Wabaday

Wabaday...not just fun to say, also the name of the street I'll be living on in a little over a week. I was looking on Covenant's website for housing opportunities when I came across it. I was actually looking at it for the 2nd or 3rd time to see if there were options I had ruled out that I might need to stop being picky about and start considering. Then I came across this particular ad that hadn't been there the last time I had looked. I called the number listed and that night found myself on Wabaday looking at a 2 bedroom house for a rent that was ridiculously too good to be true. As I talked to the owner of the house it became more and more evident that this was the provision God had been asking me to wait on. For starters, the owner informed me that he and his wife had been praying for the past 2 weeks about what to do with the house since it had been on the market all summer and not selling. Interestingly enough it was exactly 2 weeks ago that my apartment fire occurred leaving me with the dilemma of where to live. The 2nd sign of God's provision is kind of a minor detail but nonetheless fun for me. I had painted my kitchen, was in the process of painting another room and had the color picked out for my livingroom before having to make the decision to not stay. I was a little bummed because I loved the color schemes I had chosen. Then I walk into this house and wouldn't you know it but the kitchen and livingroom where both painted the colors I had chosen and the extra room was painted very close to the same blue I had chosen. So there it is ladies and gentleman. God at His finest doing exactly what He was asking me to trust Him to do...surprise me with His provision.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

I wish you could've been in my head today. I'm pretty sure you would've left at the end of the day thinking "schizophrenic". Today was orientation at Covenant Seminary. I had the sense of "I'm really going to do this" mixed with "This is exactly where I'm supposed to be" all at once. It was lovely. I was excited. It wasn't going to last. As we sat through orientation one of the professors pointed out that for the first month and a half we would have the same emotions one had when they went to church camp as a teenager. It's that feeling of elation at getting to study the word, making exciting discoveries about God and self, and getting to spend so much time around other believers who are equally excited to both grow in the faith and be a resource to others as they grow in their faith. He followed this comparison by saying "Then on about September 20th it's going to end." Now, I'm not naive. I had already figured out that the excitement I was feeling was part of the newness of it all and that it was probably going to end at some point. I just didn't expect it to end 4 or 5 hours after he made the comment. I figured I had at least a month, ya know. Be that as it may, I did not. The reason for the low after the high was related to circumstances totally unrelated to school and it wasn't even that big of a deal. Yet it still set the stage for God to remind me that I had a choice to make. He was reminding me of what He spoke last week---that He wanted the chance to surprise me with His provision---and He was calling me back to that decision I had made to trust Him. The bonus round of this challenge is He was calling me to trust that in the midst of my low. So as I finished my run up I told God I'm still all in, He just may have to give me a little more of an idea of what it looks like to trust Him when it comes to this situation with my apartment.

In other news, God did show me a way He has provided that was unexpected. I received a notification from my gas company in Indy saying they had miscalculated how much I was supposed to be paying monthly and they actually owed me $151. What THEY don't know is they probably figured it up exactly right (because the house I lived in was older and not the most stellar in the area of insulation) but God decided to use that venue as a reminder that He has all sorts of ways He can provide for me over the next 3 years. It's up to me to see it for what it is....another words, more than coincidence, more than a mistake that someone else has made (the gas co. in this case), more than an accident.

Alright, God.

Learning to be surprised by God

A while back I mentioned in a blog that I was waiting to hear back from a seminary if I had been accepted to their counseling program. Well, I was and I'm officially in St. Louis awaiting fall semester to start. But don't get the idea that just because classes haven't started that school isn't already in session. Oh no. Classes in the school of life are very much ongoing right now. The current class: faith; the current lesson: letting God surprise me. This lesson was initiated my last week in Indy. I was packing up my house to leave, making arrangements for who would drive down with me, arranging with the school for help on the St. Louis side to unload my van, while also coordinating those final hang out times. I thought I was doing a pretty darn good job being organized balancing these different aspects of preparing to move. And then life happened. A beautiful woman of God who had been graciously walking the journey of cancer was mercifully released from her battle and no doubt swept into the arms of Jesus. Lovely for her, sucky for the rest of us. Her funeral was scheduled for the day I initially intended to leave. I had absolutely no trouble making the decision to stay the extra day to celebrate the glory of God through her life---I don't hold quite that tightly to the plans I've made. However, all of a sudden my brain was in a tailspin about how I was going to pack my moving van while at a funeral, who was going to drive down with me (far fewer people were able to go down on Sunday versus the original Saturday) and questioning if there would be anyone on the other end to help unload (that was especially stressful knowing there were fewer people able to drive down with me). To add to that, my moving van of choice (Uhaul) was not cooperating with the whole "hold the reservation" thing and at one point I was certain I did not have a van to move my things from one state to the next. In the midst of the chaos flowing through my brain and the acid flowing in my stomach God spoke. Somehow through that mess He was able to get a message through to my heart. The message: "Give Me a chance to surprise you with My provision." He was asking me to lay down the stress and the constant running of my mind in order to let Him pull everything together. It would appear I didn't pass this test because now, 2 weeks later, I've been given a retake of the test. Yesterday evening I experienced the joy of an electrical fire in my apartment. Minimal damage but serious enough of an issue that I'm going to have to move. As I packed up my stuff to go to a hotel last night my mind started again with the chaos and my stomach with the acid. My beautifully planned week before starting school next week was going down the toilet. As I scrutinized over any possible solution to my dilemma the Teacher spoke up and helped me cheat a bit..."Give Me a chance to surprise you with My provision." It hit me that the same lesson was in progress, class was very much not dismissed and I had a chance to improve the results from the last time this test was presented to me. I really have no idea how to not plan in order to provide for myself but I guess that's what faith is anyway; choosing to trust the unseen over that which can be seen. As I muddle through this one I'll try to keep you updated on how God works. I know in my heart that it could be quite exciting and fun so I'm determined to learn how to let God do His thing. Should be interesting!

The Tricky Season of Peace

For the past 2 weeks I've been quite consciously aware of a deep and lovely peace resting on my spirit. If you've followed any of my blog entries over the past 5-6 months you will have picked up on a good deal of wrestling as God has taken me on a journey of transforming and renewing my mind. This weekend it seems more evident to me that there has been a shift inside. I'm not daily having the mental and emotional battles with God, I'm not constantly questioning what's coming next (even though I'm still waiting for a seminary in St. Louis to decide if they'll have me or not), and the Jacob-like wrestling match with God has been settled (yes, I do indeed have quite the limp too--but I'm ok with that). I really can't put into words just how grateful I am to God for how He has closely walked with me into this lovely place. In the same way I'm aware of how my spirit has been given the space to relax I'm noticing something else. In the season of schizophrenia, aka refinement (see my entry "Are you sure this is the only way to do this?" for an explanation on that one) there are certain benefits. In that place I'm more alert to the enemy's strategy, sensitive to God's voice, humbled at His feet and calling out more consistently for more of Him. It even makes me more outwardly focused because I want people who are in their own wilderness to know they have God to love them through it. This season of peace can be strangely tricky because my spirit relaxes a little (quite thankfully, by the way), but then I find myself dropping my guard. Things in the world start to feel right again and I kind of forget a little that I need Jesus every bit as much and more. I seem to kind of forget that others are still in a wilderness and need Jesus to get them through it. As I sat in a church service yesterday listening to a message about the wilderness, God gave me the gentle reminder that the pressure may be off but I'm still not allowed to get sucked into pursuing the desires of my heart over God. Jesus must still stay above those things. During a time of quiet in the service I made a conscious decision to remember that God is still the only One who fully satisfies the deepest needs of my soul. I made the decision to choose to continue to ask for more and more of Him even though the need for Him doesn't feel as pressing as it does in the schizophrenia season of life. Yep, seasons of peace can be tricky but I'm willing to learn the balance of living with the awareness of the wilderness season but with the peace and rest that I'm enjoying right now.

For as long as we both shall live...

If you don't recognize the phrase in the title then you clearly haven't been to as many weddings as I have.:) (Just kidding...sort of.) Anyway, it's commonly spoken in a wedding during the vows. Tonight it popped in my head during the sermon at my church. In all honesty, I don't think my pastor was saying anything at all that had anything to do with weddings but this is the analogy that came to mind in reaction to something he said that got my brain working. Don't ask me what exactly he said because, basically, I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that wedding vows with God became the theme in my brain. I began thinking about how in the wedding the bride and groom make certain strong vows to each other. Here is a sample: On this day I affirm the relationship we have enjoyed, looking to the future to deepen and strengthen it. I will be yours in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in failure and in triumph. Together we will dream, will stumble but restore each other, we will share all things, serving each other and our fellow humanity. I will cherish and respect you, comfort and encourage you, be open with you, and stay with you as long as we shall Live, freed and bound by our Love. God spoke to me tonight that this is how He wants each individual relationship with Him to look. He so desires that we would love Him in sickness or health, in plenty and want, in failure and triumph, etc. He aches to dream with us, to walk with us when we stumble and then restore us, and to serve humanity with us. He wants us to cherish and respect Him as He does us. He craves the opportunity to be trusted enough to allow Him to comfort and encourage us, but also for us to be open with Him.....for as long as we shall live. Sadly none of these vows are our human tendency when it comes to God. We're usually with Him in health and angry in sickness, praising Him for the plenty and cursing Him for the want, confident about Him in triumph and suspicious of Him in failure...you get the picture. Here's the clincher. The whole reason He wants us to bind ourselves to Him like this is for the last 6 words of the vow in italics "...freed and bound by our Love".

I'm finally coming to a place in this season of my life where the reality of God as my everything is reaching a new level of depth. Unfortunately, the process to getting there included a lot of vow breaking (so to speak) with not accepting the negatives (like failure and emotional wants). Grateful is an understatement for the feeling I have in regard to how He has stuck with me when I stumbled, as well as for how He continued to cherish, comfort and encourage me in my lowest of moments. I'm overwhelmed by the beautiful reality that my faithlessness has not nullified His faithfulness (Romans 3:3). Thank You, Jesus, for the freedom I have because I am bound by Your love.

Crunchy

When someone has asked me how things are going for me these days one of my favorite descriptors of this season is "crunchy". I can't remember where I picked up using this word (and when I look it up in the dictionary there's no definition that fits the way I use it) but whenever I'm going through a season, circumstance or even a moment that's kind of edgy and not so easy to swallow crunchy is how it feels to me. The past 2 weeks the sermons in church have touched on some of the crunchiness that's going on in my soul. 2 weeks ago one of my pastors was talking about why Christians have such a hard time calling God "Father" or "Abba" or even "Daddy". My pastor mentioned the common reason given is many of us struggle to see God in that way because it seems irreverent (that could be a whole other blog, by the way). While I agree that's a reason that is true for some I also feel like there's something deeper that referring to God so intimately strikes in us. My feeling is we're afraid to approach God so intimately because we're afraid of what that intimacy might do to us. If we really come to God and view Him and His love the same way we would view a father's or a daddy's, what might that make us feel compelled to do to in order to please Him? What might it make us let go of to maintain that intimacy? How might it refocus our attention in order to keep this connection with our Daddy? Basically, how might this kind of intimacy wreck our lives? You know what I'm talking about. You've been there too. You've heard the soft whisper, felt the gentle prodding in the midst of the noise and activity of live. You know good and well it comes from a Father who is just trying to draw you near. And what do we do? What's the alternative to this intimacy that turns life on it's head? Living life running after what our hearts desire without a second thought as to wether it's flesh or Spirit, placing things that could be good in that wretched place of idols that firmly block the path to our Satisfier. We're not really so much afraid to offend God with an informal salutation. We're afraid to offend our flesh with the implication that maybe we've given its voice, along with its motivation for living, a little too much value and attention. I'm learning that it really is such a very good thing to be giving up the things I've put a lot of emphasis on in the recent past to make room for deeper intimacy with God. This stripping away is by no means easy or comfortable but my Father is being ever so gentle with my heart in the process. He is indeed a good Daddy.

I was running! (please read in your best Forest Gump impression:) )

Warning: this blog may initially seem like it doesn't have a point but it does. So make sure you keep reading through all the initial runing stuff. :) )

I went for a run this morning. The miracle in that is I wasn't running a race. I hate running in the morning so about the only time I do it is if I'm in a race. Yet somehow when I woke up I got this crazy idea that I might actually enjoy a run. Besides the fact that it would be a morning run I was suprised at my desire to get out so early because my last run was 30 minutes of wind sucking torture (this irked me greatly because the day before I ran a decent paced 6 miles with little trouble). However, with little thought or hesitation I found myself going straight from PJs to running gear. You can probably guess what happened...the run was great. When I finished and was doing my walking cool down I got the chance to soak in the post-run feeling I love so much--hot, sweaty (not a great look for me, let me tell ya), muscles aching, endorphins rushing, and the feeling that my body had just been cleansed of all the crap I ate the evening before (should've known better than to buy those peanut butter M&Ms!). When I got back in the house I sat down to rest and began wondering what pace I kept throughout the run, and ended up with a lovely realization. It went something like this: "I wonder how fast I was running. I know it wasn't as fast as a few years ago. Then again, I'm not as crazy as I was a few years ago either." This thought made me laugh, and it also gave God a chance to make His point about this morning run.

Alright, so here's the point of the run and this blog.

For the past 4 years running has been very much a spiritual experience for me. Spiritual in the sense that God has shown me many things about myself through running. This morning it was all about learning to listen when He prods me to do something (yes, I believe he prodded me to run this morning...don't necessarily feel like He does that with all details of my life all the time but He did this morning). He may be asking me to do something I've done before and maybe that something left a bad taste in my mouth the last time, but He's asking me to trust that if He's the One leading me there then I can trust it to be ok. Just as my run ended up being great in spite of the circumstances I can trust that whatever He asks me to do will be great in spite of past or present circumstances. The other thing He spoke to me is in regard to that thought process regarding my pace. Now, there are a gazillion lessons packed up in this one that God has taught me about myself but I'll just stick to what He showed me today. 4 years ago I got on a ridiculous running kick that was stimulated by an event that showed me just how much I really don't have control over my life and what happens in it. The result was lots of stress and anxiety, and therefore lots of crazy-paced running. Recently I've been again walking through some things that again show me that I don't have complete control over what happens in my life. Initially the result was stress and anxiety but because of those lessons of the past I was able to handle things healthier quicker than a few years ago; therefore not as much running and certainly not that crazy pace I once enjoyed (yes, I enjoyed it...I'm competitive with myself after all!). God was graciously showing me this morning where I am in the process of being a healthier person and more like the one He intended me to be. It's almost ridiculous to me how much God loves me in this moment. He ever so gently showed me so many lessons through things that I love and brought encouragement to my soul. Doesn't this make you want to go out for a run now? ;)