If you would've asked me earlier this year if I believed in God's love for me I would've said without hesitation, "Absolutely!" After all, hadn't He just taken me through an amazing time of service in South Africa, walked with me faithfully through some tough healing, provided me with tons of great travelling experiences, etc? "Of course I know He loves me" I would tell you. Not to mention I've been through some tough, heart-breaking experiences in the past 10 years including my mom's death, hard core battling against anorexia and head on combat with depression. I've seen God work and move faithfully in so many ways. "Yep, no question. I know God loves me." A few months ago I was arguing with God (that's right, the same God that I claim to know loves me) and out of my heart comes anger. I began accusing God of mishandling my heart. As I spewed forth those accusations God spoke ever so gently and told me to think about what I was saying. He reminded me that the enemy is an accuser and I was going right along with him in making Him out to be a conniving Deity that is out to do what He will with me without a single thought for who I am and what I want. In that moment I had a realization--I don't really belive God's love for me. All these years I've told myself I get it and I really do believe He loves me but there has been evidence of many times when I felt the sting of disappointment in unmet expectations, and my first reaction has always been to be angry with God. Why? Because I really didn't trust His love for me. This time as God reminded me that the accuser was getting the better of what I knew to be true I felt my heart soften. For the first time I began having a new outlook on Him and even a new trust in the indescribable depth of love He has for me. A few weeks ago He impressed on my heart Romans 12:2: "Do not be conformed any longer to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is; His good, pleasing and perfect will." Since He first impressed that verse on me He has since revealed that the way He is calling me to have a transformed and renewed mind is to change my outlook on how much He really loves me and longs to satisfy my heart, along with all it's desires. And not the kind of satisfaction that comes by simply giving me all my desires, but the kind that comes simply from Him giving Himself to me. This is not an easy mind-shift to make. I've been seeing just how much I've been conforming to the pattern of this world in believing that I know God loves me when my expectations are met and when I want them met. It's actually kind of scary how much I've conformed to that pattern. I invite you to do some heavy inspection of your own heart.
When you say you know God loves you, is it really just lip service? Are there times in your life when God didn't show up the way you expected and the ache of disappointment outweighed your previous confessions of knowledge of His love? Would you really be satisfied if it was just you and Him, or do you know their would be pieces of your heart, of yourself that would be distracted by the other things you want out of life? Harsh questions? If you really do ask them, yes they're harsh. I'm feeling the sting of them as God presses in to help me fully believe what it means to be loved by Him. On the other hand, I'm feeling something else as well. It's summed up in a verse that I'll close this entry off with. Praying that His love becomes more real to you than it ever has!
He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
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