So maybe that's what faith is...

As you've probably noticed from my last couple of blogs God is doing some speaking and refining in me these days. As rough as it has been some days and moments I'm excited to be hearing the voice of God speak so clearly so frequently right now. The moments when I haven't been so excited involve moments when I'm highly frustrated, anxious and even just a little mad when I don't quite see the fruit of my obedience to His specific commands to me. I am the impatient sort, no doubt. (If I'm told to do something, especially if God told me, then I expect a result. Not necessarily a bad expectation but my problem comes when I put a timeline on the result. But that's really a different blog.) I want to see God move in response to my obedience to Him. But because He's not responding here recently in the timeline I anticipated I've been frustrated down to the deepest parts of my soul. My response to that has been going to sisters in Christ that I can trust for good counsel, lots of prayer, more prayer and meditation in the Word. Even after that I've still found myself crying out for God to move before I lose it altogether. This was especially bad last night. It was to the point where the only thing I could say was "Do something quick God!" As my day went on today I was blessed by the distraction of work. And by the time I got home I noticed a calm in my spirit. As I thought back over the day, the previous evening and other moments of frustration in the past couple days I had a realiztion. Even though I was really battling with my flesh I never left being obedient to what God has told me to do so far. I realized that even though I was crying out, I was also walking in faith. It occurred to me that my view of faith is largely a vision of people who hear God and quietly accept His commands and are able to surrender all their anxieties to Him after maybe a small battle. Whoever said that it's not faith if you have to struggle, get frustrated and do a whole lot of crying out? In some ways, I think staying faithful in those moments when you're flesh is screaming to do the opposite may be more purely faith than when it comes without quite as much of a struggle. I'm encouraged. Thank You Jesus.

Taste and See

In the devotional I did this morning the reference is Luke 8:26-39. It's the story of Jesus casting out of a man a legion of demons, and sending them into a herd of pigs that then plunged to their death. As the people in the nearby town heard what Jesus had done verse 37 states "...the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear." I don't know about you but whenever I read that verse I wonder why they were afraid. Why would they ask the Son of God to leave when they had just seen a work of his healing and freeing power in one of their own? My journey with God this week shows I've been a bit of a hypocrite toward the Gerasenes people. This week God has challenged me in regard to something in my "possession" (and I use that word loosely...especially after this week). It's something that's perfectly fine, not evil or intended for evil. Yet as I saw Jesus approaching this thing of mine from a distance I all of a sudden found myself overcome with fear. Like the Gerasenes people I wanted to ask Him to leave. Thankfully He didn't, but it took me a day or 2 to open my hands and stop grasping what was in my possession so Jesus could take a look and see how I was handling it. Through spending much time in His presence God showed me many things about what I was holding, bringing healing and freedom through truth. The whole process made me take a good hard look at how I view God, His love for me and His goodness. This morning after I read the previous mentioned passage I decided to do a word study on "good", in the context of God being good. I came across Psalm 34:8 which says "Taste and see that the Lord is good...". This lead to some thoughts. First off, this concept of tasting indicates an active experience of Him. If I want to know a food is good to me I'm not going to base that only on the presentation of the food or someone elses response to it. I can't tell it's good just by standing at a distance and observing. Instead, I'm going to take a risk, taste it, and experience it for myself. The same with Jesus. I can stand at a distance and see what He's doing for others and say it's good, but I can't know that about Jesus in my own life until I engage myself in experiencing Him. Just as with food, there's a risk. With food I don't know what taste is going to hit my tongue, and with Jesus I don't know what experiences I'll get on my way to seeing that He is indeed good. So I'm now holding much more loosely this thing in my life that I've allowed God to get fully involved in. I'm choosing to let Him be totally in the middle of it and to do with it what He will. I'm still not sure what experiences are going to come to me as I continue to surrender it to Him but I do know that in the end I will taste and see that He is good.

Housecleaning

I have a confession. I have a bad habit. A habit of letting the cleanliness of my house slip to the point where the grime and dust actually make me feel uncomfortable being there. Recently my house had gotten to that point. I'm sure in the previous weeks (since the last cleaning) I had plenty of opportunities to prevent things from getting to this point but I always had a reason not to..."I'm too busy", "This is my only day off and I want to use it to rest", or "I just don't want to." Yeah, just not a big fan of housecleaning. This week something happened that lit a fire under my butt. My landlords are trying to sell the house and someone wanted to come look at it. Since I think my landlords are great and I know they want this house off their hands I all of a sudden had some new motivation to clean. As I got the process started of cleaning crumbs off the kitchen counter and organizing the clutter on tables an anticipation started to bud. As I wiped down mirrors and began to sweep, the possibilities of a clean house began to grow. And as I finally finshed the task of mopping all my hardwood floors the reality of cleanliness finally set in. When I finished I remember thinking "Things feel so good when they're organized and in their place."

Recently I've been playing and replaying a song by Sanctus Real called "Whatever You're Doing". There's a line that goes "It's time to face up. Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out." Just like I had to face up to the fact that I needed to clean my house to help it be more marketable for my landlords I've reached a point in the past week where I had to face the fact that some things inside me needed cleaning. Over the years (I don't know how many years) I allowed some very obstructing dirt and grime gather in places in my heart. It was subtle and it was gradual...kinda like the dust on my hardwood floors. Just like the process of cleaning my house this time around, a motivating factor (also related to someone I think is great) lit a fire in my heart that there was work to do. This time however, the work isn't mine. Jesus is the one doing the cleaning. He's gently yet firmly revealing to me the places the dirt has settled and what kind of dirt it is. He's showing me how to face up to it and what is necessary to clean it up. Even after 2 days of this heart cleaning I'm amazed at how much cleaner and lighter things feel inside of me. Things are getting organized and put in their place...and it feels good. I'm starting to be able to breathe and let it out. I'm aware that Jesus isn't done heart cleaning. There's still some residual dust and dirt underneath some places in my heart that needs to be dealt with. But it's ever so worth the work to get everything back in the place God intended it.

Psalm 51 Thoughts and a Confession

Have mercy on me , O God, for my selfishness.
According to Your steadfast love and abundant mercy blot out my self-consumption.
Wash me thoroughly from pride and cleanse me from my high and mighty thoughts of myself.
For I know how I think more of me than You, and this is ever before me.
Against You, You only have I caused pain and heartache.
Behold, I was brought forth in intolerance and impatience, and in unwarranted self-righteousness did my mother conceive me.
Behold, You delight when I own up and fess up, and I finally let Your wisdom sink in deep in my heart.
Purge my ugliness with Your infinite beauty and I shall be clean;
wash me with Your grace and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness in the freedom You've given me;
let the parts of me that have been broken from pride and self-seeking rejoice.
Hide Your face from my critical spirit and blot out all my tendencies to control things.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from the peace of Your presence, and take not the counsel of the Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation from myself and uphold me with a willing spirit to surrender to You.
Then I will teach other people who share my brokenness Your ways, and together we'll return to You.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation and my tongue will sing aloud of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips so that I will give credit where it's due and praise You.
For You will not delight in my ever-inadequate sacrifice, or I would give it;
You will not be pleased with my measly peace offering.
The sacrifice You cherish is my broken spirit;
my broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

God is with me.

I just noticed that I've been a blogger for a little over a year now. It's interesting to think back to the journey that pushed me to start it, all the things I've blogged about and to look at where I am now. I'm pleasantly overwhelmed these days at God's goodness. Not goodness as defined by those who promote prosperity gospel type messages where everything is going my way and I'm walking down the street whistling a happy tune. Goodness in the sense that God is with me. Preparing to live in another country, being immersed in a culture counter-intuitive to who I am, walking through some deep spiritual battles (mine and others), returning home and trying to acclimate to changes that happened behind my back :)...none of this was easy. At least half of the time these things were downright painful. Yet, God was (and is) with me. He comforted me beyond what words can describe when my heart was lonely or breaking. He taught me. He spoke to me. He healed me. He was with me. He is with me. Can you wrap your head around the depth of this? Don't read this sentence in the simplicity of the 4 little words that comprise it. Read it in the light of your life, your struggles, your heartbreak, your victory, your pain, and your laughter. Repeat it to yourself and let it sink in. The more I repeat it to myself right now the more my heart appreciates the full message of it. Right now in my life I'm in a mixed phase. There's a vast amount of joy in my heart as I'm living in freedom in who I am in ways that I've NEVER had before. It's so beautiful. At the same time I'm walking in a place where a job that has created a family in my co-workers and a ministry I'm passionate about in treating my patients may be taken away from me. The thought of it has broken my heart yet God is reassuring me that He is with me. With that reassurance I'm able to continue enjoying the freedom while resting in His presence as He comforts and reassures that He's on it and has a plan. Do you have this? Are you able to walk in this peace and reassurance? He is with you. You may be walking through or have walked through things that make it hard to believe this but I'm asking you to take a risk and sit still. To really think about your life circumstances. You might suddenly see how He's been there. Or maybe you just need to take a risk to let Him be there and see what He does. I pray that you'll be able to rest in His presence in the end.

It's ugly, and a bit like a mini-sermon

It's been a while since I blogged anything. Mostly because I'm not a good "casual" blogger. I don't do a very good job taking the routine things of my life and making it interesting enough for the world to read. I feel like it has to be something deep. I recently realized I actually have tons to blog about since I've been processing and analyzing a lot as I continue to readjust to life in the USA. I just didn't want to write about it because some of it is a little ugly. Then I reminded myself of my blog name--bare naked truth. I've been holding back from living up to that title by not sharing the nitty gritty of some of my emotions these days. So ready or not, here it comes.

In a nutshell, I've been mad at God. Mostly because I've been lonely for the past few months. Or rather because I've been lonely and not feeling adequately comforted by Him. While I was in South Africa all (yes all--I'm not exaggerating) of my closest relationships changed. Not good for a person who invests deeply in a few relationships and doesn't tend to have multiple casual relationships to call on. Coincidentally, or maybe as a result?, my singleness has also been an issue. I've prided myself (oops) on how well I've handled my singleness over the past several years with a degree of contentment and by not putting my life on hold until it can be shared with a man. While I'm still not putting it on hold, I'm also not handling things like travelling with contentment (my solo 36 hour journey to Russia was downright painfully lonely at times). I've never felt the ache of singleness in this way. I don't even know how to approach it as I'm seemingly inconsolable by wise words from friends and currently pressing into God gets me only so far. Now, before you jump on the bandwagon of "God is your everything", "Keep pressing in", "press in harder", "He's teaching you something",etc. let me just say "Shut up". :) Just kidding...kinda ;) True as these words may be they're really not helpful. In fact, not only do I (and many others who go through this or any other pain for that matter) already know it but some of us are even already doing exactly what we need to do to "get through it". Yet we still hurt. Sometimes, I think the only answer is to just let it hurt. Yuck. As I write this I'm reminded of the night Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was obviously feeling the pain of His calling in those moments (In the ESV Matthew 26:38 and Luke 14:32 He says, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death." Ouch!). He even took a stab at getting out of it altogether. Mark 14:36 indicates He bluntly stated "Remove this cup from me" and then indicates He prayed it a 2nd time. Luke 22:43 says that an angel appeared to strengthen Him, but then v.44 follows with the statement that He was still in agony and prayed more earnestly so that His sweat became like drops of blood. Jesus was inconsolable too! I think anyone reading these verses would agree that Jesus was pressing into His heavenly Father (just like we all advise one another to do in hardship) yet He still hurt like crazy. When I add to that the reality that this life on earth is so incomplete and at times, well, crappy in comparison to the eternity we're created for it all of a sudden doesn't feel so strange that we would have pain that is inconsolable. There's still too much separation between what God meant for us when we were first created and what is during this life on earth. In light of that, it's not so shocking that we would all feel pain that won't go away quickly, easily or with the usual words of advice. As I think of all this I'm slightly comforted for the 1st time in a few months. Jesus, my great High Priest, gets my inconsolable pain. Hmmm...interesting. I'm not so mad any more. Still a little achy and I'm sure in later moments I'll be really achy, but not mad.

Music and Lyrics

We stand and lift up our hands.

For the joy of the Lord is our strength.

We bow down, and worship Him now.

How great, how awesome is He.

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Name above all names.

You are worthy of all praise.

My heart will sing how great is our God.

What's listed above are the lyrics to 2 songs I sang in 2 different churches this weekend. I've sung them both many times and, in all honesty, probably wasn't fully thinking about what I was singing. This time after I sang them I had some thoughts; especially for the first one listed above. As I listened to a man speak about his ministry to the homeless and forgotten in Toronto I began to wonder something. I began to wonder if the Christians who sing this song in very comfortable churches, with the temperature set just right, the padding on the chairs, good friends nearby and no fear of retaliation for worshipping God really understand what it means for the joy of the Lord to be their strength. Do we really understand how great and awesome God is when we're fully able to go out and make enough money not only to meet our own daily needs but also to pad ourselves in comfort and luxury? I have to wonder. I'm not saying that all Christians should intentionally go and sell everything they own, make themselves homeless and go to the point of starvation just to experience the full awesomeness of God and to get to the point where we really know the joy of the Lord as our strength. I do think we should do some heavy reassessing of whether or not the joy of the Lord is our strength at all; or if our job, family, relationship, and comforts are our strength. Reality is these things are temporary and not even promised. God could remove any one of these things at any time. Personally, I would rather be in a place where I cling to these things lightly and to God tightly so that if that happens my world won't shatter beneath me.

As for the second song lyrics my biggest wondering was how much we are singing that song with a truly worshipful attitude. I live in a country with full religious freedom. I should be joyfully singing at the top of my lungs that Jesus is the name above all names, worthy of all praise and great. Yet so often we sing those lyrics half-heartedly, with a tinge of boredom and just a breath away from a yawn. I wonder what it would look like if my pursuit of God, if my church's pursuit of God, if American Christian's pursuit of God became so full on that we saw God for all that He really is...I wonder how that would affect our passion in singing these lyrics. I sure hope I get to find it.