For as long as we both shall live...

If you don't recognize the phrase in the title then you clearly haven't been to as many weddings as I have.:) (Just kidding...sort of.) Anyway, it's commonly spoken in a wedding during the vows. Tonight it popped in my head during the sermon at my church. In all honesty, I don't think my pastor was saying anything at all that had anything to do with weddings but this is the analogy that came to mind in reaction to something he said that got my brain working. Don't ask me what exactly he said because, basically, I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that wedding vows with God became the theme in my brain. I began thinking about how in the wedding the bride and groom make certain strong vows to each other. Here is a sample: On this day I affirm the relationship we have enjoyed, looking to the future to deepen and strengthen it. I will be yours in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in failure and in triumph. Together we will dream, will stumble but restore each other, we will share all things, serving each other and our fellow humanity. I will cherish and respect you, comfort and encourage you, be open with you, and stay with you as long as we shall Live, freed and bound by our Love. God spoke to me tonight that this is how He wants each individual relationship with Him to look. He so desires that we would love Him in sickness or health, in plenty and want, in failure and triumph, etc. He aches to dream with us, to walk with us when we stumble and then restore us, and to serve humanity with us. He wants us to cherish and respect Him as He does us. He craves the opportunity to be trusted enough to allow Him to comfort and encourage us, but also for us to be open with Him.....for as long as we shall live. Sadly none of these vows are our human tendency when it comes to God. We're usually with Him in health and angry in sickness, praising Him for the plenty and cursing Him for the want, confident about Him in triumph and suspicious of Him in failure...you get the picture. Here's the clincher. The whole reason He wants us to bind ourselves to Him like this is for the last 6 words of the vow in italics "...freed and bound by our Love".

I'm finally coming to a place in this season of my life where the reality of God as my everything is reaching a new level of depth. Unfortunately, the process to getting there included a lot of vow breaking (so to speak) with not accepting the negatives (like failure and emotional wants). Grateful is an understatement for the feeling I have in regard to how He has stuck with me when I stumbled, as well as for how He continued to cherish, comfort and encourage me in my lowest of moments. I'm overwhelmed by the beautiful reality that my faithlessness has not nullified His faithfulness (Romans 3:3). Thank You, Jesus, for the freedom I have because I am bound by Your love.

Crunchy

When someone has asked me how things are going for me these days one of my favorite descriptors of this season is "crunchy". I can't remember where I picked up using this word (and when I look it up in the dictionary there's no definition that fits the way I use it) but whenever I'm going through a season, circumstance or even a moment that's kind of edgy and not so easy to swallow crunchy is how it feels to me. The past 2 weeks the sermons in church have touched on some of the crunchiness that's going on in my soul. 2 weeks ago one of my pastors was talking about why Christians have such a hard time calling God "Father" or "Abba" or even "Daddy". My pastor mentioned the common reason given is many of us struggle to see God in that way because it seems irreverent (that could be a whole other blog, by the way). While I agree that's a reason that is true for some I also feel like there's something deeper that referring to God so intimately strikes in us. My feeling is we're afraid to approach God so intimately because we're afraid of what that intimacy might do to us. If we really come to God and view Him and His love the same way we would view a father's or a daddy's, what might that make us feel compelled to do to in order to please Him? What might it make us let go of to maintain that intimacy? How might it refocus our attention in order to keep this connection with our Daddy? Basically, how might this kind of intimacy wreck our lives? You know what I'm talking about. You've been there too. You've heard the soft whisper, felt the gentle prodding in the midst of the noise and activity of live. You know good and well it comes from a Father who is just trying to draw you near. And what do we do? What's the alternative to this intimacy that turns life on it's head? Living life running after what our hearts desire without a second thought as to wether it's flesh or Spirit, placing things that could be good in that wretched place of idols that firmly block the path to our Satisfier. We're not really so much afraid to offend God with an informal salutation. We're afraid to offend our flesh with the implication that maybe we've given its voice, along with its motivation for living, a little too much value and attention. I'm learning that it really is such a very good thing to be giving up the things I've put a lot of emphasis on in the recent past to make room for deeper intimacy with God. This stripping away is by no means easy or comfortable but my Father is being ever so gentle with my heart in the process. He is indeed a good Daddy.

I was running! (please read in your best Forest Gump impression:) )

Warning: this blog may initially seem like it doesn't have a point but it does. So make sure you keep reading through all the initial runing stuff. :) )

I went for a run this morning. The miracle in that is I wasn't running a race. I hate running in the morning so about the only time I do it is if I'm in a race. Yet somehow when I woke up I got this crazy idea that I might actually enjoy a run. Besides the fact that it would be a morning run I was suprised at my desire to get out so early because my last run was 30 minutes of wind sucking torture (this irked me greatly because the day before I ran a decent paced 6 miles with little trouble). However, with little thought or hesitation I found myself going straight from PJs to running gear. You can probably guess what happened...the run was great. When I finished and was doing my walking cool down I got the chance to soak in the post-run feeling I love so much--hot, sweaty (not a great look for me, let me tell ya), muscles aching, endorphins rushing, and the feeling that my body had just been cleansed of all the crap I ate the evening before (should've known better than to buy those peanut butter M&Ms!). When I got back in the house I sat down to rest and began wondering what pace I kept throughout the run, and ended up with a lovely realization. It went something like this: "I wonder how fast I was running. I know it wasn't as fast as a few years ago. Then again, I'm not as crazy as I was a few years ago either." This thought made me laugh, and it also gave God a chance to make His point about this morning run.

Alright, so here's the point of the run and this blog.

For the past 4 years running has been very much a spiritual experience for me. Spiritual in the sense that God has shown me many things about myself through running. This morning it was all about learning to listen when He prods me to do something (yes, I believe he prodded me to run this morning...don't necessarily feel like He does that with all details of my life all the time but He did this morning). He may be asking me to do something I've done before and maybe that something left a bad taste in my mouth the last time, but He's asking me to trust that if He's the One leading me there then I can trust it to be ok. Just as my run ended up being great in spite of the circumstances I can trust that whatever He asks me to do will be great in spite of past or present circumstances. The other thing He spoke to me is in regard to that thought process regarding my pace. Now, there are a gazillion lessons packed up in this one that God has taught me about myself but I'll just stick to what He showed me today. 4 years ago I got on a ridiculous running kick that was stimulated by an event that showed me just how much I really don't have control over my life and what happens in it. The result was lots of stress and anxiety, and therefore lots of crazy-paced running. Recently I've been again walking through some things that again show me that I don't have complete control over what happens in my life. Initially the result was stress and anxiety but because of those lessons of the past I was able to handle things healthier quicker than a few years ago; therefore not as much running and certainly not that crazy pace I once enjoyed (yes, I enjoyed it...I'm competitive with myself after all!). God was graciously showing me this morning where I am in the process of being a healthier person and more like the one He intended me to be. It's almost ridiculous to me how much God loves me in this moment. He ever so gently showed me so many lessons through things that I love and brought encouragement to my soul. Doesn't this make you want to go out for a run now? ;)

Are you sure this is the only way to do this?

The question that is my title for this blog is one I'm asking of God these days as He prepares me for a new season. Ya see, I've entered what we in the Christian world like to call "refining". This is the tame term we like to put on a process that is usually quite wretched for the one being refined. I'm thinking about initiating a change in the Christian terminology for this season to a phrase that is more realistic. I vote that instead of using the word "refine" we call this the "season of schizophrenia." Hang with me a second and you'll see it really fits. Schizophrenia is defined as being characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. When I think about my seasons of refinement in the past as well as this current season, this description totally fits. As God begins to show me things inside myself and way of thinking that He wants to change I start out feeling pretty excited to hear His voice and anticipate the change He is about to do that will make me more like Jesus. However, as time goes on I begin to see just how much of my way of thinking is off and also that I really am not as excited to give it up as I thought. This is the withdrawal from reality and illogical pattern of thinking phase. I find myself just wanting to get away from the truth He is showing and I may walk that illogical pattern of thinking that holds onto my beliefs and way as being right. If I hold too tightly to the illogical pattern of thinking or withdraw too long from the reality He's trying to lead me into, I then enter the delusions phase. The delusion usually involves me thinking that I've got it under control and that my way of thinking really will still work just as well as the way of thinking He's trying to transform my mind to. The varying degrees of emotional, behavioral or intellectual disturbances is present throughout the entire process. I may find that one moment I'm so excited that the God of the universe is speaking to me and being near me, and the next moment I may be telling Him to back up off this territory of my heart because He's hurting me a little too much. My behavior can go from one of worship to distancing myself from Him for fear of what He may say or try to change next. I think the intellectual disturbance part is pretty obvious...I'll teeter back and forth from my personal knowledge of His faithfulness to stay with me and the truth that His ways and thoughts are higher than mine to this crazy thought that He's just out to take everything that I hold dear away from me. So you see that schizophrenia and refinement really aren't so far off from each other :) Don't be scared. I have no intention of turning my back on God just because He's doing some crazy tough things inside of me. However I also wanted to be quite bare and naked before you about my struggle in refinement so maybe you would feel the freedom to feel the same way. Luckily for us all God is able to handle our wrestling. I may be "schizophrenic" in my walk about 50% of the time right now but the other 50% of me is fully hopeful that this season will make me better able to walk in the season that's coming soon.

Bigger than Me

Friday night a good friend and I went to listen to a band from Toronto called Red Rain. I'd never heard of them but liked them right away. A line from one of their songs hit me. It was simply this: "This is way, way, way, way, way bigger than me." It got sutck in my head partially because of the obvious repetition. They sung that line 3 times in 30 seconds at one point which means I heard the word "way" quite a bit. It was fitting for them to say that word in particular so much. Think about it--why do we repeat things? We do it to make sure the listener gets it that this is a main or important point. It's a way of conveying the magnitude of something. In the case of this song and this line, the writers/singers were trying to make it understood that this life we live in and that God is authoring isn't just big; it's not just a little bigger than my little self (and all my little dreams, desires, problems, etc); it's way, way, way, way, way bigger than me. On a smaller "me" scale I received some comfort in that. I was reminded that in the midst of the loads of questions I have for God about why He has orchestrated my life the way He has the past several months, the reasons are bigger than just me. Partly because His reason for doing things hasn't been done in the vacuum of my life alone (meaning His actions are a result of His work in the lives of others around me), and partly because His modus operandi is for His glory (which happens to be way, way, way, way, way over my head). On a more global scale, His unfathomable ways comfort me as I read through a book that completely exposes (in detail) the pain of girls caught in the viscious cycle of sex traffiking, loss of innocence of Ugandan children forced to murder, the hopelessness of men and women forced into back-breaking labor to pay an unpayable debt and the stark, seemingly unstoppable evil of the oppressors. Though sometimes I really don't get God's thought processes when it comes to my own pain or the pain of others, I do have a baseline trust in His love. So I'm glad to know that in the midst of all the unexplainable crap of this world I can lean on the truth that it and He are way, way, way, way, way bigger than me.

Ah-ha Moment

Don't you love light bulb moments from God? I had such a one this past Saturday. It had been a long week for me emotionally (for lots of reasons that I'll spare details on for brevity sake) and I had just gotten off work. I was feeling like it may be best for me to be around people as opposed to being in my house all evening, letting my mind get sucked into that not so helpful cycle of analyzing and over-analyzing. Only one problem...didn't seem to be anyone to hang out with. I made a few phone calls and sent a couple texts with the result being unavailable people or just having to leave voice mails in the hope of a return call. It was a beautiful (and that may be an understatement) afternoon and I had already decided I was going to take my new bike out for its first ride so I figured that would give people time to call me back, and it would keep me from having to wait in my house where the viscious analyzation cycle takes place. So I hopped onto my bike and headed north on the monon. For several blocks (ok, so all the way from 51st street to about 106th) I was kind of in a negative mode of thinking and really not getting full enjoyment from the ride. I was having a nice pity party for the fact that I didn't seem to have any friends (yes, an exaggeration). At about 106th street I ran into the park that had been in progress of being built the last time I was in the area (quite a while ago) and was now finished. I welcomed the new thing to explore and got off the monon to head through the park. As I was riding I began to really take in just how gorgeous the day was, how perfect the temperature was, and how this little park made me truely feel like I was out in God's creation. And then I caught myself thinking the following thought..."I wish I had someone to share this with." And not a split second later came the response from God..."What about Me?" Ouch! That question was followed by an explanation from Him that He had actually created that moment for me. The amazing day, the new bike to take out for a ride, getting off work early enough to enjoy being outside, how being outside just spoke to and resonated with my spirit...He'd created all of it for that space of time for me to enjoy...with Him. All of a sudden I re-realized that lesson I mentioned in a recent blog about how God has been speaking to me through Romans 12:2 and how my mind needs to be transformed and renewed. It clicked just how much I conform to the pattern of this world that I must have a human being to share all meaningful experiences with. Yet here my God was showing me that He knows my heart, what I love, the things that refresh me and He wants to not only give those things to me but He wants to SHARE them with me. The rest of that ride had a totally different feel to it. There was a different level of enjoyment to it and I became ok with the possibility that the rest of the evening may not be spent in the presence of another person, but rather it might just be spent chilling and relaxing with my God. It was certainly a nice ah-ha and one I look forward to God speaking more to in the coming days and weeks.

Are we there yet???

When I was growing up my family and I went on vacations every summer to somewhere in the USA. Since we're a family of 5 we didn't fly...we always drove. That made for a LOT of driving when travelling to places like Colorado. My sisters and I were the typical impatient car travellers (and if you've ever driven through Kansas you would know why), frequently asking the ever common "Are we there yet?" and "How much longer?" type of questions. My dad's response most times was on the lines of this "Sit back, relax, enjoy the ride and I'll tell you when we get there." A few years ago or so I was struggling with something that involved me not knowing answers about what was coming in the future. I can't remember the specific situation, but I do know for sure I wasn't doing so well with the waiting God was having me do. I know I was going to Him with similar questions of "how much longer" while also using the same whiny voice I used with my dad when I was trying to get him to give me answers regarding the proximity to our destination. As I was struggling with the waiting God reminded me of my dad's response. And then He made it clear that my dad's response was the same one that applied to my journey with Him. Well, I'm back on a journey of waiting again. I have brewing within me a significant restlessness that I really don't know what to do with. I believe I've started on a new journey to something new, and I'm yet again asking God "how much longer" before I get some new direction or instructions. And He's yet again giving me the same answer...."sit back, relax, enjoy the ride and I'll tell you when we get there". I'd like to say that after hearing God tell me that multiple times as I've entered new seasons in the last 5 years that I'm doing a good job sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the journey but I would be betraying my blog title if I said that. But then, tomorrow is a fresh day with a fresh start and a fresh attempt at enjoying the journey, and He did say His mercies are new every morning...so there's hope for me yet:)