solomon and turn inward I realize the “except” bothers me because I, too, am guilty of it. I love the Lord and I can honestly say that love grows as time goes on. I’m amazed at His faithfulness in times of uncertainty and depression, except…I still have a critical spirit, I try to force my plans on God (and even attempt to say they’re God’s plans), negotiate my obedience (saying I’ll do what You say if You do what I’ll say), get apathetic about my relationship with Him—the list could go on longer than I care to admit. I hate that “except”.

Not-so-perfect form

I love watching my 4 year old nephew run. Several months ago my sister told me that his preschool teacher said he was doing well in everything, but when it came to running he was always last. For some reason I couldn't imagine why this could be. Not long after I found this out, I was babysitting for my nephews and decided to pay attention to his running form. It all came together. His arms where hiked up and pumping hard as if to will himself to go faster, feet were flailing out and knees turned in. It was the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Every time I picture this precious boy running I have to smile. This past weekend I was doing my own treadmill run and for some reason my nephew and his running came to mind. I began thinking of my own running form which has earned more than one person commenting that I make running look effortless. As I thought about this God popped in with some thoughts of His own (since He seems to like to use running to teach me things). I've been reading a book on perfectionism for one of my classes and have been thinking a lot about my own battle of performance perfectionism. I prefer my movement through life to look like I do when I'm running...effortless. In addition, I like to perform consistently well. In some areas of my life I do seem to be able to maintain good form...like with the disciplines of prayer and Bible study. Unfortunately there are other areas where my form seems to look a bit more like my nephew's...like with having a critical spirit. In this area my attempts to keep from having a critical spirit are as clumsy and cumbersome as when my nephew tries to run fast. I'm pumping my arms hard, legs flying, knees knocking and a good deal of the time I'm tripping over myself as I try to improve. God showed me that even in the things in life where my form is quite clumsy, He still looks on me and smiles at my effort just as I do with my nephew. My desire to improve and do well is sweet to Him. He doesn't hide His face in shame that I'm not measuring up in this area (or any area for that matter) to those around me but rather is so very pleased that I'm trying.

I never thought....

As I was taking an early evening walk with my dog I had a lovely realization that I'm actually starting to get some kind of rhythm in this new life that I'm living right now. As I thought about the fact that I really am living a new life I had a fresh realization of just how big of a deal it is that I quit my job to move to a city where I know no one to be trained in a completely different profession. That thought lead me to the theme of all the things I never thought would happen in my life or the way I never thought my life would be. Here's what it would've sounded like if you had been in my head. I never thought...I would live somewhere other than my hometown...I would live somewhere other than that state I was born in...I would NOT be a teacher...I would still be single and childless by the time of my current age...I would leave the country as many times as I have and even willingly live in another one for more than a month...I would lose a parent before that parent was old enough to see my kids...I would ever get out of a couple periods of depression...I would ever get over a couple heartbreaks...I would be ok with not knowing or having control over the future...I would get past an eating disorder...I would enjoy long distance running...I would be in a place of depth and intimacy that I'm at in my relationship with God.

Some of the things above are a little heavy, some have caused moments of deep grieving for what I want but don't have and some have just flat out surprised me. The beautiful thing is, regardless of which of the 3 above categories my "I never thoughts" fit in they all have the touch of God in them. Depression, heartbreak, healing from eating disorders, my mom's death have all showed me God's comfort and how it touches places of my heart a human can't. It also has lead to a lot of growth and building my faith. Learning to love running, leaving the country and living in another country have created so much enjoyment of the world around me that God has created. I'm learning to enjoy the "I never thoughts"....probably more than I ever thought I would. So I guess you could say I never thought I would enjoy God messing with my plans :)

Life and Death

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were." Romans 4:17 (NIV)
"...who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist." (ESV)

I love re-reading old journal entries. It's such an encouraging reminder of where I've been and where God has taken me. As I read through some entries from April of this year the verse above came up a couple times and has spoken encouragement to my heart this morning. Just thought I would share with you what I said. Maybe it's the encouragement you're needing in the season you're in too.

April 25
I start this entry by referencing the above verse from Romans and go on to say the following:
"It's the same God that calls into being confidence in who He's created me to be as if it already fully existed. He's the God of the death of my insecurity. I love it. I love that I can have confidence in God to help me become more secure in the person He has created me to be.

May 5
(To give you some context, in part of the entry I'm referring to a break-up. When I refer to a "calling" I mean going to counseling school which is what I'm now doing. Again, the paragraph in this entry starts with a reference to Romans 4:17)

"I found myself in awe that even as my relationship last year was dying God was simultaneously working on bringing life in the midst of that death. As a relationship that carried many hopes and expectations died God immediately spoke into life a beautiful calling. He really is the God of the living and the dead. I so look forward to the journey ahead. I sense God has an adventure on the horizon. I'm thankful for how He has graciously walked me through the past 6 or 7 months of questions, frustrations, depression and impatience. I'm grateful that He has grown my trust in Him in regard to the decision-making process. I love that the ending to this time of seeking is actually a beautiful beginning to a new chapter in my life story. Thank you, God."

I don't know where you are in your life right now. Maybe your in a time of seeking, refining, or wrestling. Maybe God is taking something from you that you've held tightly. I hope you're encouraged by the fact that even though God may be bringing death to certain things in your life He will faithfully bring life as well.

You Were on the Cross

This entry is going to seem really long but it's only because I've included the lyrics to a song that has been rolling around in my heart and mind lately. My belief is that if you're a human and you're reading this you'll be able to identify with what the artist is saying. I found myself quite humbled when I first truly listened to the song. I thought of all the times I struggled with disappointment or a feeling of loneliness in the midst of God's refining. I thought of my reaction to God in those low moments and much of the time there was an accusatory hint to my approach to Him. Somewhere on the lines of "How could you let me go through this alone?", "Why are you taking away these hopes and/or dreams I have?", or "Why have you abandoned me when I need you most?". I love this song because it's such a poignant reminder that all those times I accused God of abandoning me, the reality is He knows what I'm experiencing because of Jesus' life on this earth and the abandonment Jesus experienced as He suffered on the cross while His Father looked the other way. Jesus isn't called our Great High Priest for nothing. He knows. He gets it. He's fully aware of how it feels to live in this fallen world and He hasn't, in fact, abandoned us. Better yet, He's created a way out of the fallen-ness of this world without having to leave it. He created victory over our sin, shame, broken hopes and dreams when He suffered that cruelest of all abandonment from His own Father. He's simply waiting for me to stop depending too much on the broken humans around me and do the hard work of coming into His presence and waiting on Him to meet me where I am. Please know that I'm not advocating for trying to work out all things on your own. I'm fully aware of the necessity of a supportive Church community and feel if you're not in one you're not only handicapping your own ability to make it through the tough things of this world but you're also opening yourself up to believing lots of lies of the enemy. Just reminding you that community is full of broken humans who will let you down and that it's necessary to place your first hope in Christ. That's the end of that sermon. Now read the lyrics and if possible find the song to listen to:)

"You Were on the Cross", Matt Maher

Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where when You when all that I've hoped for,
Where when you when all that I've dreamed,
Came crashing down in shambles around me?
You were on the cross.

Pain, could you take way the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me.

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life I wish I never made.

You were on the cross. My God, my God.
All alone, all alone.
You were on the cross. You died for us.
All alone, all alone.
You were on the cross, victorious.
All alone, all alone.

You were there in all of my suffering.
And you were there in doubt and fear.
I'm waiting for the dawn to reappear.

church hunting = dating

"What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me." Job 3:25

This verse describes perfectly my feelings regarding church hunting. I knew more than 2 months ago as I was preparing to move that the dreaded church hunt would be part of the transitioning process. As the verse says above, it's the thing that I feared and dreaded. Ok, so fear may be a bit strong but dreaded is pretty accurate. Over the past couple weeks I've decided that looking for a church is like all the ups and downs of dating. You want to do it because it will lead to "the one" yet, if you're anything like me, a whole lot of analyzing goes into the process. It's a pretty big deal after all. (If you're wondering at this point if I'm referring to dating or church hunting the answer is yes.) You don't want to be rash when it comes to making a choice that affects your spiritual growth, social life, how you're going to minister and serve, and that affects the lens through which you've been viewing God and the Word. And what if your family isn't so keen on your choice? (Yep, still talking about both). Then there's the whole argument of how many times do you have to try this out before you say you've given it a good shot. Should I feel some emotional draw right away? If I don't is that an indicator that it's not "the one" or do I give it a few more tries? How many tries is adequate before you can say you put in a good effort and can officially and comfortably deem it not "the one"? God, can't I just know right away if this is it or not and skip the whole trial and error process? To be honest, I feel like this about church hunting right now 10x more than I do about dating. In the words of an old PT school classmate's little sister, "I don't want to get there, I just want to be there!"

If you're wondering where all these deep sentiments regarding the church search are coming from just attribute it to introvert overload. Still love being in St. Louis, am glad for the decision I made go to seminary and am thankful to God to get such a lovely opportunity in this phase of my life to be trained to minister well. However, my little introvert self has about reached the limit of meeting new people in jobs, school and in the process of church hunting, and it's getting a little tiresome. About 6 months ago I was starting to wonder if I was beginning to convert to extrovertism. This move has showed me otherwise. Ah well. C'est la vie. This too shall pass.

Wabaday

Wabaday...not just fun to say, also the name of the street I'll be living on in a little over a week. I was looking on Covenant's website for housing opportunities when I came across it. I was actually looking at it for the 2nd or 3rd time to see if there were options I had ruled out that I might need to stop being picky about and start considering. Then I came across this particular ad that hadn't been there the last time I had looked. I called the number listed and that night found myself on Wabaday looking at a 2 bedroom house for a rent that was ridiculously too good to be true. As I talked to the owner of the house it became more and more evident that this was the provision God had been asking me to wait on. For starters, the owner informed me that he and his wife had been praying for the past 2 weeks about what to do with the house since it had been on the market all summer and not selling. Interestingly enough it was exactly 2 weeks ago that my apartment fire occurred leaving me with the dilemma of where to live. The 2nd sign of God's provision is kind of a minor detail but nonetheless fun for me. I had painted my kitchen, was in the process of painting another room and had the color picked out for my livingroom before having to make the decision to not stay. I was a little bummed because I loved the color schemes I had chosen. Then I walk into this house and wouldn't you know it but the kitchen and livingroom where both painted the colors I had chosen and the extra room was painted very close to the same blue I had chosen. So there it is ladies and gentleman. God at His finest doing exactly what He was asking me to trust Him to do...surprise me with His provision.