For the past 2 weeks I've been quite consciously aware of a deep and lovely peace resting on my spirit. If you've followed any of my blog entries over the past 5-6 months you will have picked up on a good deal of wrestling as God has taken me on a journey of transforming and renewing my mind. This weekend it seems more evident to me that there has been a shift inside. I'm not daily having the mental and emotional battles with God, I'm not constantly questioning what's coming next (even though I'm still waiting for a seminary in St. Louis to decide if they'll have me or not), and the Jacob-like wrestling match with God has been settled (yes, I do indeed have quite the limp too--but I'm ok with that). I really can't put into words just how grateful I am to God for how He has closely walked with me into this lovely place. In the same way I'm aware of how my spirit has been given the space to relax I'm noticing something else. In the season of schizophrenia, aka refinement (see my entry "Are you sure this is the only way to do this?" for an explanation on that one) there are certain benefits. In that place I'm more alert to the enemy's strategy, sensitive to God's voice, humbled at His feet and calling out more consistently for more of Him. It even makes me more outwardly focused because I want people who are in their own wilderness to know they have God to love them through it. This season of peace can be strangely tricky because my spirit relaxes a little (quite thankfully, by the way), but then I find myself dropping my guard. Things in the world start to feel right again and I kind of forget a little that I need Jesus every bit as much and more. I seem to kind of forget that others are still in a wilderness and need Jesus to get them through it. As I sat in a church service yesterday listening to a message about the wilderness, God gave me the gentle reminder that the pressure may be off but I'm still not allowed to get sucked into pursuing the desires of my heart over God. Jesus must still stay above those things. During a time of quiet in the service I made a conscious decision to remember that God is still the only One who fully satisfies the deepest needs of my soul. I made the decision to choose to continue to ask for more and more of Him even though the need for Him doesn't feel as pressing as it does in the schizophrenia season of life. Yep, seasons of peace can be tricky but I'm willing to learn the balance of living with the awareness of the wilderness season but with the peace and rest that I'm enjoying right now.
