Except...

“Solomon showed his love for the Lord by walking according to the statutes of his father David, except that he offered sacrifices and burned incense on the high places.” 1 Kings 3:3

I never stop being amazed that Solomon did so well in the beginning in binding himself to God and His law. He showed humility in asking God for wisdom instead of riches, built the temple with diligence and prayed a beautiful prayer of dedication when the temple was complete. He walked in the way of the Lord’s statutes because he loved the Lord, except… All it took was one “except” and he was on the road to straying from God. It didn’t affect only his reign but set the stage for a long line of descendants who would love the Lord except…

I know that Solomon is human so the fact that he erred isn’t the greatest of all shocks. However, that word “except” still bugs me. It bugs me because the Lord was incredibly faithful to Solomon and blessed him far and away beyond what He did for David. So how can there be an “except”? When I really meditate on this passage, stop focusing on Solomon and turn inward I realize the “except” bothers me because I, too, am guilty of it. I love the Lord and I can honestly say that love grows as time goes on. I’m amazed at His faithfulness in times of uncertainty and depression, except…I still have a critical spirit, I try to force my plans on God (and even attempt to say they’re God’s plans), negotiate my obedience (saying I’ll do what You say if You do what I’ll say), get apathetic about my relationship with Him—the list could go on longer than I care to admit. I hate that “except”.

Not-so-perfect form

I love watching my 4 year old nephew run. Several months ago my sister told me that his preschool teacher said he was doing well in everything, but when it came to running he was always last. For some reason I couldn't imagine why this could be. Not long after I found this out, I was babysitting for my nephews and decided to pay attention to his running form. It all came together. His arms where hiked up and pumping hard as if to will himself to go faster, feet were flailing out and knees turned in. It was the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Every time I picture this precious boy running I have to smile. This past weekend I was doing my own treadmill run and for some reason my nephew and his running came to mind. I began thinking of my own running form which has earned more than one person commenting that I make running look effortless. As I thought about this God popped in with some thoughts of His own (since He seems to like to use running to teach me things). I've been reading a book on perfectionism for one of my classes and have been thinking a lot about my own battle of performance perfectionism. I prefer my movement through life to look like I do when I'm running...effortless. In addition, I like to perform consistently well. In some areas of my life I do seem to be able to maintain good form...like with the disciplines of prayer and Bible study. Unfortunately there are other areas where my form seems to look a bit more like my nephew's...like with having a critical spirit. In this area my attempts to keep from having a critical spirit are as clumsy and cumbersome as when my nephew tries to run fast. I'm pumping my arms hard, legs flying, knees knocking and a good deal of the time I'm tripping over myself as I try to improve. God showed me that even in the things in life where my form is quite clumsy, He still looks on me and smiles at my effort just as I do with my nephew. My desire to improve and do well is sweet to Him. He doesn't hide His face in shame that I'm not measuring up in this area (or any area for that matter) to those around me but rather is so very pleased that I'm trying.

I never thought....

As I was taking an early evening walk with my dog I had a lovely realization that I'm actually starting to get some kind of rhythm in this new life that I'm living right now. As I thought about the fact that I really am living a new life I had a fresh realization of just how big of a deal it is that I quit my job to move to a city where I know no one to be trained in a completely different profession. That thought lead me to the theme of all the things I never thought would happen in my life or the way I never thought my life would be. Here's what it would've sounded like if you had been in my head. I never thought...I would live somewhere other than my hometown...I would live somewhere other than that state I was born in...I would NOT be a teacher...I would still be single and childless by the time of my current age...I would leave the country as many times as I have and even willingly live in another one for more than a month...I would lose a parent before that parent was old enough to see my kids...I would ever get out of a couple periods of depression...I would ever get over a couple heartbreaks...I would be ok with not knowing or having control over the future...I would get past an eating disorder...I would enjoy long distance running...I would be in a place of depth and intimacy that I'm at in my relationship with God.

Some of the things above are a little heavy, some have caused moments of deep grieving for what I want but don't have and some have just flat out surprised me. The beautiful thing is, regardless of which of the 3 above categories my "I never thoughts" fit in they all have the touch of God in them. Depression, heartbreak, healing from eating disorders, my mom's death have all showed me God's comfort and how it touches places of my heart a human can't. It also has lead to a lot of growth and building my faith. Learning to love running, leaving the country and living in another country have created so much enjoyment of the world around me that God has created. I'm learning to enjoy the "I never thoughts"....probably more than I ever thought I would. So I guess you could say I never thought I would enjoy God messing with my plans :)

Life and Death

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were." Romans 4:17 (NIV)
"...who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist." (ESV)

I love re-reading old journal entries. It's such an encouraging reminder of where I've been and where God has taken me. As I read through some entries from April of this year the verse above came up a couple times and has spoken encouragement to my heart this morning. Just thought I would share with you what I said. Maybe it's the encouragement you're needing in the season you're in too.

April 25
I start this entry by referencing the above verse from Romans and go on to say the following:
"It's the same God that calls into being confidence in who He's created me to be as if it already fully existed. He's the God of the death of my insecurity. I love it. I love that I can have confidence in God to help me become more secure in the person He has created me to be.

May 5
(To give you some context, in part of the entry I'm referring to a break-up. When I refer to a "calling" I mean going to counseling school which is what I'm now doing. Again, the paragraph in this entry starts with a reference to Romans 4:17)

"I found myself in awe that even as my relationship last year was dying God was simultaneously working on bringing life in the midst of that death. As a relationship that carried many hopes and expectations died God immediately spoke into life a beautiful calling. He really is the God of the living and the dead. I so look forward to the journey ahead. I sense God has an adventure on the horizon. I'm thankful for how He has graciously walked me through the past 6 or 7 months of questions, frustrations, depression and impatience. I'm grateful that He has grown my trust in Him in regard to the decision-making process. I love that the ending to this time of seeking is actually a beautiful beginning to a new chapter in my life story. Thank you, God."

I don't know where you are in your life right now. Maybe your in a time of seeking, refining, or wrestling. Maybe God is taking something from you that you've held tightly. I hope you're encouraged by the fact that even though God may be bringing death to certain things in your life He will faithfully bring life as well.

You Were on the Cross

This entry is going to seem really long but it's only because I've included the lyrics to a song that has been rolling around in my heart and mind lately. My belief is that if you're a human and you're reading this you'll be able to identify with what the artist is saying. I found myself quite humbled when I first truly listened to the song. I thought of all the times I struggled with disappointment or a feeling of loneliness in the midst of God's refining. I thought of my reaction to God in those low moments and much of the time there was an accusatory hint to my approach to Him. Somewhere on the lines of "How could you let me go through this alone?", "Why are you taking away these hopes and/or dreams I have?", or "Why have you abandoned me when I need you most?". I love this song because it's such a poignant reminder that all those times I accused God of abandoning me, the reality is He knows what I'm experiencing because of Jesus' life on this earth and the abandonment Jesus experienced as He suffered on the cross while His Father looked the other way. Jesus isn't called our Great High Priest for nothing. He knows. He gets it. He's fully aware of how it feels to live in this fallen world and He hasn't, in fact, abandoned us. Better yet, He's created a way out of the fallen-ness of this world without having to leave it. He created victory over our sin, shame, broken hopes and dreams when He suffered that cruelest of all abandonment from His own Father. He's simply waiting for me to stop depending too much on the broken humans around me and do the hard work of coming into His presence and waiting on Him to meet me where I am. Please know that I'm not advocating for trying to work out all things on your own. I'm fully aware of the necessity of a supportive Church community and feel if you're not in one you're not only handicapping your own ability to make it through the tough things of this world but you're also opening yourself up to believing lots of lies of the enemy. Just reminding you that community is full of broken humans who will let you down and that it's necessary to place your first hope in Christ. That's the end of that sermon. Now read the lyrics and if possible find the song to listen to:)

"You Were on the Cross", Matt Maher

Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where when You when all that I've hoped for,
Where when you when all that I've dreamed,
Came crashing down in shambles around me?
You were on the cross.

Pain, could you take way the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me.

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life I wish I never made.

You were on the cross. My God, my God.
All alone, all alone.
You were on the cross. You died for us.
All alone, all alone.
You were on the cross, victorious.
All alone, all alone.

You were there in all of my suffering.
And you were there in doubt and fear.
I'm waiting for the dawn to reappear.

church hunting = dating

"What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me." Job 3:25

This verse describes perfectly my feelings regarding church hunting. I knew more than 2 months ago as I was preparing to move that the dreaded church hunt would be part of the transitioning process. As the verse says above, it's the thing that I feared and dreaded. Ok, so fear may be a bit strong but dreaded is pretty accurate. Over the past couple weeks I've decided that looking for a church is like all the ups and downs of dating. You want to do it because it will lead to "the one" yet, if you're anything like me, a whole lot of analyzing goes into the process. It's a pretty big deal after all. (If you're wondering at this point if I'm referring to dating or church hunting the answer is yes.) You don't want to be rash when it comes to making a choice that affects your spiritual growth, social life, how you're going to minister and serve, and that affects the lens through which you've been viewing God and the Word. And what if your family isn't so keen on your choice? (Yep, still talking about both). Then there's the whole argument of how many times do you have to try this out before you say you've given it a good shot. Should I feel some emotional draw right away? If I don't is that an indicator that it's not "the one" or do I give it a few more tries? How many tries is adequate before you can say you put in a good effort and can officially and comfortably deem it not "the one"? God, can't I just know right away if this is it or not and skip the whole trial and error process? To be honest, I feel like this about church hunting right now 10x more than I do about dating. In the words of an old PT school classmate's little sister, "I don't want to get there, I just want to be there!"

If you're wondering where all these deep sentiments regarding the church search are coming from just attribute it to introvert overload. Still love being in St. Louis, am glad for the decision I made go to seminary and am thankful to God to get such a lovely opportunity in this phase of my life to be trained to minister well. However, my little introvert self has about reached the limit of meeting new people in jobs, school and in the process of church hunting, and it's getting a little tiresome. About 6 months ago I was starting to wonder if I was beginning to convert to extrovertism. This move has showed me otherwise. Ah well. C'est la vie. This too shall pass.

Wabaday

Wabaday...not just fun to say, also the name of the street I'll be living on in a little over a week. I was looking on Covenant's website for housing opportunities when I came across it. I was actually looking at it for the 2nd or 3rd time to see if there were options I had ruled out that I might need to stop being picky about and start considering. Then I came across this particular ad that hadn't been there the last time I had looked. I called the number listed and that night found myself on Wabaday looking at a 2 bedroom house for a rent that was ridiculously too good to be true. As I talked to the owner of the house it became more and more evident that this was the provision God had been asking me to wait on. For starters, the owner informed me that he and his wife had been praying for the past 2 weeks about what to do with the house since it had been on the market all summer and not selling. Interestingly enough it was exactly 2 weeks ago that my apartment fire occurred leaving me with the dilemma of where to live. The 2nd sign of God's provision is kind of a minor detail but nonetheless fun for me. I had painted my kitchen, was in the process of painting another room and had the color picked out for my livingroom before having to make the decision to not stay. I was a little bummed because I loved the color schemes I had chosen. Then I walk into this house and wouldn't you know it but the kitchen and livingroom where both painted the colors I had chosen and the extra room was painted very close to the same blue I had chosen. So there it is ladies and gentleman. God at His finest doing exactly what He was asking me to trust Him to do...surprise me with His provision.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

I wish you could've been in my head today. I'm pretty sure you would've left at the end of the day thinking "schizophrenic". Today was orientation at Covenant Seminary. I had the sense of "I'm really going to do this" mixed with "This is exactly where I'm supposed to be" all at once. It was lovely. I was excited. It wasn't going to last. As we sat through orientation one of the professors pointed out that for the first month and a half we would have the same emotions one had when they went to church camp as a teenager. It's that feeling of elation at getting to study the word, making exciting discoveries about God and self, and getting to spend so much time around other believers who are equally excited to both grow in the faith and be a resource to others as they grow in their faith. He followed this comparison by saying "Then on about September 20th it's going to end." Now, I'm not naive. I had already figured out that the excitement I was feeling was part of the newness of it all and that it was probably going to end at some point. I just didn't expect it to end 4 or 5 hours after he made the comment. I figured I had at least a month, ya know. Be that as it may, I did not. The reason for the low after the high was related to circumstances totally unrelated to school and it wasn't even that big of a deal. Yet it still set the stage for God to remind me that I had a choice to make. He was reminding me of what He spoke last week---that He wanted the chance to surprise me with His provision---and He was calling me back to that decision I had made to trust Him. The bonus round of this challenge is He was calling me to trust that in the midst of my low. So as I finished my run up I told God I'm still all in, He just may have to give me a little more of an idea of what it looks like to trust Him when it comes to this situation with my apartment.

In other news, God did show me a way He has provided that was unexpected. I received a notification from my gas company in Indy saying they had miscalculated how much I was supposed to be paying monthly and they actually owed me $151. What THEY don't know is they probably figured it up exactly right (because the house I lived in was older and not the most stellar in the area of insulation) but God decided to use that venue as a reminder that He has all sorts of ways He can provide for me over the next 3 years. It's up to me to see it for what it is....another words, more than coincidence, more than a mistake that someone else has made (the gas co. in this case), more than an accident.

Alright, God.

Learning to be surprised by God

A while back I mentioned in a blog that I was waiting to hear back from a seminary if I had been accepted to their counseling program. Well, I was and I'm officially in St. Louis awaiting fall semester to start. But don't get the idea that just because classes haven't started that school isn't already in session. Oh no. Classes in the school of life are very much ongoing right now. The current class: faith; the current lesson: letting God surprise me. This lesson was initiated my last week in Indy. I was packing up my house to leave, making arrangements for who would drive down with me, arranging with the school for help on the St. Louis side to unload my van, while also coordinating those final hang out times. I thought I was doing a pretty darn good job being organized balancing these different aspects of preparing to move. And then life happened. A beautiful woman of God who had been graciously walking the journey of cancer was mercifully released from her battle and no doubt swept into the arms of Jesus. Lovely for her, sucky for the rest of us. Her funeral was scheduled for the day I initially intended to leave. I had absolutely no trouble making the decision to stay the extra day to celebrate the glory of God through her life---I don't hold quite that tightly to the plans I've made. However, all of a sudden my brain was in a tailspin about how I was going to pack my moving van while at a funeral, who was going to drive down with me (far fewer people were able to go down on Sunday versus the original Saturday) and questioning if there would be anyone on the other end to help unload (that was especially stressful knowing there were fewer people able to drive down with me). To add to that, my moving van of choice (Uhaul) was not cooperating with the whole "hold the reservation" thing and at one point I was certain I did not have a van to move my things from one state to the next. In the midst of the chaos flowing through my brain and the acid flowing in my stomach God spoke. Somehow through that mess He was able to get a message through to my heart. The message: "Give Me a chance to surprise you with My provision." He was asking me to lay down the stress and the constant running of my mind in order to let Him pull everything together. It would appear I didn't pass this test because now, 2 weeks later, I've been given a retake of the test. Yesterday evening I experienced the joy of an electrical fire in my apartment. Minimal damage but serious enough of an issue that I'm going to have to move. As I packed up my stuff to go to a hotel last night my mind started again with the chaos and my stomach with the acid. My beautifully planned week before starting school next week was going down the toilet. As I scrutinized over any possible solution to my dilemma the Teacher spoke up and helped me cheat a bit..."Give Me a chance to surprise you with My provision." It hit me that the same lesson was in progress, class was very much not dismissed and I had a chance to improve the results from the last time this test was presented to me. I really have no idea how to not plan in order to provide for myself but I guess that's what faith is anyway; choosing to trust the unseen over that which can be seen. As I muddle through this one I'll try to keep you updated on how God works. I know in my heart that it could be quite exciting and fun so I'm determined to learn how to let God do His thing. Should be interesting!

The Tricky Season of Peace

For the past 2 weeks I've been quite consciously aware of a deep and lovely peace resting on my spirit. If you've followed any of my blog entries over the past 5-6 months you will have picked up on a good deal of wrestling as God has taken me on a journey of transforming and renewing my mind. This weekend it seems more evident to me that there has been a shift inside. I'm not daily having the mental and emotional battles with God, I'm not constantly questioning what's coming next (even though I'm still waiting for a seminary in St. Louis to decide if they'll have me or not), and the Jacob-like wrestling match with God has been settled (yes, I do indeed have quite the limp too--but I'm ok with that). I really can't put into words just how grateful I am to God for how He has closely walked with me into this lovely place. In the same way I'm aware of how my spirit has been given the space to relax I'm noticing something else. In the season of schizophrenia, aka refinement (see my entry "Are you sure this is the only way to do this?" for an explanation on that one) there are certain benefits. In that place I'm more alert to the enemy's strategy, sensitive to God's voice, humbled at His feet and calling out more consistently for more of Him. It even makes me more outwardly focused because I want people who are in their own wilderness to know they have God to love them through it. This season of peace can be strangely tricky because my spirit relaxes a little (quite thankfully, by the way), but then I find myself dropping my guard. Things in the world start to feel right again and I kind of forget a little that I need Jesus every bit as much and more. I seem to kind of forget that others are still in a wilderness and need Jesus to get them through it. As I sat in a church service yesterday listening to a message about the wilderness, God gave me the gentle reminder that the pressure may be off but I'm still not allowed to get sucked into pursuing the desires of my heart over God. Jesus must still stay above those things. During a time of quiet in the service I made a conscious decision to remember that God is still the only One who fully satisfies the deepest needs of my soul. I made the decision to choose to continue to ask for more and more of Him even though the need for Him doesn't feel as pressing as it does in the schizophrenia season of life. Yep, seasons of peace can be tricky but I'm willing to learn the balance of living with the awareness of the wilderness season but with the peace and rest that I'm enjoying right now.

For as long as we both shall live...

If you don't recognize the phrase in the title then you clearly haven't been to as many weddings as I have.:) (Just kidding...sort of.) Anyway, it's commonly spoken in a wedding during the vows. Tonight it popped in my head during the sermon at my church. In all honesty, I don't think my pastor was saying anything at all that had anything to do with weddings but this is the analogy that came to mind in reaction to something he said that got my brain working. Don't ask me what exactly he said because, basically, I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that wedding vows with God became the theme in my brain. I began thinking about how in the wedding the bride and groom make certain strong vows to each other. Here is a sample: On this day I affirm the relationship we have enjoyed, looking to the future to deepen and strengthen it. I will be yours in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in failure and in triumph. Together we will dream, will stumble but restore each other, we will share all things, serving each other and our fellow humanity. I will cherish and respect you, comfort and encourage you, be open with you, and stay with you as long as we shall Live, freed and bound by our Love. God spoke to me tonight that this is how He wants each individual relationship with Him to look. He so desires that we would love Him in sickness or health, in plenty and want, in failure and triumph, etc. He aches to dream with us, to walk with us when we stumble and then restore us, and to serve humanity with us. He wants us to cherish and respect Him as He does us. He craves the opportunity to be trusted enough to allow Him to comfort and encourage us, but also for us to be open with Him.....for as long as we shall live. Sadly none of these vows are our human tendency when it comes to God. We're usually with Him in health and angry in sickness, praising Him for the plenty and cursing Him for the want, confident about Him in triumph and suspicious of Him in failure...you get the picture. Here's the clincher. The whole reason He wants us to bind ourselves to Him like this is for the last 6 words of the vow in italics "...freed and bound by our Love".

I'm finally coming to a place in this season of my life where the reality of God as my everything is reaching a new level of depth. Unfortunately, the process to getting there included a lot of vow breaking (so to speak) with not accepting the negatives (like failure and emotional wants). Grateful is an understatement for the feeling I have in regard to how He has stuck with me when I stumbled, as well as for how He continued to cherish, comfort and encourage me in my lowest of moments. I'm overwhelmed by the beautiful reality that my faithlessness has not nullified His faithfulness (Romans 3:3). Thank You, Jesus, for the freedom I have because I am bound by Your love.

Crunchy

When someone has asked me how things are going for me these days one of my favorite descriptors of this season is "crunchy". I can't remember where I picked up using this word (and when I look it up in the dictionary there's no definition that fits the way I use it) but whenever I'm going through a season, circumstance or even a moment that's kind of edgy and not so easy to swallow crunchy is how it feels to me. The past 2 weeks the sermons in church have touched on some of the crunchiness that's going on in my soul. 2 weeks ago one of my pastors was talking about why Christians have such a hard time calling God "Father" or "Abba" or even "Daddy". My pastor mentioned the common reason given is many of us struggle to see God in that way because it seems irreverent (that could be a whole other blog, by the way). While I agree that's a reason that is true for some I also feel like there's something deeper that referring to God so intimately strikes in us. My feeling is we're afraid to approach God so intimately because we're afraid of what that intimacy might do to us. If we really come to God and view Him and His love the same way we would view a father's or a daddy's, what might that make us feel compelled to do to in order to please Him? What might it make us let go of to maintain that intimacy? How might it refocus our attention in order to keep this connection with our Daddy? Basically, how might this kind of intimacy wreck our lives? You know what I'm talking about. You've been there too. You've heard the soft whisper, felt the gentle prodding in the midst of the noise and activity of live. You know good and well it comes from a Father who is just trying to draw you near. And what do we do? What's the alternative to this intimacy that turns life on it's head? Living life running after what our hearts desire without a second thought as to wether it's flesh or Spirit, placing things that could be good in that wretched place of idols that firmly block the path to our Satisfier. We're not really so much afraid to offend God with an informal salutation. We're afraid to offend our flesh with the implication that maybe we've given its voice, along with its motivation for living, a little too much value and attention. I'm learning that it really is such a very good thing to be giving up the things I've put a lot of emphasis on in the recent past to make room for deeper intimacy with God. This stripping away is by no means easy or comfortable but my Father is being ever so gentle with my heart in the process. He is indeed a good Daddy.