Everything

Welcome to another blog entry inspired by music. The song is "Everything" by Tim Hughes. I was listening to this song for the millionth time today (it was literally on repeat for my entire trip from home to work this morning) when something about it hit me at a deeper level. I began thinking about the level of detail involved in declaring God to be in my breathing, sleeping, and thinking (and by thinking I don't mean those moments of deep contemplation but the moments where the thoughts are random). Some Christians might say that focusing on God in every thought, breath, moment of sleep or aspect of work is over-spiritualizing things. And to those people I would say, "You've obviously never struggled with depression before." This is one of those moments where I don't want to live up to my blog's name but will choose to lay aside my pride and do it anyway. Only because the topic is one that still hits my pride where it hurts. Since about 2005 I've been dealing with the fact that depression is a recurrent struggle I have. For me it's not every single moment or day of my life. It comes more in seasons. Sometimes I know the instigator and sometimes I don't. There's a lot in regard to this part o fmyself that I'm still trying to figure out but 2 things I know: 1)I don't like how it makes me feel so unlike my true self and 2)It is absolutely necessary that God is in every single moment of that season of lows. I can't even begin to imagine how I would get thorugh a day during a low without inviting God to be in each moment. Some days I'm not sure if I would be able to function well if I didn't. This leads me to another part of the song that I feel such joy in my spirit each time I hear and sing along with it. The line is "Christ in me the hope of glory." As a human and apart from Christ I'm totally defeated when it comes to this issue. But when I invite Christ in there's not only hope, but hope of glory. That goes far and away beyond simply getting through the day and speaks to the possibility of actually being able to add something positive to my part of the world. I by no means have it all figured out when it comes to working through the blue funk (see one of my really early blogs to clear up confusion on that term) but praise God there's hope.

Help my unbelief!

If you would've asked me earlier this year if I believed in God's love for me I would've said without hesitation, "Absolutely!" After all, hadn't He just taken me through an amazing time of service in South Africa, walked with me faithfully through some tough healing, provided me with tons of great travelling experiences, etc? "Of course I know He loves me" I would tell you. Not to mention I've been through some tough, heart-breaking experiences in the past 10 years including my mom's death, hard core battling against anorexia and head on combat with depression. I've seen God work and move faithfully in so many ways. "Yep, no question. I know God loves me." A few months ago I was arguing with God (that's right, the same God that I claim to know loves me) and out of my heart comes anger. I began accusing God of mishandling my heart. As I spewed forth those accusations God spoke ever so gently and told me to think about what I was saying. He reminded me that the enemy is an accuser and I was going right along with him in making Him out to be a conniving Deity that is out to do what He will with me without a single thought for who I am and what I want. In that moment I had a realization--I don't really belive God's love for me. All these years I've told myself I get it and I really do believe He loves me but there has been evidence of many times when I felt the sting of disappointment in unmet expectations, and my first reaction has always been to be angry with God. Why? Because I really didn't trust His love for me. This time as God reminded me that the accuser was getting the better of what I knew to be true I felt my heart soften. For the first time I began having a new outlook on Him and even a new trust in the indescribable depth of love He has for me. A few weeks ago He impressed on my heart Romans 12:2: "Do not be conformed any longer to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is; His good, pleasing and perfect will." Since He first impressed that verse on me He has since revealed that the way He is calling me to have a transformed and renewed mind is to change my outlook on how much He really loves me and longs to satisfy my heart, along with all it's desires. And not the kind of satisfaction that comes by simply giving me all my desires, but the kind that comes simply from Him giving Himself to me. This is not an easy mind-shift to make. I've been seeing just how much I've been conforming to the pattern of this world in believing that I know God loves me when my expectations are met and when I want them met. It's actually kind of scary how much I've conformed to that pattern. I invite you to do some heavy inspection of your own heart.
When you say you know God loves you, is it really just lip service? Are there times in your life when God didn't show up the way you expected and the ache of disappointment outweighed your previous confessions of knowledge of His love? Would you really be satisfied if it was just you and Him, or do you know their would be pieces of your heart, of yourself that would be distracted by the other things you want out of life? Harsh questions? If you really do ask them, yes they're harsh. I'm feeling the sting of them as God presses in to help me fully believe what it means to be loved by Him. On the other hand, I'm feeling something else as well. It's summed up in a verse that I'll close this entry off with. Praying that His love becomes more real to you than it ever has!

He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Trusting the Rule Maker

I was reading this morning in Mark 9:19-29 about the healing of the young boy with a demon. In the passage it talks about how the disciples tried to give it a go driving the demon out but were unsuccessful. Jesus shows up and gets the job done. The disciples expressed to Jesus confusion at why they were unable to do this and His reply is "This kind can come out only by prayer." (v.29) As I read this verse I began to wonder if in hearing this the disciples didn't think "Stop changing the rules Jesus!". I'm not going to lie, if I were them that's what I'd be thinking. After all, at this point He had given them "authority to drive out evil spirits" (Matthew 10:1) and they had already been actively doing just that. Now here they are in a situation where they find themselves unsuccessful and Jesus tells them that it's because they were doing it wrong. Seems a little frustrating. I kind of feel like that's what happens in my life sometimes. I feel like I'm on track. I'm seeking the Lord, He's working, I'm being obedient to whatever He's calling me to on this part of my journey, and then it happens. Something unexpected pops up, a disappointment hits a deep place in my heart, I feel the sting of unmet desires and expectations. That's when I want to say "Stop changing the rules Jesus!" Recently I've been playing a song over and over that addresses this issue. The name of it is...wait for it...."God Moves in Mysterious Ways." The part that's been speaking the most to my own somewhat confused spirit follows:

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense

But trust Him for His grace

Behind a frowning providence

He hides a smiling face

His purposes will ripen fast

Unfolding every hour

The bud may have a bitter taste

But sweet will be the flower

Blind unbelief is sure to err

And scan His work in vain

God is His own interpreter

And He will make it plain

In His own time

In His own way...

Honesty compels me to confess that my least favorite part of those lyrics is the fact that God is His own interpreter and He'll make it plain when He's good and ready. However, my own life experience (short though it may be) also compels me to admit that it's true that I'm judging the journey He lays out for me with some quite feeble sense; and that many times I've seen evidence of His smiling face and the sweetness of the flower (even in the midst of the bitterness). So as much as I want to question God's rules of the game for my life at this particular moment I'm going to choose to sit still and let God unfold what He will when He's ready. I look forward to maybe telling you about it on here someday.