I never thought....

As I was taking an early evening walk with my dog I had a lovely realization that I'm actually starting to get some kind of rhythm in this new life that I'm living right now. As I thought about the fact that I really am living a new life I had a fresh realization of just how big of a deal it is that I quit my job to move to a city where I know no one to be trained in a completely different profession. That thought lead me to the theme of all the things I never thought would happen in my life or the way I never thought my life would be. Here's what it would've sounded like if you had been in my head. I never thought...I would live somewhere other than my hometown...I would live somewhere other than that state I was born in...I would NOT be a teacher...I would still be single and childless by the time of my current age...I would leave the country as many times as I have and even willingly live in another one for more than a month...I would lose a parent before that parent was old enough to see my kids...I would ever get out of a couple periods of depression...I would ever get over a couple heartbreaks...I would be ok with not knowing or having control over the future...I would get past an eating disorder...I would enjoy long distance running...I would be in a place of depth and intimacy that I'm at in my relationship with God.

Some of the things above are a little heavy, some have caused moments of deep grieving for what I want but don't have and some have just flat out surprised me. The beautiful thing is, regardless of which of the 3 above categories my "I never thoughts" fit in they all have the touch of God in them. Depression, heartbreak, healing from eating disorders, my mom's death have all showed me God's comfort and how it touches places of my heart a human can't. It also has lead to a lot of growth and building my faith. Learning to love running, leaving the country and living in another country have created so much enjoyment of the world around me that God has created. I'm learning to enjoy the "I never thoughts"....probably more than I ever thought I would. So I guess you could say I never thought I would enjoy God messing with my plans :)

Life and Death

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were." Romans 4:17 (NIV)
"...who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist." (ESV)

I love re-reading old journal entries. It's such an encouraging reminder of where I've been and where God has taken me. As I read through some entries from April of this year the verse above came up a couple times and has spoken encouragement to my heart this morning. Just thought I would share with you what I said. Maybe it's the encouragement you're needing in the season you're in too.

April 25
I start this entry by referencing the above verse from Romans and go on to say the following:
"It's the same God that calls into being confidence in who He's created me to be as if it already fully existed. He's the God of the death of my insecurity. I love it. I love that I can have confidence in God to help me become more secure in the person He has created me to be.

May 5
(To give you some context, in part of the entry I'm referring to a break-up. When I refer to a "calling" I mean going to counseling school which is what I'm now doing. Again, the paragraph in this entry starts with a reference to Romans 4:17)

"I found myself in awe that even as my relationship last year was dying God was simultaneously working on bringing life in the midst of that death. As a relationship that carried many hopes and expectations died God immediately spoke into life a beautiful calling. He really is the God of the living and the dead. I so look forward to the journey ahead. I sense God has an adventure on the horizon. I'm thankful for how He has graciously walked me through the past 6 or 7 months of questions, frustrations, depression and impatience. I'm grateful that He has grown my trust in Him in regard to the decision-making process. I love that the ending to this time of seeking is actually a beautiful beginning to a new chapter in my life story. Thank you, God."

I don't know where you are in your life right now. Maybe your in a time of seeking, refining, or wrestling. Maybe God is taking something from you that you've held tightly. I hope you're encouraged by the fact that even though God may be bringing death to certain things in your life He will faithfully bring life as well.

You Were on the Cross

This entry is going to seem really long but it's only because I've included the lyrics to a song that has been rolling around in my heart and mind lately. My belief is that if you're a human and you're reading this you'll be able to identify with what the artist is saying. I found myself quite humbled when I first truly listened to the song. I thought of all the times I struggled with disappointment or a feeling of loneliness in the midst of God's refining. I thought of my reaction to God in those low moments and much of the time there was an accusatory hint to my approach to Him. Somewhere on the lines of "How could you let me go through this alone?", "Why are you taking away these hopes and/or dreams I have?", or "Why have you abandoned me when I need you most?". I love this song because it's such a poignant reminder that all those times I accused God of abandoning me, the reality is He knows what I'm experiencing because of Jesus' life on this earth and the abandonment Jesus experienced as He suffered on the cross while His Father looked the other way. Jesus isn't called our Great High Priest for nothing. He knows. He gets it. He's fully aware of how it feels to live in this fallen world and He hasn't, in fact, abandoned us. Better yet, He's created a way out of the fallen-ness of this world without having to leave it. He created victory over our sin, shame, broken hopes and dreams when He suffered that cruelest of all abandonment from His own Father. He's simply waiting for me to stop depending too much on the broken humans around me and do the hard work of coming into His presence and waiting on Him to meet me where I am. Please know that I'm not advocating for trying to work out all things on your own. I'm fully aware of the necessity of a supportive Church community and feel if you're not in one you're not only handicapping your own ability to make it through the tough things of this world but you're also opening yourself up to believing lots of lies of the enemy. Just reminding you that community is full of broken humans who will let you down and that it's necessary to place your first hope in Christ. That's the end of that sermon. Now read the lyrics and if possible find the song to listen to:)

"You Were on the Cross", Matt Maher

Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where when You when all that I've hoped for,
Where when you when all that I've dreamed,
Came crashing down in shambles around me?
You were on the cross.

Pain, could you take way the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me.

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life I wish I never made.

You were on the cross. My God, my God.
All alone, all alone.
You were on the cross. You died for us.
All alone, all alone.
You were on the cross, victorious.
All alone, all alone.

You were there in all of my suffering.
And you were there in doubt and fear.
I'm waiting for the dawn to reappear.