The Blue Funk

Ever try to find a way to describe what you're feeling when you're depressed? Not always easy to do. I decided to go to a thesaurus and see what the synonyms for depression are. Despite the heaviness of this term some of the words were actually a little amusing. Here are some of them that made me smile...blahs, blowout, ennui (that's for you Cheryl), lugubriosity (who talks like this??), melancholia, vapors and (my favorite) blue funk. As much as I like the creativity of these terms they really don't describe how I personally feel when I'm depressed. Words or phrases that fit me are more in the lines of heavy, weary, mentally and emotionally exhausted, just trying to get through the day, under a cloud, not myself. The last one especially sums up what I'm thinking about how I feel. You may be asking why the gloomy choice of topic. Mostly because it's a very real struggle that God and I are walking through, but also because I know so many around me that are walking through it as well. I recently cried out to God about why this continued to be a struggle for me when I feel like I do all I can to submit my thoughts and emotions to Him. While I don't feel I've gotten a full answer on this I do know that in the depression have been some valuable lessons about my faith. I don't believe God means to allow me to walk through depression forever just so I will be humbled. I do believe that this struggle and how I handle the lows says a lot about my faith in Him. If I let the low moments take me to a place where all of a sudden God isn't so good after all and how dare He let me continue to go through this, then is it really faith in the first place? I would rather use this time to come to a place where I choose to believe that God is God of the highs and the lows; that all the junk I feel in those moments does not all of a sudden negate His goodness and faithfulness to me in the past; that there's continued purpose in the pain; and most of all that there will one day be freedom from it.

Freedom or Oppression...

"Sometimes we stay in the known oppression because we're afraid of the unknown freedom."
This is a statement my pastor made in church this morning that really got my wheels turning. Well, it's pretty close to what he said anyway. As I go through this process of putting my life on hold for the next 5 months I see how I fit in with that statement. For the past couple years I've been very restless in my spirit. Though I love my job I've sensed that a bit of change from it might be beneficial. A few years ago if you told me I'd be leaving Indy and my church for this length of time I'd say "No thanks, I'm just fine where I'm at." Yet during this period of restlessness I've found that I'm actually just fine with leaving these places I love for a little while. Up until the past couple weeks that is. As exciting as it is to go on this adventure, as amazing as the opportunity to work with an organization with men and women who love the Lord and want to serve those who are broken and hurting, and as much as I'm anticipating the beautiful relationships I'll get to build there's a part of me that wants to stay in the places that not long ago I was ready to leave. Why? Because putting the life you've known for 8 years on hold is challenging. Doing what God calls you to do is not about to go without resistance. It's just not easy. Yet do I really want to stay in the oppression of restlessness and miss out on the freedom of the plan God has for me for this year? In my rational moments that's an easy question to answer. The trick is committing to it in my not so rational moments. God and His plans are worthy of my commitment regardless of how I'm feeling.