Psalm 51 Thoughts and a Confession

Have mercy on me , O God, for my selfishness.
According to Your steadfast love and abundant mercy blot out my self-consumption.
Wash me thoroughly from pride and cleanse me from my high and mighty thoughts of myself.
For I know how I think more of me than You, and this is ever before me.
Against You, You only have I caused pain and heartache.
Behold, I was brought forth in intolerance and impatience, and in unwarranted self-righteousness did my mother conceive me.
Behold, You delight when I own up and fess up, and I finally let Your wisdom sink in deep in my heart.
Purge my ugliness with Your infinite beauty and I shall be clean;
wash me with Your grace and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness in the freedom You've given me;
let the parts of me that have been broken from pride and self-seeking rejoice.
Hide Your face from my critical spirit and blot out all my tendencies to control things.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from the peace of Your presence, and take not the counsel of the Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation from myself and uphold me with a willing spirit to surrender to You.
Then I will teach other people who share my brokenness Your ways, and together we'll return to You.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation and my tongue will sing aloud of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips so that I will give credit where it's due and praise You.
For You will not delight in my ever-inadequate sacrifice, or I would give it;
You will not be pleased with my measly peace offering.
The sacrifice You cherish is my broken spirit;
my broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

God is with me.

I just noticed that I've been a blogger for a little over a year now. It's interesting to think back to the journey that pushed me to start it, all the things I've blogged about and to look at where I am now. I'm pleasantly overwhelmed these days at God's goodness. Not goodness as defined by those who promote prosperity gospel type messages where everything is going my way and I'm walking down the street whistling a happy tune. Goodness in the sense that God is with me. Preparing to live in another country, being immersed in a culture counter-intuitive to who I am, walking through some deep spiritual battles (mine and others), returning home and trying to acclimate to changes that happened behind my back :)...none of this was easy. At least half of the time these things were downright painful. Yet, God was (and is) with me. He comforted me beyond what words can describe when my heart was lonely or breaking. He taught me. He spoke to me. He healed me. He was with me. He is with me. Can you wrap your head around the depth of this? Don't read this sentence in the simplicity of the 4 little words that comprise it. Read it in the light of your life, your struggles, your heartbreak, your victory, your pain, and your laughter. Repeat it to yourself and let it sink in. The more I repeat it to myself right now the more my heart appreciates the full message of it. Right now in my life I'm in a mixed phase. There's a vast amount of joy in my heart as I'm living in freedom in who I am in ways that I've NEVER had before. It's so beautiful. At the same time I'm walking in a place where a job that has created a family in my co-workers and a ministry I'm passionate about in treating my patients may be taken away from me. The thought of it has broken my heart yet God is reassuring me that He is with me. With that reassurance I'm able to continue enjoying the freedom while resting in His presence as He comforts and reassures that He's on it and has a plan. Do you have this? Are you able to walk in this peace and reassurance? He is with you. You may be walking through or have walked through things that make it hard to believe this but I'm asking you to take a risk and sit still. To really think about your life circumstances. You might suddenly see how He's been there. Or maybe you just need to take a risk to let Him be there and see what He does. I pray that you'll be able to rest in His presence in the end.

It's ugly, and a bit like a mini-sermon

It's been a while since I blogged anything. Mostly because I'm not a good "casual" blogger. I don't do a very good job taking the routine things of my life and making it interesting enough for the world to read. I feel like it has to be something deep. I recently realized I actually have tons to blog about since I've been processing and analyzing a lot as I continue to readjust to life in the USA. I just didn't want to write about it because some of it is a little ugly. Then I reminded myself of my blog name--bare naked truth. I've been holding back from living up to that title by not sharing the nitty gritty of some of my emotions these days. So ready or not, here it comes.

In a nutshell, I've been mad at God. Mostly because I've been lonely for the past few months. Or rather because I've been lonely and not feeling adequately comforted by Him. While I was in South Africa all (yes all--I'm not exaggerating) of my closest relationships changed. Not good for a person who invests deeply in a few relationships and doesn't tend to have multiple casual relationships to call on. Coincidentally, or maybe as a result?, my singleness has also been an issue. I've prided myself (oops) on how well I've handled my singleness over the past several years with a degree of contentment and by not putting my life on hold until it can be shared with a man. While I'm still not putting it on hold, I'm also not handling things like travelling with contentment (my solo 36 hour journey to Russia was downright painfully lonely at times). I've never felt the ache of singleness in this way. I don't even know how to approach it as I'm seemingly inconsolable by wise words from friends and currently pressing into God gets me only so far. Now, before you jump on the bandwagon of "God is your everything", "Keep pressing in", "press in harder", "He's teaching you something",etc. let me just say "Shut up". :) Just kidding...kinda ;) True as these words may be they're really not helpful. In fact, not only do I (and many others who go through this or any other pain for that matter) already know it but some of us are even already doing exactly what we need to do to "get through it". Yet we still hurt. Sometimes, I think the only answer is to just let it hurt. Yuck. As I write this I'm reminded of the night Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was obviously feeling the pain of His calling in those moments (In the ESV Matthew 26:38 and Luke 14:32 He says, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death." Ouch!). He even took a stab at getting out of it altogether. Mark 14:36 indicates He bluntly stated "Remove this cup from me" and then indicates He prayed it a 2nd time. Luke 22:43 says that an angel appeared to strengthen Him, but then v.44 follows with the statement that He was still in agony and prayed more earnestly so that His sweat became like drops of blood. Jesus was inconsolable too! I think anyone reading these verses would agree that Jesus was pressing into His heavenly Father (just like we all advise one another to do in hardship) yet He still hurt like crazy. When I add to that the reality that this life on earth is so incomplete and at times, well, crappy in comparison to the eternity we're created for it all of a sudden doesn't feel so strange that we would have pain that is inconsolable. There's still too much separation between what God meant for us when we were first created and what is during this life on earth. In light of that, it's not so shocking that we would all feel pain that won't go away quickly, easily or with the usual words of advice. As I think of all this I'm slightly comforted for the 1st time in a few months. Jesus, my great High Priest, gets my inconsolable pain. Hmmm...interesting. I'm not so mad any more. Still a little achy and I'm sure in later moments I'll be really achy, but not mad.

Music and Lyrics

We stand and lift up our hands.

For the joy of the Lord is our strength.

We bow down, and worship Him now.

How great, how awesome is He.

------------------------------------------

Name above all names.

You are worthy of all praise.

My heart will sing how great is our God.

What's listed above are the lyrics to 2 songs I sang in 2 different churches this weekend. I've sung them both many times and, in all honesty, probably wasn't fully thinking about what I was singing. This time after I sang them I had some thoughts; especially for the first one listed above. As I listened to a man speak about his ministry to the homeless and forgotten in Toronto I began to wonder something. I began to wonder if the Christians who sing this song in very comfortable churches, with the temperature set just right, the padding on the chairs, good friends nearby and no fear of retaliation for worshipping God really understand what it means for the joy of the Lord to be their strength. Do we really understand how great and awesome God is when we're fully able to go out and make enough money not only to meet our own daily needs but also to pad ourselves in comfort and luxury? I have to wonder. I'm not saying that all Christians should intentionally go and sell everything they own, make themselves homeless and go to the point of starvation just to experience the full awesomeness of God and to get to the point where we really know the joy of the Lord as our strength. I do think we should do some heavy reassessing of whether or not the joy of the Lord is our strength at all; or if our job, family, relationship, and comforts are our strength. Reality is these things are temporary and not even promised. God could remove any one of these things at any time. Personally, I would rather be in a place where I cling to these things lightly and to God tightly so that if that happens my world won't shatter beneath me.

As for the second song lyrics my biggest wondering was how much we are singing that song with a truly worshipful attitude. I live in a country with full religious freedom. I should be joyfully singing at the top of my lungs that Jesus is the name above all names, worthy of all praise and great. Yet so often we sing those lyrics half-heartedly, with a tinge of boredom and just a breath away from a yawn. I wonder what it would look like if my pursuit of God, if my church's pursuit of God, if American Christian's pursuit of God became so full on that we saw God for all that He really is...I wonder how that would affect our passion in singing these lyrics. I sure hope I get to find it.

A friendly reality check

My heart has been hearting a bit the past 2 weeks. It's not because of the high gas prices, the rising price of groceries, the bailout that didn't happen and then did, questions of where the economy is going or which president we will soon elect. None of those things at all actually. Rather my heart is hurting at everyone else's response to all of these things. There's so much talk about how everyone is fearful of the uncertainy of the future for America because of all the above listed circumstances. I'd like to invite you along for a friendly reality check. According to UNICEF 26,500-30,000 children die everyday due to poverty. And they're not doing it in America (maybe some but not most) but in a third world village which most of us try to ignore exists (after all if we know it exists we might just have to do something about it). UNICEF also numbers about a billion people that have entered the 21st century unable to read or write. In America the opportunity to learn these basic skills are there; we have just taken it completely for granted (by the way, the main reason people in 3rd world countries haven't learned these basic skills is because their income isn't going toward education but to that pesky thing called survival). The UN 2006 Human Development report points out that millions of women spend hours in a day collecting water (whereas in America we spend hours in a day wasting it). The number of children who died of AIDS in 2007 numbers 290,000 and mainly due to lack of funding to purchase the life saving anti-retrovirals. I'm only scratching the surface. I could give you enough stats to make this blog entry alone go on for pages. The reality is even with the somewhat shaky things that are occurring in the USA right now, very few (if anyone) reading this blog will have to worry about the things I just mentioned. My biggest fear is that in the midst of the disillusion about what "hard times" look like the people of this country who have the resources to make a change in the world will instead freeze up in unjustified fear and horde the very resources necessary to save a person's life. When I was in South Africa staring some ugly poverty in the face God presented a question to me that I'm now going to present to you: "Do I have a right to save for my future and therefore rob someone else of their now?". God has called us to love our neighbor (Matt 22:39), do unto the least of these (Matt 25:39-41), spend ourselves on behalf of the hungry, free the oppressed and captive, clothe the naked, and shelter the homeless (Isaiah 58). And He didn't say to do it only when it looked like the economy was swinging in your favor. He simply said to do it. And for those of you who are still scared, He also said that if you did these things you would call for help and He would answer, He would satisfy your needs, strengthen your frame, and make you like a well-watered garden and spring whose waters never fail (Isaiah 58:9,11). Bascially we have no excuses. So what are you going to do with your fear now? Are you going to choose to continue to respond in fear to the current circumstances of our country? Or are you going to choose to follow the directives of God and trust that He'll hold up His end of the bargain? Hmmm. I guess this wasn't such a friendly reality check after all. Then again, poverty has never been a friendly problem.

Wish I had words!

Some days I really wish I wasn't a non-verbal introvert. Ok so maybe I'm not completely non-verbal but when it comes to things that I really care about or am passionate about I can't seem to come up with adequate words to describe or explain what I'm thinking or have experienced. For those of you who know me, I guess you can consider this your warning for how I may do trying to unpack my 5 months in South Africa. Especially if you simply ask me "How was your trip?". Honestly, asking me to adequately answer that question right now is like trying to kiss your own elbow...can't be done. However, unlike the issue of trying to kiss my own elbow:), I really do want to be able to somehow convey what I've seen, heard, experienced and learned from God as a result of my time away. I think I'm asking you to be patient. Don't lose interest if the only answer I give you to the above question is "intense". I promise there is really more to share. I have a couple suggestions for how you can help me through the "unpacking" process. The first is to check in on my blog. I'm much better at writing how I feel. Then you can ask questions or make comments related to what I've written. The second suggestion is to ask specific questions. Asking me the very broad and painfully general question of "How was your trip" only puts an ulcer in my stomach thinking of how I'm going to respond. Your patience and help in this is greatly appreciated!

I know I've not been good about posting on here since I got back but that's because I don't have internet access at home. I hope to change that soon which will increase the likelihood that I'll be able to blog more. Thanks!!

Don't stop reading!

Just wanted to let you all know that even though I'm back from South Africa the blogging won't stop. I'm finding this a good way of sharing with people who don't live near me what God has shown me. I won't be able to put that in this post (still processing) but just wanted to encourage you to keep checking in. Comments are always appreciated:) Thanks for your support!

Love, Amber