Glory and Depravity

Did you know for the past 12 years the weather on this day (Sept. 27th) has been exactly the same? I did. I know because the weather 12 years ago today will forever be imprinted on my mind. It is a memory of perfect blue skies, clear sunshine and pleasant fall temperatures that accompanied the most torturous 45 minute drive I had ever made from campus to my childhood home. It was not more than an hour before that drive that I was being pulled out of my physics class at IU by a campus policeman only to be led to a phone where my dad waited on the other end with news that my mom had died. It's still amazing to me how that morning is full of the dichotomy of glory and depravity that characterizes this life on earth. How could it be that just that morning I felt the glory of God as His peace filled me in my prayer of surrender to His will for my mom; that whether He chose to heal her body by restoring it to health or freeing her from it to be in His presence I would accept it? How could I make the very same drive back home gasping for breath, straining through tears as I felt the full weight of depravity in cancer taking my mom victim at a young age? How could God's glory be shown so clearly in the beauty of the weather that day while the depravity of death touched me to the core of my being with an ache I had never experienced before? Even today as I walked in the same perfect blue skies, clear sunshine and pleasant fall temperatures I was in the midst of that dichotomy of glory and depravity, as I processed the glory of His redeeming work in my story combined with the depravity of the broken parts of it that still remain. I almost feel that the way God recreates the same perfect weather every year on this very day is what the rainbow was to Noah. It is my promise from God that in the end His glory will always outweigh the depravity.

There will come a day...

As I made my 3 1/2 hour drive from Missouri to Indiana yesterday I came across 2 songs that talked about the physical healing that would one day be a reality for all believers once we're in the Father's presence. It struck me that the focus in these songs, as well as many others, is usually on the healing of the physical. What about the emotional? What about the healing of our identities to be what God intended for us to be when He spoke us into being? These thoughts came as a result of some tough counseling sessions. My counselor and I have been digging into some deeply rooted things that influence who I am and how I relate to others. I found myself despairing, wondering if I was ever going to be free of these things and be able to interact with others on a healthier level. Listening to these songs of healing in the Father's presence made me long for the day when I would be completely free of worry of the opinions of others, able to love with no strings attached, capable of receiving from those who love me without questioning their motives and able to simply be who God created me to be without being afraid of it. I thought of how this is how it must have been for Adam before the fall. Then God brought to mind Psalm 139 and those words "fearfully and wonderfully made" that have echoed in my spirit for several years now. I believe before Adam and Eve made the choice to take things into their own hands that they were able to be who God had created them to be freely, without fear or insecurity and with boldness. I believe they were able to be in the Father's presence and praise God Creator for exactly how and who He had created them to be. Such beautiful and encouraging thoughts for me as I seek to heal from and let go of the things that have detracted from God's original intent for me and embrace who I'm meant to be.

Healing Relationships

The Lord God said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
Genesis 2:18

When God spoke these words at the beginning of time the result was a wife for Adam. Many of us who are still single at an older age than anticipated cling to that sentence "It is not good for man to be alone". It's a sentence of hope and a potential foretelling that we may still get what we long for. Yet that's not the reason this verse came to mind this morning. The depth of truth that comes with the reality that it's not good for us to be alone has hit me on a different level. One of the big things I've been working through in my counseling sessions lately has been in regard to my fears and insecurities in relationship. The fear can be so great sometimes that I will choose to not speak up even when I'm feeling hurt by someone close to me. Speaking up may offend that friend and drive them away, revealing that the friendship wasn't as solid as I had initially thought. Unfortunately the same mentality occurs when I find close friends disagreeing with me (for whatever reason). I automatically begin to fear that because they're rejecting my opinion about something they must also be rejecting who I am as a person as well. This approach can take a lot of joy out of being in relationship with people. When all you do is spend time assessing what someone is thinking about you throughout your entire interaction you tend to miss out on the beauty of that person or the intimacy of the relationship you have with them. So, in discussing this in a counseling session my counselor inquired if I had ever just come out and asked a friend if they were offended by something I had said or how they interpreted it or me. The very idea scared me to death. After all, what if my worst fears were confirmed? What if they had taken my words negatively? What if they really didn't like a certain part of who I was? By the end of the session my counselor and I had decided I probably wasn't ready to take such a step of vulnerability in my close relationships. God had something else in mind. I was sitting at a winery with 2 women who have taken a very special place in my heart in my journey through counseling school. I truly feel as though God has knit this friendship together for this season (and hopefully many more to come) of life. As we sat and talked one of them asked a question (I can't remember what it was) that was somewhat related to my fears that I had been discussing in counseling. Before I knew it, I was spilling my guts and telling them about my fears and anxieties in relationship, including the fears I had about being rejected by them. Wonder of wonders, these lovely ladies did not reject me, put me down, or tell me all the things they thought were crazy about me. No. Instead they reaffirmed who I was and reminded me of how deeply they care about who I am. The next counseling session I relayed to my counselor with awe the interaction. My heart felt lighter and freer that I was able to express these fears and find that they were, in fact, unfounded. The Holy Spirit used this relationship to bring a bit of healing to my soul. I wonder how many there are in this world lacking in this kind of relationship. How many of the rejected, downtrodden, depressed, anxious, drug addicted, oppressed, promiscuous, lonely, sexually abused and insecure people in this world are in desperate need of such healing relationships? I believe that seeking out these people and loving them into places of healing is exactly what Jesus was setting the stage for His followers to do.

Sanctification

Make no mistake, counseling school is not for the faint of heart. I knew that coming to seminary and entering training for counseling would have a component of self-revelation. I think I may have underestimated just how much self-revelation there would be. I mean, what did I think I was going to get away with if I was going to be required to go to counseling as a requirement for graduation? I'm in a season of "reality check". Lately God has been speaking to me on so much of my stuff that I've had moments where I just wanted to say, "Forget it! I'm fine the way I am." It's been pretty intense. Why am I so surprised by this? God has always accepted me for the broken person I am and this doesn't change that His love for me is unconditional, but He also loves me too much to let me get away with continuing on blindly in my brokenness. I'm grateful for this, but it's still a little wretched.

Get me outta here!

I'm reading through the New Testament for one of my classes this semester and started Mark this morning. It's only chapter one and twice there have been references to Jesus going to "lonely" or "solitary" places. I like to think Jesus was a bit of an introvert:) But that's probably only because I am and that makes my introvertedness seem holy:) Seriously, I did have a new epiphany as I read this today. I was thinking about the reality that Jesus had not too long ago come from heaven where He was in the Father's very presence. Meaning the closeness and intimacy we long to have with God was full and complete reality for Him. I can't even imagine! Now He's on earth. He has a job to do. Half the time the disciples are asking Him crazy questions every other parable ("I don't get it!", they're constantly saying) and the other half of the time critics are asking Him crazy questions to trap Him. People are constantly tugging on His sleeve (literally) for a healing, He can't cast out a demon without having to chastise it to not reveal His identity too soon, and then there's that whole deal about people trying to kill Him before it's actually time. This is what He has in exchange for being in the actual presence of the almighty God who is Love. I began to think about my struggle to be quiet before the Lord. I don't have anywhere near the distraction of people trying to kill me or masses of people constantly up in my business for a physical healing or a good lesson. As a matter of fact, being in seminary has actually created more time for me to be in the Lord's presence than when I was working full time. Yet I still struggle to get myself there. At the same time, I think about the amazing reality that Jesus walked this earth knowing exactly how it felt to be in the physical presence of the Father. I think this is another reason why it was so easy for Him to want to seek out time with His Father. He knew what it was like to have perfect intimacy with Him. That thought alone stirs me to want more of that intimacy as well. I don't feel I've adequately put into words how this notion has stirred me this morning. I wish I had a more complete understanding/experience of the potential of having this kind of intimacy with God. I have no question it would revolutionize my life.

(In case you're wondering about the blog title, I imagined that every time Jesus had just spent time ministering to a large crowd that in His head He was thinking "Get me outta here!" and then rushing away to solitude with God at the first possible moment. Again, it's what my introvert mind would be thinking so I like to think maybe Jesus got that too :) )

Confessions of a Target-aholic

Have you ever seen the movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic"? Quite funny. I had a mental image today of a scene in the movie where the main character is going to a sale. This is after she's found out she's in thousands of dollars of debt from her shopping addiction. She's recently lost her job and found a new job and is vowing to get on track with her spending...and then the sale comes along. In the scene she's in the midst of hundreds of women going nuts over all the name brands and prices. The main character is attempting to use some restraint. She sees the amazing gloves she must have and quickly justifies that because she has hands she must buy them. "I'll buy these and only these!", she declares. When it's all said and done you see her in her bedroom amidst multiple sacks filled with multiple purchases that she never intended to buy. And now you know what it looks like for me to shop at Target. I went to Target this evening to buy a needed pair of snow boots, deodorant and soap. I left Target with snow boots, deodorant, soap, 6 running shirts, 4 pajama shirts, 2 packages (meaning 3 packs in each) of gum, and a package of toothbrush heads. Oh, and 2 boxes of hot cocoa and 2 cans of whip cream. As I walked out I pictured myself picking up the snow boots and shouting "I'll buy these and only these." Part of me has to laugh at myself at the mental image and comparison. I by no means fit the description of a shopping addict. Anyone who knows me well can verify this (I actually abhor shopping most of the time.) And I know I could go off onto some pretty deep tangents filled with analogies and metaphors about always trying to get things we don't need but I don't feel like it tonight. Instead I'll leave it where it is and let you go deeper if you so choose. Maybe I'll get more philosophical in the next entry. :)

Except...

“Solomon showed his love for the Lord by walking according to the statutes of his father David, except that he offered sacrifices and burned incense on the high places.” 1 Kings 3:3

I never stop being amazed that Solomon did so well in the beginning in binding himself to God and His law. He showed humility in asking God for wisdom instead of riches, built the temple with diligence and prayed a beautiful prayer of dedication when the temple was complete. He walked in the way of the Lord’s statutes because he loved the Lord, except… All it took was one “except” and he was on the road to straying from God. It didn’t affect only his reign but set the stage for a long line of descendants who would love the Lord except…

I know that Solomon is human so the fact that he erred isn’t the greatest of all shocks. However, that word “except” still bugs me. It bugs me because the Lord was incredibly faithful to Solomon and blessed him far and away beyond what He did for David. So how can there be an “except”? When I really meditate on this passage, stop focusing on Solomon and turn inward I realize the “except” bothers me because I, too, am guilty of it. I love the Lord and I can honestly say that love grows as time goes on. I’m amazed at His faithfulness in times of uncertainty and depression, except…I still have a critical spirit, I try to force my plans on God (and even attempt to say they’re God’s plans), negotiate my obedience (saying I’ll do what You say if You do what I’ll say), get apathetic about my relationship with Him—the list could go on longer than I care to admit. I hate that “except”.