Are you sure this is the only way to do this?

The question that is my title for this blog is one I'm asking of God these days as He prepares me for a new season. Ya see, I've entered what we in the Christian world like to call "refining". This is the tame term we like to put on a process that is usually quite wretched for the one being refined. I'm thinking about initiating a change in the Christian terminology for this season to a phrase that is more realistic. I vote that instead of using the word "refine" we call this the "season of schizophrenia." Hang with me a second and you'll see it really fits. Schizophrenia is defined as being characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. When I think about my seasons of refinement in the past as well as this current season, this description totally fits. As God begins to show me things inside myself and way of thinking that He wants to change I start out feeling pretty excited to hear His voice and anticipate the change He is about to do that will make me more like Jesus. However, as time goes on I begin to see just how much of my way of thinking is off and also that I really am not as excited to give it up as I thought. This is the withdrawal from reality and illogical pattern of thinking phase. I find myself just wanting to get away from the truth He is showing and I may walk that illogical pattern of thinking that holds onto my beliefs and way as being right. If I hold too tightly to the illogical pattern of thinking or withdraw too long from the reality He's trying to lead me into, I then enter the delusions phase. The delusion usually involves me thinking that I've got it under control and that my way of thinking really will still work just as well as the way of thinking He's trying to transform my mind to. The varying degrees of emotional, behavioral or intellectual disturbances is present throughout the entire process. I may find that one moment I'm so excited that the God of the universe is speaking to me and being near me, and the next moment I may be telling Him to back up off this territory of my heart because He's hurting me a little too much. My behavior can go from one of worship to distancing myself from Him for fear of what He may say or try to change next. I think the intellectual disturbance part is pretty obvious...I'll teeter back and forth from my personal knowledge of His faithfulness to stay with me and the truth that His ways and thoughts are higher than mine to this crazy thought that He's just out to take everything that I hold dear away from me. So you see that schizophrenia and refinement really aren't so far off from each other :) Don't be scared. I have no intention of turning my back on God just because He's doing some crazy tough things inside of me. However I also wanted to be quite bare and naked before you about my struggle in refinement so maybe you would feel the freedom to feel the same way. Luckily for us all God is able to handle our wrestling. I may be "schizophrenic" in my walk about 50% of the time right now but the other 50% of me is fully hopeful that this season will make me better able to walk in the season that's coming soon.