I just want to put a bit of a disclaimer on this post. Due to the pregnancy losses I've experienced and the many families I know who struggle with loss or infertility, I'm super sensitive to how what might sound like complaining about parenthood comes off to someone longing for the treasured title of "Mom" or "Dad". So I'm just going to give a forewarning that what you might read in this post could very well sound like complaining about something that I'm deeply aware is a gift. My intent is simply to vent out my struggles as a stay at home mom, in no small part with the hope that some seasoned Mamas out there might be able to give some advice on how to cope! If infertility or pregnancy loss is your story and you're sensitive to hearing other parents "complain" (for lack of a better word) about their struggles I encourage you to skip reading this. Know that I see and, in some situations feel, your pain and have absolutely no desire to give the impression that I take for granted the gift God has given me in being a Mom.
That being said, oh my gosh parenting is freaking hard! I never realized how schizophrenic I could feel in a given day until becoming a Mom, and more specifically becoming a Mom of 2 (I'm convinced that anyone who has more than 2 children has completely lost it. How on earth did you talk yourself into a 3rd or even 4th child?!). If you have one and are planning on another, just know that #2 will make you feel like you've hopped on the express train to Crazy Town. I don't care how good or easy #2 is, the ticket that baby comes out holding still says "express" and "Crazy Town" on it. I spend my days alternately feeling in love with my sweet toddler who amazes me at who he is becoming, and wanting to pull my hair out because he's losing his cookies over getting a drop of water somewhere on the pajamas (which he refuses to get out of) for the umpteenth time that day. Don't even get me started on my inability to convince him that said drop of water will in fact dry quickly so there's no need to change for the umpteenth time. (Oh my gosh, just writing about it makes me want to pull out a chunk of hair.) And I promise you I never thought I could possibly be mad at a baby. A baby, ya'll. In my defense, even though she's only 11 months, she can throw a tantrum like a toddler that includes a scream that will make your toes curl. As a stay at home mom, I cycle through these emotions of immense love and irritation so many times in a day, by the end of it I'm not sure if I'm ready for my kiddos to go to bed or if I want to spend a couple hours holding my baby girl or watching my 3 year while they sleep. One moment I can't wait until the day when they're in school all day and the next I'm tearing up at the thought of how fast it is all going.
I mean, what is this craziness of stay at home mommy-hood?! I'll tell you what it is--sanctification. Here I always thought God was just all about procreation, being fruitful and multiplying, filling the earth and all that when in reality He knew these small humans would hurl us into the process of sanctification faster than you can say "please stop screaming about the water on your PJs!". In the last 3 years I have never been more deeply aware of my propensity to anger, control issues, and incredible impatience when said control is being challenged. And if you're a parent who cares about being a good parent, it's simply not enough to realize your weaknesses. It's vital that those issues be dealt with lest you hurt the hearts of those small souls in your care. That challenge to change is also more intense than at any other time in my life. My struggle is, being with your kiddos all day, every day causes a whole lot of emotional fatigue which makes it really hard, in the moment, to think "Ah, I see this small child is triggering my control and anger issues. I must prayerfully pause now so that I don't start yelling like a mad woman". I long to be able to do that but my overstimulated soul tends to lose its will by the end of the day.
Thankfully, God continues to lavish His grace on me as I stumble through this season of being a Mama to young children. He has taught me how to humble myself with these little humans, to be real about my faults, and to ask forgiveness from the very beings whose actions have tossed me in the throes of my own sin. I pray that this is laying a solid foundation for them to also learn to be real about their faults, ask forgiveness of those they hurt with their sins and that going to Jesus to change them is vital. Maybe all these schizophrenic reactions will, by the grace of God, lead to good after all.
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