Bigger than Me

Friday night a good friend and I went to listen to a band from Toronto called Red Rain. I'd never heard of them but liked them right away. A line from one of their songs hit me. It was simply this: "This is way, way, way, way, way bigger than me." It got sutck in my head partially because of the obvious repetition. They sung that line 3 times in 30 seconds at one point which means I heard the word "way" quite a bit. It was fitting for them to say that word in particular so much. Think about it--why do we repeat things? We do it to make sure the listener gets it that this is a main or important point. It's a way of conveying the magnitude of something. In the case of this song and this line, the writers/singers were trying to make it understood that this life we live in and that God is authoring isn't just big; it's not just a little bigger than my little self (and all my little dreams, desires, problems, etc); it's way, way, way, way, way bigger than me. On a smaller "me" scale I received some comfort in that. I was reminded that in the midst of the loads of questions I have for God about why He has orchestrated my life the way He has the past several months, the reasons are bigger than just me. Partly because His reason for doing things hasn't been done in the vacuum of my life alone (meaning His actions are a result of His work in the lives of others around me), and partly because His modus operandi is for His glory (which happens to be way, way, way, way, way over my head). On a more global scale, His unfathomable ways comfort me as I read through a book that completely exposes (in detail) the pain of girls caught in the viscious cycle of sex traffiking, loss of innocence of Ugandan children forced to murder, the hopelessness of men and women forced into back-breaking labor to pay an unpayable debt and the stark, seemingly unstoppable evil of the oppressors. Though sometimes I really don't get God's thought processes when it comes to my own pain or the pain of others, I do have a baseline trust in His love. So I'm glad to know that in the midst of all the unexplainable crap of this world I can lean on the truth that it and He are way, way, way, way, way bigger than me.

Ah-ha Moment

Don't you love light bulb moments from God? I had such a one this past Saturday. It had been a long week for me emotionally (for lots of reasons that I'll spare details on for brevity sake) and I had just gotten off work. I was feeling like it may be best for me to be around people as opposed to being in my house all evening, letting my mind get sucked into that not so helpful cycle of analyzing and over-analyzing. Only one problem...didn't seem to be anyone to hang out with. I made a few phone calls and sent a couple texts with the result being unavailable people or just having to leave voice mails in the hope of a return call. It was a beautiful (and that may be an understatement) afternoon and I had already decided I was going to take my new bike out for its first ride so I figured that would give people time to call me back, and it would keep me from having to wait in my house where the viscious analyzation cycle takes place. So I hopped onto my bike and headed north on the monon. For several blocks (ok, so all the way from 51st street to about 106th) I was kind of in a negative mode of thinking and really not getting full enjoyment from the ride. I was having a nice pity party for the fact that I didn't seem to have any friends (yes, an exaggeration). At about 106th street I ran into the park that had been in progress of being built the last time I was in the area (quite a while ago) and was now finished. I welcomed the new thing to explore and got off the monon to head through the park. As I was riding I began to really take in just how gorgeous the day was, how perfect the temperature was, and how this little park made me truely feel like I was out in God's creation. And then I caught myself thinking the following thought..."I wish I had someone to share this with." And not a split second later came the response from God..."What about Me?" Ouch! That question was followed by an explanation from Him that He had actually created that moment for me. The amazing day, the new bike to take out for a ride, getting off work early enough to enjoy being outside, how being outside just spoke to and resonated with my spirit...He'd created all of it for that space of time for me to enjoy...with Him. All of a sudden I re-realized that lesson I mentioned in a recent blog about how God has been speaking to me through Romans 12:2 and how my mind needs to be transformed and renewed. It clicked just how much I conform to the pattern of this world that I must have a human being to share all meaningful experiences with. Yet here my God was showing me that He knows my heart, what I love, the things that refresh me and He wants to not only give those things to me but He wants to SHARE them with me. The rest of that ride had a totally different feel to it. There was a different level of enjoyment to it and I became ok with the possibility that the rest of the evening may not be spent in the presence of another person, but rather it might just be spent chilling and relaxing with my God. It was certainly a nice ah-ha and one I look forward to God speaking more to in the coming days and weeks.

Are we there yet???

When I was growing up my family and I went on vacations every summer to somewhere in the USA. Since we're a family of 5 we didn't fly...we always drove. That made for a LOT of driving when travelling to places like Colorado. My sisters and I were the typical impatient car travellers (and if you've ever driven through Kansas you would know why), frequently asking the ever common "Are we there yet?" and "How much longer?" type of questions. My dad's response most times was on the lines of this "Sit back, relax, enjoy the ride and I'll tell you when we get there." A few years ago or so I was struggling with something that involved me not knowing answers about what was coming in the future. I can't remember the specific situation, but I do know for sure I wasn't doing so well with the waiting God was having me do. I know I was going to Him with similar questions of "how much longer" while also using the same whiny voice I used with my dad when I was trying to get him to give me answers regarding the proximity to our destination. As I was struggling with the waiting God reminded me of my dad's response. And then He made it clear that my dad's response was the same one that applied to my journey with Him. Well, I'm back on a journey of waiting again. I have brewing within me a significant restlessness that I really don't know what to do with. I believe I've started on a new journey to something new, and I'm yet again asking God "how much longer" before I get some new direction or instructions. And He's yet again giving me the same answer...."sit back, relax, enjoy the ride and I'll tell you when we get there". I'd like to say that after hearing God tell me that multiple times as I've entered new seasons in the last 5 years that I'm doing a good job sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the journey but I would be betraying my blog title if I said that. But then, tomorrow is a fresh day with a fresh start and a fresh attempt at enjoying the journey, and He did say His mercies are new every morning...so there's hope for me yet:)