So maybe that's what faith is...

As you've probably noticed from my last couple of blogs God is doing some speaking and refining in me these days. As rough as it has been some days and moments I'm excited to be hearing the voice of God speak so clearly so frequently right now. The moments when I haven't been so excited involve moments when I'm highly frustrated, anxious and even just a little mad when I don't quite see the fruit of my obedience to His specific commands to me. I am the impatient sort, no doubt. (If I'm told to do something, especially if God told me, then I expect a result. Not necessarily a bad expectation but my problem comes when I put a timeline on the result. But that's really a different blog.) I want to see God move in response to my obedience to Him. But because He's not responding here recently in the timeline I anticipated I've been frustrated down to the deepest parts of my soul. My response to that has been going to sisters in Christ that I can trust for good counsel, lots of prayer, more prayer and meditation in the Word. Even after that I've still found myself crying out for God to move before I lose it altogether. This was especially bad last night. It was to the point where the only thing I could say was "Do something quick God!" As my day went on today I was blessed by the distraction of work. And by the time I got home I noticed a calm in my spirit. As I thought back over the day, the previous evening and other moments of frustration in the past couple days I had a realiztion. Even though I was really battling with my flesh I never left being obedient to what God has told me to do so far. I realized that even though I was crying out, I was also walking in faith. It occurred to me that my view of faith is largely a vision of people who hear God and quietly accept His commands and are able to surrender all their anxieties to Him after maybe a small battle. Whoever said that it's not faith if you have to struggle, get frustrated and do a whole lot of crying out? In some ways, I think staying faithful in those moments when you're flesh is screaming to do the opposite may be more purely faith than when it comes without quite as much of a struggle. I'm encouraged. Thank You Jesus.

Taste and See

In the devotional I did this morning the reference is Luke 8:26-39. It's the story of Jesus casting out of a man a legion of demons, and sending them into a herd of pigs that then plunged to their death. As the people in the nearby town heard what Jesus had done verse 37 states "...the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear." I don't know about you but whenever I read that verse I wonder why they were afraid. Why would they ask the Son of God to leave when they had just seen a work of his healing and freeing power in one of their own? My journey with God this week shows I've been a bit of a hypocrite toward the Gerasenes people. This week God has challenged me in regard to something in my "possession" (and I use that word loosely...especially after this week). It's something that's perfectly fine, not evil or intended for evil. Yet as I saw Jesus approaching this thing of mine from a distance I all of a sudden found myself overcome with fear. Like the Gerasenes people I wanted to ask Him to leave. Thankfully He didn't, but it took me a day or 2 to open my hands and stop grasping what was in my possession so Jesus could take a look and see how I was handling it. Through spending much time in His presence God showed me many things about what I was holding, bringing healing and freedom through truth. The whole process made me take a good hard look at how I view God, His love for me and His goodness. This morning after I read the previous mentioned passage I decided to do a word study on "good", in the context of God being good. I came across Psalm 34:8 which says "Taste and see that the Lord is good...". This lead to some thoughts. First off, this concept of tasting indicates an active experience of Him. If I want to know a food is good to me I'm not going to base that only on the presentation of the food or someone elses response to it. I can't tell it's good just by standing at a distance and observing. Instead, I'm going to take a risk, taste it, and experience it for myself. The same with Jesus. I can stand at a distance and see what He's doing for others and say it's good, but I can't know that about Jesus in my own life until I engage myself in experiencing Him. Just as with food, there's a risk. With food I don't know what taste is going to hit my tongue, and with Jesus I don't know what experiences I'll get on my way to seeing that He is indeed good. So I'm now holding much more loosely this thing in my life that I've allowed God to get fully involved in. I'm choosing to let Him be totally in the middle of it and to do with it what He will. I'm still not sure what experiences are going to come to me as I continue to surrender it to Him but I do know that in the end I will taste and see that He is good.

Housecleaning

I have a confession. I have a bad habit. A habit of letting the cleanliness of my house slip to the point where the grime and dust actually make me feel uncomfortable being there. Recently my house had gotten to that point. I'm sure in the previous weeks (since the last cleaning) I had plenty of opportunities to prevent things from getting to this point but I always had a reason not to..."I'm too busy", "This is my only day off and I want to use it to rest", or "I just don't want to." Yeah, just not a big fan of housecleaning. This week something happened that lit a fire under my butt. My landlords are trying to sell the house and someone wanted to come look at it. Since I think my landlords are great and I know they want this house off their hands I all of a sudden had some new motivation to clean. As I got the process started of cleaning crumbs off the kitchen counter and organizing the clutter on tables an anticipation started to bud. As I wiped down mirrors and began to sweep, the possibilities of a clean house began to grow. And as I finally finshed the task of mopping all my hardwood floors the reality of cleanliness finally set in. When I finished I remember thinking "Things feel so good when they're organized and in their place."

Recently I've been playing and replaying a song by Sanctus Real called "Whatever You're Doing". There's a line that goes "It's time to face up. Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out." Just like I had to face up to the fact that I needed to clean my house to help it be more marketable for my landlords I've reached a point in the past week where I had to face the fact that some things inside me needed cleaning. Over the years (I don't know how many years) I allowed some very obstructing dirt and grime gather in places in my heart. It was subtle and it was gradual...kinda like the dust on my hardwood floors. Just like the process of cleaning my house this time around, a motivating factor lit a fire in my heart that there was work to do. This time however, the work isn't mine. Jesus is the one doing the cleaning. He's gently yet firmly revealing to me the places the dirt has settled and what kind of dirt it is. He's showing me how to face up to it and what is necessary to clean it up. Even after 2 days of this heart cleaning I'm amazed at how much cleaner and lighter things feel inside of me. Things are getting organized and put in their place...and it feels good. I'm starting to be able to breathe and let it out. I'm aware that Jesus isn't done heart cleaning. There's still some residual dust and dirt underneath some places in my heart that needs to be dealt with. But it's ever so worth the work to get everything back in the place God intended it.