Sanctification

Make no mistake, counseling school is not for the faint of heart. I knew that coming to seminary and entering training for counseling would have a component of self-revelation. I think I may have underestimated just how much self-revelation there would be. I mean, what did I think I was going to get away with if I was going to be required to go to counseling as a requirement for graduation? I'm in a season of "reality check". Lately God has been speaking to me on so much of my stuff that I've had moments where I just wanted to say, "Forget it! I'm fine the way I am." It's been pretty intense. Why am I so surprised by this? God has always accepted me for the broken person I am and this doesn't change that His love for me is unconditional, but He also loves me too much to let me get away with continuing on blindly in my brokenness. I'm grateful for this, but it's still a little wretched.

Get me outta here!

I'm reading through the New Testament for one of my classes this semester and started Mark this morning. It's only chapter one and twice there have been references to Jesus going to "lonely" or "solitary" places. I like to think Jesus was a bit of an introvert:) But that's probably only because I am and that makes my introvertedness seem holy:) Seriously, I did have a new epiphany as I read this today. I was thinking about the reality that Jesus had not too long ago come from heaven where He was in the Father's very presence. Meaning the closeness and intimacy we long to have with God was full and complete reality for Him. I can't even imagine! Now He's on earth. He has a job to do. Half the time the disciples are asking Him crazy questions every other parable ("I don't get it!", they're constantly saying) and the other half of the time critics are asking Him crazy questions to trap Him. People are constantly tugging on His sleeve (literally) for a healing, He can't cast out a demon without having to chastise it to not reveal His identity too soon, and then there's that whole deal about people trying to kill Him before it's actually time. This is what He has in exchange for being in the actual presence of the almighty God who is Love. I began to think about my struggle to be quiet before the Lord. I don't have anywhere near the distraction of people trying to kill me or masses of people constantly up in my business for a physical healing or a good lesson. As a matter of fact, being in seminary has actually created more time for me to be in the Lord's presence than when I was working full time. Yet I still struggle to get myself there. At the same time, I think about the amazing reality that Jesus walked this earth knowing exactly how it felt to be in the physical presence of the Father. I think this is another reason why it was so easy for Him to want to seek out time with His Father. He knew what it was like to have perfect intimacy with Him. That thought alone stirs me to want more of that intimacy as well. I don't feel I've adequately put into words how this notion has stirred me this morning. I wish I had a more complete understanding/experience of the potential of having this kind of intimacy with God. I have no question it would revolutionize my life.

(In case you're wondering about the blog title, I imagined that every time Jesus had just spent time ministering to a large crowd that in His head He was thinking "Get me outta here!" and then rushing away to solitude with God at the first possible moment. Again, it's what my introvert mind would be thinking so I like to think maybe Jesus got that too :) )

Confessions of a Target-aholic

Have you ever seen the movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic"? Quite funny. I had a mental image today of a scene in the movie where the main character is going to a sale. This is after she's found out she's in thousands of dollars of debt from her shopping addiction. She's recently lost her job and found a new job and is vowing to get on track with her spending...and then the sale comes along. In the scene she's in the midst of hundreds of women going nuts over all the name brands and prices. The main character is attempting to use some restraint. She sees the amazing gloves she must have and quickly justifies that because she has hands she must buy them. "I'll buy these and only these!", she declares. When it's all said and done you see her in her bedroom amidst multiple sacks filled with multiple purchases that she never intended to buy. And now you know what it looks like for me to shop at Target. I went to Target this evening to buy a needed pair of snow boots, deodorant and soap. I left Target with snow boots, deodorant, soap, 6 running shirts, 4 pajama shirts, 2 packages (meaning 3 packs in each) of gum, and a package of toothbrush heads. Oh, and 2 boxes of hot cocoa and 2 cans of whip cream. As I walked out I pictured myself picking up the snow boots and shouting "I'll buy these and only these." Part of me has to laugh at myself at the mental image and comparison. I by no means fit the description of a shopping addict. Anyone who knows me well can verify this (I actually abhor shopping most of the time.) And I know I could go off onto some pretty deep tangents filled with analogies and metaphors about always trying to get things we don't need but I don't feel like it tonight. Instead I'll leave it where it is and let you go deeper if you so choose. Maybe I'll get more philosophical in the next entry. :)

Except...

“Solomon showed his love for the Lord by walking according to the statutes of his father David, except that he offered sacrifices and burned incense on the high places.” 1 Kings 3:3

I never stop being amazed that Solomon did so well in the beginning in binding himself to God and His law. He showed humility in asking God for wisdom instead of riches, built the temple with diligence and prayed a beautiful prayer of dedication when the temple was complete. He walked in the way of the Lord’s statutes because he loved the Lord, except… All it took was one “except” and he was on the road to straying from God. It didn’t affect only his reign but set the stage for a long line of descendants who would love the Lord except…

I know that Solomon is human so the fact that he erred isn’t the greatest of all shocks. However, that word “except” still bugs me. It bugs me because the Lord was incredibly faithful to Solomon and blessed him far and away beyond what He did for David. So how can there be an “except”? When I really meditate on this passage, stop focusing on Solomon and turn inward I realize the “except” bothers me because I, too, am guilty of it. I love the Lord and I can honestly say that love grows as time goes on. I’m amazed at His faithfulness in times of uncertainty and depression, except…I still have a critical spirit, I try to force my plans on God (and even attempt to say they’re God’s plans), negotiate my obedience (saying I’ll do what You say if You do what I’ll say), get apathetic about my relationship with Him—the list could go on longer than I care to admit. I hate that “except”.

Not-so-perfect form

I love watching my 4 year old nephew run. Several months ago my sister told me that his preschool teacher said he was doing well in everything, but when it came to running he was always last. For some reason I couldn't imagine why this could be. Not long after I found this out, I was babysitting for my nephews and decided to pay attention to his running form. It all came together. His arms where hiked up and pumping hard as if to will himself to go faster, feet were flailing out and knees turned in. It was the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Every time I picture this precious boy running I have to smile. This past weekend I was doing my own treadmill run and for some reason my nephew and his running came to mind. I began thinking of my own running form which has earned more than one person commenting that I make running look effortless. As I thought about this God popped in with some thoughts of His own (since He seems to like to use running to teach me things). I've been reading a book on perfectionism for one of my classes and have been thinking a lot about my own battle of performance perfectionism. I prefer my movement through life to look like I do when I'm running...effortless. In addition, I like to perform consistently well. In some areas of my life I do seem to be able to maintain good form...like with the disciplines of prayer and Bible study. Unfortunately there are other areas where my form seems to look a bit more like my nephew's...like with having a critical spirit. In this area my attempts to keep from having a critical spirit are as clumsy and cumbersome as when my nephew tries to run fast. I'm pumping my arms hard, legs flying, knees knocking and a good deal of the time I'm tripping over myself as I try to improve. God showed me that even in the things in life where my form is quite clumsy, He still looks on me and smiles at my effort just as I do with my nephew. My desire to improve and do well is sweet to Him. He doesn't hide His face in shame that I'm not measuring up in this area (or any area for that matter) to those around me but rather is so very pleased that I'm trying.

I never thought....

As I was taking an early evening walk with my dog I had a lovely realization that I'm actually starting to get some kind of rhythm in this new life that I'm living right now. As I thought about the fact that I really am living a new life I had a fresh realization of just how big of a deal it is that I quit my job to move to a city where I know no one to be trained in a completely different profession. That thought lead me to the theme of all the things I never thought would happen in my life or the way I never thought my life would be. Here's what it would've sounded like if you had been in my head. I never thought...I would live somewhere other than my hometown...I would live somewhere other than that state I was born in...I would NOT be a teacher...I would still be single and childless by the time of my current age...I would leave the country as many times as I have and even willingly live in another one for more than a month...I would lose a parent before that parent was old enough to see my kids...I would ever get out of a couple periods of depression...I would ever get over a couple heartbreaks...I would be ok with not knowing or having control over the future...I would get past an eating disorder...I would enjoy long distance running...I would be in a place of depth and intimacy that I'm at in my relationship with God.

Some of the things above are a little heavy, some have caused moments of deep grieving for what I want but don't have and some have just flat out surprised me. The beautiful thing is, regardless of which of the 3 above categories my "I never thoughts" fit in they all have the touch of God in them. Depression, heartbreak, healing from eating disorders, my mom's death have all showed me God's comfort and how it touches places of my heart a human can't. It also has lead to a lot of growth and building my faith. Learning to love running, leaving the country and living in another country have created so much enjoyment of the world around me that God has created. I'm learning to enjoy the "I never thoughts"....probably more than I ever thought I would. So I guess you could say I never thought I would enjoy God messing with my plans :)

Life and Death

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were." Romans 4:17 (NIV)
"...who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist." (ESV)

I love re-reading old journal entries. It's such an encouraging reminder of where I've been and where God has taken me. As I read through some entries from April of this year the verse above came up a couple times and has spoken encouragement to my heart this morning. Just thought I would share with you what I said. Maybe it's the encouragement you're needing in the season you're in too.

April 25
I start this entry by referencing the above verse from Romans and go on to say the following:
"It's the same God that calls into being confidence in who He's created me to be as if it already fully existed. He's the God of the death of my insecurity. I love it. I love that I can have confidence in God to help me become more secure in the person He has created me to be.

May 5
(To give you some context, in part of the entry I'm referring to a break-up. When I refer to a "calling" I mean going to counseling school which is what I'm now doing. Again, the paragraph in this entry starts with a reference to Romans 4:17)

"I found myself in awe that even as my relationship last year was dying God was simultaneously working on bringing life in the midst of that death. As a relationship that carried many hopes and expectations died God immediately spoke into life a beautiful calling. He really is the God of the living and the dead. I so look forward to the journey ahead. I sense God has an adventure on the horizon. I'm thankful for how He has graciously walked me through the past 6 or 7 months of questions, frustrations, depression and impatience. I'm grateful that He has grown my trust in Him in regard to the decision-making process. I love that the ending to this time of seeking is actually a beautiful beginning to a new chapter in my life story. Thank you, God."

I don't know where you are in your life right now. Maybe your in a time of seeking, refining, or wrestling. Maybe God is taking something from you that you've held tightly. I hope you're encouraged by the fact that even though God may be bringing death to certain things in your life He will faithfully bring life as well.